Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

Fuck You Lowes and G.E. Money!

A few days ago I was shocked to receive a letter from G.E. Money, the lending institution that finances several companies, including Lowe’s home improvement stores. I received a Lowe’s card with a $300 limit in the summer of 2006, despite a spotty credit history. It wasn’t much, but I wanted something to use in case the house needed repairs. The letter said that they were cancelling my account.

Huh? I had never missed a payment during the entire time I had the card, and paid it off several times. I hadn’t even had a balance on it since last September. My general credit report has vastly improved since 2006, and my credit score is now 700. Yet somehow this has happened.

I have no problem shopping elsewhere for home supplies. Home Depot is convenient and friendly, and the internet allows me to buy things at a discount. But it was nice to have that extra credit and store; the open credit account only helps boost my credit even more.

I just spent several minutes chewing out the very nice lady that answered my call at Lowes. I just find it hard to believe that any company in these economic times would choose to alienate customers who have conscientiously paid their bills and wisely used the credit extended to them. It’s safe to say that I will never spend another penny at a Lowes ever again, and I will never use credit from G.E. Money, either. It’s time that average consumers, the ones responsible for bailing out these irresponsible banks, started letting their money do the talking.

FUCK YOU LOWES AND G.E. MONEY!

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

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Who Wants This Band At The Super Bowl??

Imagine you’re the producer of the Super Bowl. You have the largest television audience at your disposal. You need a musical act of some kind to put center stage to entertain 2 billion people, including many youths. Who would you choose?

Certainly not The Who, a band that has been pointless since the mid-sixties. Their sole contribution to music is guitarist Pete Townsend’s swinging arm move. In fact, Townsend’s child pornography citation is the only thing the band has produced in thirty fucking years.

But there they will be, on the biggest stage in the world, playing a couple of songs that nobody under the age of 45 will remember. I’m sure they’re hoping for a boost in sales of their fifteenth greatest hits package – in stores now!!

The programming director for the Super Bowl, Charles Coplin, crowed about his choice of musical act in this article. Based on the acts employed recently for the halftime show, he went on to call the Super Bowl the “Ed Sullivan show of its time.” No, Charlie, it’s not. Sullivan actually went out on a limb night after night looking for new acts that appealed to the kids. He didn’t waste valuable broadcast time carting out obsolete old men and their two hits.

Here’s a radical idea: invite Jay-Z to perform at the Super Bowl. Hell, I’d take Lady Gaga over this shit. Fuck The Who.

The Grammys Say Goodbye To Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dominated the Grammy awards so thoroughly over the years that it’s difficult to imagine them without his huge shadow hovering overhead. There have been many tributes to the late singer since his untimely death from a drug overdose last summer, but this year’s Grammy tribute is among the best.

Using the 3D spectacle Jackson was preparing for his aborted tour, the Grammy’s paid tribute to the late singer by having Celine Dion, Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sing along with Jackson on the track Earth Song. The song is one of the best recorded by Jackson in the last half of his career, and features some of the most focused and intense vocals he ever performed.

All of the additional singers featured did well, although I’d question the inclusion of some of them. I mean, Jennifer Hudson? Carrie Underwood? In what parallel dimension did these singers have any kind of relationship with Jackson? Dion did have a friendship with Jackson, as did Robinson. Usher was always compared to a young Jackson, so it is somewhat fitting. I just thought the singers chosen felt a bit random. I might have liked to have seen people like Lionel Ritchie in a performance like this, where sentimentality means everything.

Afterwards, Prince and Paris Jackson stepped out onstage to a loud standing ovation. The world loves these kids as their own, and it’s nice to see them accepting this position as de facto royalty. Prince seemed fairly composed under the circumstances, while Paris still seems a little unsure of herself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both kids in this situation.

Here is the entire video:
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The Next President?

It’s fairly clear that Barack Obama will not be re-elected in 2012. The white people that begrudgingly voted for him in 2008 have been bitterly disappointed by his limp dealings with serious issues, and his indiscriminate use of America’s money.

Meanwhile, the Republican party is not resting on its laurels. Following Obama’s whiny State of the Union address last night, the Republicans responded with their new star, the governor of Virginia Bob McDonnell. His speech was articulate, thoughtful, and quietly damning of Obama’s lack of action. They even sneakily placed minorities in the background (notice the Chinese guy, the black woman, the army officer, and the white woman behind McDonnell), making the party look more diverse than it really is.

This guy feels like he is going to make a serious run at the Presidency. Mark my words, folks.

Even More Aching Beauty

When I wrote up this top ten list of the most beautiful people in motion picture history, I didn’t expect such a varied reaction. I guess it really boils down to the fact that everyone has their own standards of beauty, and it’s fun to argue about those differences.

