Twilight Fans Are Insane And Tasteless

Being an average male with decent taste in both literature and film, I think TWILIGHT is one of the worst concoctions to come along since The Partridge Family. The comparison is appropriate, since both are skillfully crafted marketing tools designed to make the poonies of tween girls red, plump, and moist.

And these screaming bunch of hormonal sociopaths fell for it.

Author Stephanie Meyer struck gold with her clumsily-written and ridiculous “saga” about vampiric heartthrobs and a drippy heroine named Bella. The novels read like a lobotomized Stephen King book. They are the Gap version of vampires. I mean, the vampires SPARKLE in the sunlight … and they play baseball in the rain.

 In other words, pretty damn dumb.

But while the books tapped into the primal dreams of young girls pining away for a mysterious rebel, the movies are tapping into that Tiger Beat fascination with pretty young men posing. The first film, TWILIGHT, brought Robert Pattison to our attention for the first time. Girls love the guy, despite the fact that he looks like he just endured ten rounds of chemotherapy while living under a mossy rock. He always has a stupid, drugged-out look on his pallid, hung-dog face. I seriously cannot see the appeal in this slouchy, heavily-lidded mongoloid.

But the upcoming sequel looks like it’s going to up the sex factor quite a bit. Taylor Lautner, who plays Meyer’s lame version of a werewolf in the series, packed on an impressive 30 pounds of muscle for NEW MOON. Which means, of course, that Lautner is now required to take his shirt off every three minutes, giving the girls just enough time to flick their beans over and over again.

The marketing plan is obviously working. The preview scenes shown at this weekend’s Comic Con elicited the kind of screams usually reserved for merciless torture … an apt description of this if I’ve ever heard it.

Check out the craziness below. What in the hell is wrong with these girls???