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We Hate Rosie’s Variety
In the seventies, variety shows spiced up the television landscape. They were simple entertainment for a gentler, more innocent time in America. They looked a little bit like this back then:
That was, of course, the classic CAROL BURNETT SHOW, filled with massive talent and good writing. There were other variety shows that weren’t live but just as memorable, including THE SONNY AND CHER SHOW and THE MUPPET SHOW.
So, if you were to resurrect this television form for today’s audience, who would you use for a host? Someone likeable probably. Someone with a generous helping of talent also. Your list of possible hosts might include people like Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, or Reba McIntyre. At the very bottom of your list, just below bloody bacterial sputum, would be Rosie O’Donnell. Yet that is just what NBC did on Wednesday night with the disastrous premiere of ROSIE LIVE.
Rosie is one of the most horrifyingly unpleasant and divisive forces in entertainment history. Her dykish screech causes spontaneous abortions, and her punched-in face makes God cut Himself in shame. I have had things surgically removed from my body that would make a better host for a variety show, but, for whatever reason, NBC gave her a live show and she did this with it:
Absolutely awful in every way. Barbara Walters must be laughing hysterically.
Tween Girls Suck
Have you ever wondered why your wife or girlfriend has such bizarrely psychotic behavior? It’s because she once spent her life as a tweenaged girl.
Tween girls (aged 11-14) are a capitalist’s wet dream. For decades, tween girls have controlled (and mostly destroyed) the popular landscape. They screamed until their ocular blood vessels burst at the very sight of the Beatles in the sixties. They tinkled down their leg whenever someone mentioned Leif Garrett in the seventies. They pulled their hair out by the roots whenever Tiger Beat featured Corey Haim in the eighties. In the nineties, they experienced hands-free orgasms whenever Mario Lopez strutted around on Saved By The Bell.
These days, this vast hormonal army of screeching tweens has fixed its adoring gaze on a new crop of freshly scrubbed man-meat. The Jonas Brothers, for instance, set decibel records at every one of their appearances. But one of the more curious examples cropped up on last season’s AMERICAN IDOL competition in the form of little David Archuleta. As cute as a labrador puppy, Archuleta immediately set the tweeners into uncontrolled fits of orgasmic glee rarely seen on the show - well, except for Sangaya.
I just saw this hilarious and scary video recorded during the show finale, which saw Archuleta lose to the fierce rock stylings of David Cook. Check out their terrifying reaction to the news:
Not surprisingly, Archuleta’s newly-released album CRUSH debuted at number two on the Billboard charts last week with over 174,000 copies sold … wanna guess who bought them?
STAR WARS vs. STAR TREK
We all know who deserves to win in the end, don’t we??
A terrific mash-up of the two franchises. Apparently, in the end, no Federation negotiation is complete without a little Force-choke action.
Happy Bloody Thanksgiving
Be thankful you’re not retarded. Or are you?
Fuck Off, Rolling Stone!!!!!
As Chris eluded to to in his last post, the Rolling Stone list of 100 Greatest Singers of All Time is an absolute atrocity. The biggest problem I have with this is that Rolling Stone’s word is so highly revered. Of Course, it’s only highly revered by those who have little to no music knowledge and those who have their asshole reamed by Rolling Stone on a constant basis. All list are just opinion, but when your opinion is printed in the “Holy Book” of music it should come with some responsibility.
You should actually try to but a list of the “best”, not a who’s who of artsy performers that you consider influential. One of the most common phrases used to describe these greatest singers is “influential”. Ozzy Osbourne was influential, shouldn’t he be on the list then. They even tell you that one artist, Solomon Burke never had a crossover hit. While I don’t think a big hit makes you a great singer, I do think that a great singer should have a big hit. I mean, if your that damn good wouldn’t your songs be. Now on to the list and my thoughts.
Hey Rolling Stone, Stick It Up Your Ass!
Just a few comments on the newest abortion of a “best of” list by the good people at Rolling Stone. First of all, I truly do understand, as most of us do, what they are trying to accomplish by making these stupid lists; Sell more magazines. It’s capitalism at its finest. Fine, they have every right to do so. My problem comes in when they consider their own mutilated opinions as gospel. Just because this publication says it doesn’t make it so. Rolling Stone sitting high on its throne in the palace that Dylan built, does not neccesarily know what is best for its music loving subjects. True music fans shouldn’t need a magazine to tell them what’s good. Good music is felt through the ears and the heart, not the wallet.
