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Jonas And The Whale Of Boy Music
The American Music Awards delivered yet another awards show highlighting the reasons why American music sucks. Anyone searching for the reason why people steal music off the internet - thereby destroying the record companies - need only to watch the AMA’s for one gruelling minute to discover the answer.
Fergie performed Fergalicious. Avril Lavigne performed Hot. Maroon 5played another boring midtempo snoozefest. Rihanna performed Umbrella with a string section.
Ugh.
But the worst musical offense committed by the AMA’s came when they opened their stage to feature the latest manufactured boy band taint-slime.
The Jonas Brothers - Disney’s double-y chromosome answer to the inexplicable nonsense known as Hannah Montana - took the stage and ditty-bopped their way through their latest shiny-happy hit, SOS.
The fervent prayers of millions of true music fans were nearly answered on live television when “lead singer” Joe Jonas tripped opening the song. Unfortunately the obnoxious little bastard didn’t slash his wrists wide open during the fall.
Now, I know the guys are cute and whatnot. I understand that they have a wholesome, well-manicured demeanor. And yes, these 14 year old girls could be doing drugs or prostituting themselves rather than listening to the Jonas Brothers’ music. I have heard all of these arguments from my sister concerning her kids already.
But it just bugs me that the AMA’s gave way to such nonsense. How much did Disney pay to try and legitimize this band on that stage? Is this really representative of American music?? Could they find nothing else to highlight??
The Jonas Brothers are, of course, simply another link in the chain of manufactured pop that has wrapped itself around the neck of music and choked the life out of it. The trend began when someone sitting in a Hollywood studio thought, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great if we could make a television band that sang catchy songs like the Beatles?” A few years later, The Monkees were selling as well as the Beatles.
The Monkees led to the insane marketing push for a singing hairstyle named Leif Garrett.
He definitely looks much worse today.
After Leif’s ridiculous rise to tween superstar in the late seventies, a slight lull in idiotic boy music fell over the musical landscape, during which time the industry hit a huge boom in sales and profits. Then from Mexico came Menudo, a plastic abhorrence with interchangeable faces to keep the girls moist in the panties.
That void was filled in the mid-eighties with the rise of the hideous but massively popular New Kids On The Block, or NKOTB. Armed with chintzy keyboards, a vague sense of both style and rhythm, and electric smiles, NKOTB managed to sell millions of albums without one single discernible hook.
The year following the demise of NKOTB’s incredible ten year run of “ruff” music saw the rise of the next boy band sensation: N’Sync. Despite the fact that N’Sync featured a wider selection of boy candy than NKOTB - they had two gay guys, a fatass, some other guy, and Justin Timberlake - N’Sync managed to become one of the most popular boy bands of all time during their brief, tuneless run.
Rising from the ashes of Timberlake’s leftovers was the next vapid waste of boy power: Take That. This English quintet set out to prove that Britain can destroy music just as easily as any American boy band.
Nowadays we have been subjected to Disney’s prefabricated music machine. In the last few years, they have discovered that manipulating young girls through television and live performances can produce healthy profits.
But, unfortunately, one sick music industry.
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4 Responses to “Jonas And The Whale Of Boy Music”
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.
Why must shit like this continue on. Every time we get one of these thrown together “pretty” boy bands, they are worse. Somebody please make it stop.
As for the AMA’s, they have always been a shitty, corporate award show. They feature whatever the studios want to be the new trend in pop music. The only problem I have with that is that the trends always suck.
WE could start a boy band!! Of course, Ray would have to go and be the “Timberlake” of the group. He’ll be the main performer, leaving us in the background and, ultimately, take on a solo career. Screw you Ray. Freakin jerk.
[...] posted a video on youtube, telling everybody that The Jonas Brothers suck, much like Ray did a few months ago. This is not really something that needs to be pointed out, if your not familiar with them, here [...]
I don’t know how I came across this, but you did give me a very good laugh throughout, as you did a great job pegging the comparisons of Leif Garrett, et al.
But I am a woman, I am 28, and I did love the Monkees…I had gotten more into lite-metal during the age of “NKOTB” and though I dabbled in Eurotrashpop I was an indie fiend in the days of N*Sync.
But older and less cynical and snobbish, I have come to love the Jonas Brothers. They are oddly underappreciated, for an incredibly popular group. It is interesting to watch the throes of backlash against them since they signed with Disney - why do people hold that against them so much, or care?
Besides that they are probably a bit too young yet to be thrust into this prominent position for the right reasons, they ARE a real band that has a lot going for it and a sense of what good music is and their context within it - they’ve been touring for 3 years…..but just happened to have signed away a piece of its soul a year ago (and therefore a bit of their right to credibility?)…
I’ve seen them over the years playing acoustic sets, playing blues amongst their usual stuff…and they are pretty eclectic and energetic in what they do. They also make a real effort to pay homage to what you might call “real musicians” and introduce their audiences to them…they regularly namecheck the Beatles, Rascals, Animals, Elvis Costello, Prince, The Jackson Five, Stevie Wonder, are currently covering A-Ha, all to 10-18 year olds who proceed to go check that stuff out and add it to their iPods, out of devotion. Consider it a service. And it’s well better than emo pretensions.
I expect that once they get off a gravy train I think anyone of us would be happy have the opportunity to ride, and have the freedom to do what they want and do it well, they will get to that, whether or not anyone of you is paying attention…