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Dear Owen Wilson
Dear Owen Wilson,
I was pretty upset when I read Perez Hilton tonight and there, in among the countless stories about Andy sucking Dick and Britney Spears “news,” was a sad article about how you tried to commit suicide tonight.
You may have felt like you had some damn great reasons to try and take your own life. For instance, I can imagine that you’re still pretty pissed that your agent talked you into doing this:
And I bet you have a hard time sleeping at night knowing that you can’t still put your weiner into this:
And, of course, having the worst nose since Karl Malden probably doesn’t help, either.
But just look at it this way, buddy. You may not be the best looking Wilson brother, but you’re more talented. You make more than that little bastard Luke, and nothing draws pussy faster than a fat wallet. Of course, no amount of money can buy away the shame of starring in shitty movies like Starsky and Hutch - just ask Eddie Murphy - but you knew that eventually you would do a sell-out movie. Now it’s out of the way, and you’re officially on the comeback trail.
You’re rich and famous, and loved by millions of fans for some classic comedic moments, so cherish the opportunities set in front of you. You have the power to entertain great multitudes, and you can also use that power to help others in useful ways. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, grow up and utilize the chances you have in life that so many others do not.
But if you really feel like you want to die, don’t pull some pussy, Hollywood starlet act and scratch your wrists while gulping some of your sleeping pills. YOU’RE ONE OF THE BOYS! Nobody has respect for a big fat Elvis downing a bunch of drugs and dropping dead on the toilet, but everyone knows that Cobain swallowing a rifle is a cool way to check out.
Like Frank Drebin once said: “A parachute not opening… that’s a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine… having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that’s the way I wanna go.”
Either way, suck it up and be a man, Owen.
Love,
The Rec
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7 Responses to “Dear Owen Wilson”
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Owen’s one of my favorite comedic actors. He does have some great talent, and I was pretty sad to hear he tried to go out like this.
I’m with Lt. Frank Drebin, gears of a combine for me, or dying while doing Kate in that picture. HOLY CRAP thats a hot one.
Although the morning is relatively young, I feel confident that this is the classiest thing I will read all day.
*sniff*
Bless you, Rec Show.
@ Burbanked: Geez, Alan … where in the world are you spending YOUR days????
Kate Hudson must have a golden meat pocket. Owen Wilson is a famous actor and could have any woman he wants.
He instead missed that sweet taste of Hawn and decided to ended it all, well not really. He decide to act like he was going to end it so she would come running back.
Run Kate Run, as far as you can from this nutbag.
@ Eric - From what I can tell, Owen was actually in quite a bit of danger from his injuries, so he was not totally “faking it.”
I hope he never sees this, Asshole.
@ Ace - Eat shit. Since I wrote this, it’s come out that Wilson has been doing hard drugs. Now it’s even more difficult to sympathize with his situation.