With that out of my system on to the list. Read more
The Power Of Music
One of my great passions in life is music. I don’t have the patience to play any instruments, but I love all aspects of great music. I love and respect everything from the process of writing a timeless classic to the sheer fun and passion that come from a live performance. I’m not alone in my love for music, it’s has an affect on almost all of are lives. Everybody has a song that has a special meaning to them. We always seem to remember the song that was playing during the most important parts of our lives. Music is simply the most powerful art form in the world.
Everyday I watch the news and see countries destroying each other and people spewing hatred at everything different from them and I wonder what could bring people together. The answer is music. It doesn’t matter what part of the world you go to, if there are people, you will hear music. Music finds away to bring people together with the simplest beat of a drum or hum of a song. For every happy event and every defining moment in life, you will almost always find music. Music is timeless and music connects us all.
Why STAR TREK Fails
Science fiction geeks are whacking their tricorders tonight with the debut of the high def trailer for J.J. Abrams’ STAR TREK reboot. You can see that at Apple, or you can watch a lower resolution version right here:
As far as the trailer goes, it’s well cut and engaging. The special effects look flashy. The performances and dialogue, at this point, make me cringe a little bit. Overall, it looks like a very expensive car commercial that resembles that misguided LOST IN SPACE reboot from a few years back. Paramount has obviously put a lot of faith in Abrams to resurrect this aging franchise and inject it with something resembling life.
However, the problem with STAR TREK isn’t age, or even a lack of audience interest in science fiction. The problem rests with the premise itself.
Useless Tube
Searching for something watchable on YouTube is like trying to find a gold dust flake in a rhino’s rectum; you know something good is in there, but you need to slosh through seven foul layers of hell to find it.
A recent search for a simple STAR TREK clip led me through seven cleverly-disguised clips of TREK mash-ups, which combine an actual clip with the audio replaced by a Korn or Tool song. And played loudly, at that.
Beyond mash-ups, YouTube is awash in hundreds of billions of videos featuring very lonely, talentless womb-scum ranting into their shaky, grainy webcam. These seem to be uploaded on a whim rather than reason. Still others have a point, but it is quickly lost amid the freakishness on display; recent YouTube “stars” Tay Zonday and Chris Crocker are recent examples of this dubious trend.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one to notice the continued stupidity thriving on YouTube. The good folks at THE ONION have released one of their better stories on the subject:
Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dicker
Apparently Funny Or Die, not content with being one of the premiere viral comedy video sites on the web, is branching out into longer projects.
Which is more than we can say for the subject of their first feature, THE SMALLEST COCK IN PORN: THE DON DOLMES STORY. It tells the story of … well, the title pretty much gives it away. This mockumentary debuts in a few weeks, but they have just released a trailer to get our pussies wet in anticipation:
Rose is Rose is a Man!
I have thought about doing a small series of stories about the quickly diminishing form of entertainment that I think a lot of people take for granted: The Comics. In doing so, I thought I might bash the one I hate the most - which is also the one I MUST read everyday as a form controlled rage release. That comic is the way too cute Rose is Rose, a true turd from illustrator/author Pat Brady. See above … and take insulin before reading it.
It is the beautiful story of the the Gumbo family, Rose, Jimbo, little Pasquale, and the cuddly Peekaboo. The strip revolves around dream ships, lisps, “let it be” trees, and lots of hugs and kisses. It really is the perfect reading at 6:00 a.m. with your morning Red Bull and seventh Marlboro Red. It really makes Jeffy from Family Circus look like Charles Manson.
I always let the saccharin sweetness of Rose and her clan roll off my back because I just assumed this Pat Brady must be some sort of earthly angel incapable of anything else. Like a grandmother that must spoil her grandchildren. In truth, I assumed Pat Brady was a woman.
He is not. Pat Brady is a man.
Now that I know this, I want to take my funny pages, strike a match, and burn off his nut hair. Because that’s what he deserves. No man - not even the gayest gay man on Planet Unicorn - should write garbage like that. Shit like this is totally uncalled for!