For me, ten spots isn’t enough, though. So I wanted to write about ten more people that are just too damned good looking for words. So here are their pictures, in no particular order:

Angelina Jolie

Denzel Washington

Zhang Ziyi

Ryan Phillippe

Andie MacDowell

Tom Cruise

Anne Archer

Robert Redford

Michelle Yeoh

Heath Ledger

Howard Stern Is A Gutless Piece Of Fuck

Howard Stern has made a comfortable living – totalling, by all accounts, into the hundreds of millions of dollars – making fun of people on the air. No shred of gossip has ever fallen from the trash can that Stern hasn’t picked up and immediately blabbed about on his radio show. He has discussed the intimate details of everyone, and poked fun at some of the most personal indiscretions revealed in public.

Of course, it’s a little different when it’s one of your own friends having problems.

Stern stammered and pussied out when talking about Saturday’s suicide attempt by Artie Lange, Stern’s longtime co-host/professional drug addict/friend. Not only did Stern shy away from discussing it, but he also criticized everyone else who is discussing this “personal family matter.” Listen to this bullshit:

Fuck you, Stern. Grow a pair of balls and treat your fat fucking douchebag buddy the same as you treat everyone else – like shit.

Beached On Jersey Shore

As the inexplicably hot hit series The Hills cools down, MTV has found itself in the difficult position of replacing it with something new that will build buzz for the increasingly-irrelevant station.

So they came up with the idea of gathering together a collection of the dumbest human beings still able to walk and breathe at the same time … and then base a “reality show” around them. The catch this time: they’re all Italian. Wow.

The show, called Jersey Shore, premiered last week to some of the most scathing reviews ever. Yet every nasty word said about this atrocity is perfectly deserved.

The show follows six vapid, self-absorbed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fake tan, pluck their copious eyebrows, and flex in front of the mirror. I suppose the appeal of the show is supposed to be our admiration for their looks and bodies, which are nice, of course. But then they open their mouths, and you quickly realize that these are probably the most worthless creatures ever produced by the haphazard natural selection of human sexuality. I’ve left ejaculate in tube socks that had more emotional depth and concern for others. If I happened to be related to any of them, I would kill them with a blunt instrument in front of MTV’s cameras as a gift to popular culture and the preservation of the human race.

Here is a clip that assembles the MTV promos for each non-entity:

Flight of the Conchords Crashes

One of the most brilliant shows to ever grace television, The Flight of the Conchords, has been cancelled after only two tiny little seasons. We first covered it way back in August of 2007, just after it premiered, which you can revisit here.

The show was probably too eclectic for most people, actually. In a faintly meta concept, the show revolved around two New Zealand singers named Bret Mackenzie and Jermaine Clement who perform under the name Flgiht of the Conchords – which is exactly the truth. Every week followed the boys as they struggled with girl problems and career problems, which then segued into amazing song/fantasy numbers.

Just watch this in amazement:

These guys are comedic geniuses who will be sorely missed. I’m not holding my breath for the rumored Conchords movie, either.

Music MVP 2009: Lady Gaga

For the last several years, the music industry has been on a sharp decline in every aspect. Sales are way down thanks to internet piracy. The music produced by established artists has been rote, by-the-numbers albums (we’re looking at you, Madonna). And new artists haven’t had a chance.

But 2009 seemed to shuffle the deck, indicating that we might be on the cusp of another music revival similar to what happened in 1991 with Nirvana. And while there have been some major players in this music revival – the amazing years enjoyed by Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and Kings of Leon must be mentioned – nobody was bigger or more influential than Lady Gaga.

As the year opened, Lady Gaga was riding the surprise success of “Just Dance” and the rise of “Pokerface,” both from her monstrous album The Fame. “Pokerface” continued to dominate throughout the early part of the year as Gaga fever ignited, propelling her next singles, “Paparazzi” and “Bad Romance”, into the stratosphere. By the year’s end, there was no doubt about who owned this year in music.

What impresses me even more than the songs, which are well written despite their dance-club aspirations, is the fact that Gaga has such a tremendous voice, insists on singing live, and can capably play piano as well. Gaga is not some white, weird Janet Jackson knock-off, nor is she Madonna-Lite. She is a fully-rounded performer who has pure talent and a raging, inquisitive intelligence. She is not to be underestimated.

 

This decade has been absolutely trashed by horrible rock music, gimmicky rap, and fifteen minute stars. It’s been a long time waiting for a performer that can actually demonstrate talent and vision; this year we were blessed with a few that showed promise … but Gaga, in the end, wins the battle for supremacy.

