The animated GIF to the left was taken from a recent interview featuring the stars of 2011′s worst film, Abduction. In it, Taylor Lautner is discussing Audrey Hepburn (every young straight male’s obsession!) while swinging his hand around like Richard Simmons at drag queen night down at the local gloryhole.
I really don’t care about Lautner’s sexuality. He can be the gayest gay that ever shit out a rainbow. JUST DON’T LIE ABOUT IT. This is 2011, and the kids of his generation don’t care about the whole gay/straight issue in the same way as older generations do.
Would he lose jobs over coming out? Probably. But Lautner is a terrible actor anyway, so maybe, in the end, we’d all win if he’d just admit the truth.
When it was announced that Metallica was producing an album with Lou Reed, most music fans checked their calendars to make sure it wasn’t the first of April. Yeah, right we all said in mocking disbelief.
Then the album actually came out. And it sounded like a high school Metallica cover band doing a tribute to Velvet Underground. In other words, it sounded like shit. It might be the single worst recording by a (once) popular band ever. Any Metallica fans still remaining after the Napster fiasco or the Some Kind Of Monster touchy-feely bullshit was forced to admit – Metallica sucks, dude.
Undaunted by the worst reviews in the history of popular music, Metallica has released the worst music video ever, too. “Directed” by Darren Aronofsky, the video looks like it was recorded on a 1988 Handicam and edited together with garden shears. Oh, and the songs sucks, too.
I think the following video pretty much sums up everyone’s feelings about this:
I feel your pain, Adolf. I really, really do. Dave Mustaine must be pissing in his pants with uncontrollable laughter.
Is your long-distance lover not obsessive enough for you? Do you want to feel safe in the knowledge that your lover is staring at a glowing, shapeless mass, cuddling up next to its thumping, electronic heartbeat, and only thinking of you?
Well, now we have Pillow Talk to feed those needy urges!
This gadget, filed in my mental drawer labeled “Why didn’t you think of something this dumb, dipshit?”, seeks to give long-distance lovers something on which to suckle like frightened newborns as they huddle against the cold air of lonliness that single people endure every night. I’m terrified of being alone, and need a robotic heartbeat and faintly-glowing alien pod to survive without the love of my life partner. Here, try this: GROW THE FUCK UP.
If I had a significant other (HA! Fat chance!) who lived far away and suggested that we use these pillows, I would purposely fuck someone else while they were propped up on this pillow, and then break up with their insecure ass afterwards. It would be hilarious to think that my idiotic lover was curled up to this dumb thing, cooing in comfort, and thinking I’m doing the same while I’m really jizzing onto someone else’s ass cheek.
Madonna hasn’t been musically-relevant since she released the album Music back in 2000 (yeah, it’s been that long, you old fuck). Around that time, she seemed like someone taking major chances and maturing in some ways.
But something happened after that – she lost her incredible knack for predicting trends and tastes. She also went through a most embarrassing mid-life crisis, which caused her to dress up in leotards and dance around with twenty year olds while flailing her zombie arms and bathed in enough light to blotch out the deepest wrinkles and crevasses lining her face.
But even moronic bullshit like 4 Minutes sounds like a lost Sgt. Pepper track compared to her newest single, Give Me All Your Love. What the hell is this supposed to be? It sounds like something that would emerge if Toni Basil queefed out Britney Spears after she swallowed a vocording of Alvin singing the lamest cheerleader party pop ever written. Even Lourdes is turning her hairy nose up at this shit.
This bitch is in her mid-fifties. If she doesn’t have anything to say by this point, then it’s time to shut the fuck up.
There has been a hole the size of a mustachioed overbite in music since Freddie Mercury coughed up one last phlegm ball of AIDS and died in 1992. He was remarkably talented, with a one-of-a-kind voice.
Or maybe not. It seems that Queen held a contest looking for a singer for their fortieth reunion moneygrab tour, and somebody named Marc Martel auditioned. Not only does he look a lot like Mercury, but he sounds exactly like him. He couldn’t be a better Freddie Mercury if he was wearing too-tight jeans while standing in a bubble bath and sucking off 20 dudes. And then dying of AIDS.
The animated GIF to the left was taken from a recent interview featuring the stars of 2011′s worst film, Abduction. In it, Taylor Lautner is discussing Audrey Hepburn (every young straight male’s obsession!) while swinging his hand around like Richard Simmons at drag queen night down at the local gloryhole.
