I never liked Bob Dylan. His singing voice is comparable to the shriek of a heavily medicated cat getting assfucked by an inflamed porcupine. He looks like he’s never seen the inside of a bathtub. His song lyrics – incorrectly referred to as “poetry” by the music elite – appear to be written by randomly selecting Scrabble tiles from a box.

But one thing you’d never imagine is Dylan selling out to corporate America.  But that is exactly what the one-time anti-establishment hero is doing with his latest album.

Dylan’s upcoming Christmas album, nauseatingly entitled Christmas In The Heart, is due out October 13th. But Dylan has partnered with Citibank in a deal that will allow their 13 million customers to download the album a full week early. Their eligibility apparently hinges on how often they use their Citibank cards and earn points.

Why anyone would want to listen to Dylan sing Christmas songs is beyond me. My only guess would be that the thousands of people contemplating suicide during the holidays might use this album to urge them on. With that voice, Dylan would be better suited to sing Halloween songs.

But Dylan’s newly-revealed skill at giving corporate blow jobs is another, more disgusting matter. I cannot believe how much money can change anyone, including someone who prides themselves as a maverick and a conscientious performer. The Dylan of 1965 would literally spit in the face of his older self.

What’s next? Dylan stealing money from homeless people and orphaned children? What a sack of shit.