Obama No Moore

Barack Obama is becoming a black Jimmy Carter if Jimmy Carter had been running the White House with Lyndon Johnson. Like those two previous Presidents, Obama reveals some principles, but they’re completely circumcised by a pathetic lack of ballsack.

In the last few months, Obama has backed down from several major elements of the platform that elected him. He has completely left gay rights twisting in the wind. He bailed on the public health option, something he promised would be a cornerstone of his Presidency. And those troops haven’t exactly returned in vast numbers from the Middle East.

Now it looks like they might never come home. In a televised address that will become a landmark moment of his Presidency, Obama announced that he is ordering 30,000 troops to deploy in Afghanistan. This is comparable to L.B.J. escalating the Vietnam conflict in order to crush it … a plan that worked about as well as Britney cutting her own hair. We have no idea what the troops will be trying to accomplish over there. But it will likely involve dying. The only difference between this situation and Vietnam is that we don’t have a band as cool as Creedence to write protest songs about it.

If you really want some sensible thinking on this matter, listen to the brilliance of Michael Moore. While I’m not a huge fan of the guy, what he says here is 200% correct:

Whitney Houston Destroys Perfection

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that Whitney Houston’s miraculous voice is one of the greatest human instruments ever captured on record. Sure, Aretha Franklin had one of the most forceful voices ever, Patsy Cline had one of the tenderest, and Janis Joplin one of the most soulful, but Whitney’s soaring voice had all of these qualities and more combined into one incredibly pure sound. Plus, she’s much easier on the eyes than any of those ugly-ass bitches.

And crack has destroyed it all.

Whitney made a guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few nights ago, and she rolled I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) out onto the stage and butchered it for a live audience like a sacrificial lamb. Check it out:

Of course, the crack that Bobby Brown fed her for breakfast for ten years has destroyed her lungs to such a horrifying degree that she is no longer capable of even singing an entire line without panting like a thirteen year old boy in the girl’s locker room. Unfortunately, Whitney has nobody to blame but herself. She was given one of life’s supremely beautiful gifts, and she castrated it and made it a sad effigy.

It stands as a lesson to us all: don’t waste what talents you have.

Oprah Quits

So Oprah Winfrey has decided to quit her television show in September of 2011, which will be a rounded 25 years on the air. It’s been a wildly successful run, and Winfrey will probably be hailed aas a milestone in the industry. When she started, she was a dumpy black woman in a white-dominated world, but she succeeded due to talent and brains.

Personally, I’m glad she’s calling it quits. She’s become far too sappy in recent years, and her new-age nonsense was beginning to grate on my nerves. Her book-of-the-month club selections have also suffered from this annoying new-age vibe, with only her choice of The Road standing as the only good selection in years. But mainly I just think it’s time for Winfrey to move her fat ass over and let something new take her place. The talk show industry has been constrained by the rules Winfrey imposed with her success, and I’d like to see that shaken up a bit.

So now Oprah can go home and get fatter and count her billions of dollars while pretending not to be Gayle’s pussy-licking girlfriend.

Real Men Do Not Wear Crocs

Pictured at left is a pair of Crocs. If you’ve been to a Wal Mart in the last five years, you’ve probably seen them on the stinky, swollen feet of some pathetic lardass. Or possibly the screaming offspring of that lardass. Or both.

Frankly, I have no idea why anyone would want to wear gelatinous rubber slippers anywhere except the pool. Nor can I understand why anyone with any sort of personal respect and decency would wear them at all. These shoes are meant for overweight, Frito-munching, American Idol-watching, Natural Light sucking, trailer-park hoosiers. These shoes belong only on the gnarly hooves of the unwashed scum at the very bottom of the food chain.

But under no circumstances should these shoes ever, ever, EVER appear on an adult male. Ever. I don’t care if the dickhead scrubs the greasetrap at Jack In The Box for minimum wage and lives in his mother’s broomcloset. No man should ever be seen in a pair of these horrendous, feminizing shoes. Rather than spend a dime on these shoes, just go out in public wearing a shirt that reads, “I give up on this life. It’s too difficult for me.” Better yet, just put a fucking shotgun in your toothless mouth and blow your brains out the back of your head. You should have developed enough of a nutsack to know better than that.

So don’t wear fucking Crocs around me, or I’ll bash your worthless fucking face in like a baby seal. I mean it. Grow up and act like a man.

Steven Tyler Quits Aerosmith. Nobody Cares.

The screeching she-male once known as Steven Tyler has apparently quit his longtime band Aerosmith. Guitarist Joe Perry has told everyone that Tyler has quit after months of ignoring the phone calls from the various members of the band. In an apparent nod to finality, Joe Perry moved all of his equipment out of the band’s studio today.