Faith in Fringe
Fringereturned this week after its long hiatus due to the MLB playoffs and some black dude getting elected president. Unfortunately we will be losing it again. According to DocArzt over at fringefanatic.com, Fox will air the year’s last episode of the new hit show on December 2. It will return January 20th with American Idol as a lead-in. Doesn’t get much better than that! It seems the network is doing everything possible to ensure that this show succeeds. We shall see.
American Idol Never Stops Promoting
American Idol starts in just over two months. That means it’s time to start the massive promotion push. Idol doesn’t care what type of publicity it gets as long as they have you talking. Already they released the news that a fourth judge would be added. We had the big Simon Cowell breakup stories. This past week the big David VS David arguments began and now this.
A former Idol contestant has been found dead in front of Paula Abdul’s house. Paula Goodspeed (who audition for the 2006 season) was found dead in her car in front of her “Idol” Abdul’s home. Abdul is not a suspect, but authorities are curious of the where abouts of MC Skat Cat and would like to question him. The shows producers loves this kind of attention and unfortunately they have two more months to create news and stories to suck us in again.
After this audition, it’s a wonder she lived this long.
Spoiler Alert!!!!!
Don’t you just hate it when websites give away the big twist ending to the end of a movie you are dying to see. How about when you go out of your way to not find out who the killer in the big upcoming blockbuster is, only to have some stupid website ruin it for you. You’ll hate this then. Thanks to The Fine Brothers you can have 100 movie spoilers in under 5 minutes. The good thing is you have probably seen a few of these already.
What The Deficit Means To You
Lovely news today … the budget deficit this coming year will reach 1 trillion dollars.
In short, we’re fucked.
The only hope for mankind is a Roland Emmerich-style disaster that will put us out of our misery quickly and painlessly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it’s coming anytime soon:
Stealing Movies
I stole a movie a few nights ago, and I’m not sorry.
I begged and pleaded with Magnolia Studios to release the Swedish horror film LET THE RIGHT ONE IN here in my hometown, as they had no plans to do so. The already-planned Hollywood remake is being prepped to replace the original, threatening my opportunity to see what everyone agrees is a brilliant original film.
So, my hand forced, I went out onto the internet and stole it. And like I said, I’m not sorry.
How To Handle A Heckler
Performing in front of people and be a scary thing. There are plenty of talented musician who are afraid of a live crowd. The same goes for comedy. I know a lot of funny people who would never perform in front of a crowd of strangers. This is mostly due to fear of rejection. It can be difficult to stand in front of hundreds of people who don’t know you and are just waiting for you to fuck up. Sometimes the crowd will just ignore you, other times they will heckle you.
Nothing could possibly be worse that some stupid asshole with no talent what-so-ever screaming at you that you suck. Good performers can ignore these assholes and go on with the show, not letting the heckler ruin somebody else’s fun. The best performers fire back. Sometimes they get carried away and end up looking like the asshole them self. Remember Michael Richards? The best thing is everybody seems to handle hecklers different. Some prefer the embarrass technique, like Comedian Brendon Burns.
While others prefer violence.
So the next time you think you have the right to heckle somebody just because you paid to see them, remember this. A guitar upside the head, hurts.
Star Wars OG Style
In honor or Ray’s Star Wars Acapella story, I bring you Star Wars Gangsta Rap. Despite the fact that rap sucks, this actually took some creativity and talent to make. Now we just need Yoda singing country.
Review: Let The Right One In
Since the invention of film, there have been movies about vampires. Few movies, however, have ever gotten their story right.
Vampires, even in traditional literature, are creatures of feral power and insatiable hunger; they are more like mosquitos in human form than artistrocratic gentlemen. Hence their appeal to audiences: they are “other”, possessors of a power and freedom that we humans lack. Unfortunately, most film adaptations of the vampire myth tend to either romanticize or modernize their plight, effectively eliminating the fear of their true nature at the very heart of the story. In my mind, NOSFERATU (1922) comes closest to presenting a vampire as a powerful, malignant creature who has an unstoppable will to survive.
That is, until now. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is one of the greatest vampire films of all time.
Read more
Star Wars Acapella
Somebody has taken that perennial fanboy favorite - humming the theme to STAR WARS and other John Williams classics - to the next logical level. With an liberal dose of effects processing, this 21 year old guy named Corey has produced a song about STAR WARS, which in turn utilizes some of Williams’ most familiar tunes.