I’m not really sure if any of this matters. The band hasn’t been relevent for 15 years or more. Tyler and Perry look a decade older than they really are, and they sound like shit. And with the band broken apart, we are assured of never having to hear them ever play Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing again.

But it is kinda sad to see the members of this band treating each other so disrespectfully, especially at this age. These guys have been through absolutely everything together, and their bond should be closer than brothers. What a shame that Tyler could not treat these guys with any more dignity and decency. Without the other members of the band to help him, Tyler might have ended up as a third-rate drag queen in some strip joint in lower New Jersey, rather than an extremely rich rock star.

My guess: Tyler’s back on the junk. Welcome home, Mr. Brownstone!!

Note to Steven Tyler: GROW UP!

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY And True Horror Films

As you may know from yesterday’s review, I absolutely loved the indie shocker PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. As both a horror film and a way to make huge sums of cash, the film cannot be beaten.

The film’s achievement is even more astounding considering the current state of horror films today. Most film producers and directors mistake GORE for HORROR (I’m looking at you, Eli), and horror-hungry audiences snatch it up like a starving Ethiopian on a rotten chicken wing. When the greatest horror film in recent memory is a HOUSE OF WAX remake featuring Paris Hilton, you know the genre is in a sad state.

Thankfully PARANORMAL ACTIVITY revives the great truisms of the horror genre and underlines them for even the dimmest of studio executives. It’s a good idea for all producers and directors to closely examine what makes a film like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY click. HINT: It’s not the shaky cam.

1. Implied Horror: There is very little blood or overt violence in PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. This is in keeping with the great horror films of the past. Think about PSYCHO, HALLOWEEN, or THE SHINING, and remember how very little actual violence we saw in those films. Even films like ALIEN or TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – films with some amount of actual violence – contain surprisingly little blood. This allows the horror to marinate in your mind, an infinitely scarier place than anything conjured onscreen.

2. Horror Films Do Not Need Stars: Lately every horror film seems equipped with a “name” of some kind, as if audiences flock to them to see their favorite star get hacked up. But most of the great horror films contain few stars, or stars who have yet to discover their defining role. And this rule is almost certainly true of “game-changing” horror films – think NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD or THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

3. Horror Films Need A Simple Hook Or Premise: Lately, we have been deluged with post-RING movies that are more convoluted and “twisty” than M. Night Shyamalan on LSD. But the greatest horror films feed off our simplest and most basic fears – showering defenseless, sleeping, being trapped in a cave, or swimming in shark-infested waters. The simpler it is, the easier it is to sell the horror and allow the audience to relate.

4. Horror Films Do Not Need Huge Budgets: Again, some of the greatest horror films of all time sprang from budgets under a million dollars – EVIL DEAD, TEXAS CHAINSAW, LIVING DEAD – but for some reason studio bosses keep ladling on expensive and phony CGI effects. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY demonstrates that a little imagination can trump CGI effects every day of the week.

5. Horror Films Should Build Tension: It’s shocking how often this is overlooked in most recent horror films. It’s the classic gambit – you introduce something … an idea, an object … and then you call back to it as it plays in the story. This causes an audience to begin dreading the outcome. Spielberg did this in JAWS, Hitchcock did it in all of his movies, and it is something that is vital to the genre. Of recent directors, only M. Night Shyamalan seems to have any capacity for it. In PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, director Oren Peli does this with the video surveillance footage, as well as the Oija board. It is a crucial element to building suspense and ratcheting up the scares.

Sadly, Hollywood executives will probably only see the $11,000 price tag and the ludicrous profits, rather than learn these valuable lessons re-taught by PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Films like BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL are not flash-in-the-pan video footage successes. They are skillful horror films that call back to the great horror films of the past, and utilize techniques that have been honed over decades.

It’s time for the hacks in Hollywood to go back to horror school, and school is back in session with every showing of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.

The Westies

Since racist white America has robbed Kanye West at every single music award show for the past five years. Kanye has decided to start his own award show, the Westies. West will nominate and vote for the winner of each category himself to make sure the show is fair. He has already begun announcing the categories and nominees.  Here they are.

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Reanimating Michael Jackson

The second wave of vultures have descended on the corpse of Michael Jackson, propping him up for their own personal gain.

Last night’s VMA ceremony opened with a ridiculous performance by Janet Jackson. Promised to make everyone cry, she instead forced everyone to shake their heads at her. Janet, your career is over. Stop milking your dead brother’s memory to boost it.

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Kanye West Is A Dumbass Nigger

There isn’t much commentary to add to Kanye West’s ignorant and undeniably racist action at last night’s MTV Video Music Award ceremony. The video says it all:

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