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Let’s Remake Everything!!!
Hey Hollywood! Here’s a great idea: LET’S REMAKE EVERYTHING! Every single piece of material ever produced on film or on television needs to be remade.
What about classics, you ask? FUCK IT!! We’ll remake CITIZEN KANE with Jonah Hill as Charles Foster Kane and Michael Cera as his “wacky” sidekick Jedediah Leland! We’ll not only improve the cast, but also the dramatic structure; the ending is so boring … instead of simply burning Rosebud in a fire, we’ll have the entire Xanadu complex blown up in a huge explosion. Oh … and we’ll make it in 3-D too, so when Rosebud flies out of the explosion, it’ll fly right past everyone’s face so that they know that it was the sled all along!! The kids will love it!
And let’s not forget television! That medium has produced so many great properties that we can make movies forever!!! Think about it for a second …. nobody’s ever made THE FACTS OF LIFE into a movie! We can get Lindsay Lohan to play Blair, Hillary Duff to play Jo, and Kathy Bates to play Mrs. Garrett! And we’ll add some lezbo sex in the girl’s dormitory to attract the 18-40 male demographic … but nothing featuring Natalie, ’cause she’s fat.
Or instead, maybe we can “reimagine” CHEERS with Jonah Hill as Norm, Nicholas Cage as Sam the bartender, and Amy Adams as Diane. We’ll even get someone not that attractive to play Carla - get Uma Thurman on the phone! The nostalgia-factor alone will guarantee a $30 million dollar opening weekend … toss in a cover of the theme song by Aerosmith, and we could be looking at a $31.5 million opening! Oh yeah, baby!
Thankfully, while I eagerly wait for these pointless television remakes to happen, I can tide myself over with awesome filmic experiences like this at my local mega-plex! AWESOME! Keep it coming, Hollywood!
And after we have exhausted all of the previously-created properties in movies and television, we can move on to other materials and remake them as well!! There must be thousands of Punch and Judy puppet shows that have never been adapted into films! And think of all of the cave-paintings in Europe that have yet to be reimagined!
My God, it’s a veritable cornucopia of material!! We will never, ever, ever need to use our imaginations ever again!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about the rant, kids. It’s just that this next sentence disturbs me.
According to Hollywood Wiretap, “producer” Jerry Bruckheimer has optioned THE LONE RANGER for a new live action feature. The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the wordsmiths responsible for some of the most cliched, squirm-in-your-seat dialogue and situations of the last twenty years.
Think about that for a second. Bruckheimer is taking a property that has absolutely no value to anyone under the age of fifty - in America or otherwise - sprucing it up with lots of heavily-filtered shots and explosions, and then marketing it with the subtlety of Hitler’s march into Russia.
This is going to be yet another $70 million dollar waste of celluloid, replete with nonsensical action sequences courtesy of our thoughtful scribes Elliot and Rossio. Can they not understand that the time of the Lone Ranger has long since passed? Are they unable to see that the Lone Ranger means nothing at all to the rest of the world? Like the current American president, they seek only to steamroll over others with their own agenda in order to make themselves a tidy profit.
Let’s face several facts about this upcoming film right now:
- They will get someone like Zac Efron to play The Lone Ranger.
- They will get someone Chinese to play Tonto so that the faithful sidekick can really sidekick some ass.
- There will be a swordfight on a rolling/moving contraption of some sort.
- Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power.
- There will be some sort of love interest. This will either involve Tonto (hey, that Brokeback shit is in these days!!), or some “spunky” gal that meets the Lone Ranger in a “cute” way.
- Aerosmith will provide a mid-tempo ballad for the closing credits. Ya gotta have soundtrack tie-ins!!
All in all, this is just the most extreme case of desperation. Is there absolutely nothing else in the world to produce???? There are probably several hundred thousand scripts rejected by Hollywood every single year simply because the writer does not have an agent. These are original works that have potential, yet the Hollywood elite prefers to stick to formulaic, in-house bullshit to regurgitate into theaters.
NOTE TO BRUCKHEIMER: I have a couple of scripts. They are original. They might be shit, but I guarantee you that they’re better than this.
Double Standard?
This past Friday night Charles Barkley appeared on CNN and was interviewed by Wolf Blitzer. Barkley spoke his mind and maybe caused an uproar from the Conservative right-wing Christians.
It Ain’t Cool
Everyone knows that Harry Knowles, the so-called “head geek” over at Ain’t It Cool News, is a media conglomerate-sucking whore of epic proportions. Harry would eat out his dead grandmother’s cold, gray asshole if he thought there was a dime just inside her rectum.
But this article decrying the death of HD-DVD is just too much to bear.
The Ultimate Idiot
I love it when people who were never really very famous in the past, try as hard as they can to get people to notice them one last time. Former wrestle Ultimate Warrior is the lastest never-was trying to get just 15 more minutes.
Super Tuesday?
The results from the massive Super Tuesday voting came trickling in overnight and into this morning. It appears that Hillary Clinton and her merry band of major defense contractors beat out Barack Obama on the Democratic side, and John McCain and his merry band of defense contractors beat out everyone else on the Republican side.
Doesn’t that seem odd??
Not to George Carlin, who provides us with this wry and wise screed about the true State of the Union.
Best Supporting Actor and Actress
Like the lead categories the supporting one are dominated by the male performances. Sentimentality and surprise are against the reactions of the female nominees as opposed to the overwhelming amount of quality work on the male side. Take a look. Read more
Best Actor and Actress
Can one help but notice how weak the field is in both actress categories, and how strong the men are? Usually there are strong performances across the board. Here the real quality seems to be on the male side. Take a look at the nominees in the lead acting categories. Read more
Goodbye, Heath
Most words fail to convey the utter helplessness and sadness at the passing of someone special like Heath Ledger. News reports can tell you the forensic details, but nothing can really capture the heart-raping agony of this talented boy’s death.
Here’s a poem that I put together in honor of this wonderful and troubled young man.
The Best Of Black Entertainment
In honor of Martin Luther King day, I thought I would take a look at some of the best moments in the history of black entertainment.
All Scared Out
The recent double-whammy of watching The Orphanage and the release of a trailer for Doomsday has me lamenting the sad state of horror films these days. What exactly are the problems plaguing this least-respected but beloved movie genre?
Enough Is Enough
I have fucking had it with the Britney Spears shit. I can’t understand why her fucked up life is a news story and I really can’t understand how people can still be defending her.
Busting The Closet Door Down
Tomorrow is the day in the U.S. that the unauthorized Tom Cruise biography is being released, and Tom is pissed. In fact he feels like a straight man being pulled out of a closet with leather chaps on and cum dripping from his mouth.
The Writerless Rant
I really love Bill Maher and his Real Time show. It seems to be one of the last havens of smart, witty, nail-on-the-head discussion on television. In fact, I think a show teaming Maher and Jon Stewart would be a liberal powerhouse unlike any other; they should run for President and Vice President.
Maher has a potent mix of brains, truth, and anger which no writer’s strike can stop, as Maher showed on last night’s return to the airwaves minus his staff.
Withdrawal Of Paul
For months now most of us here at The Rec Show have been vigorously banging a drum for the campaign of Ron Paul. His ideas for fixing many of the problems plaguing America - and, by association, the world - seem both practical, respectful, and intelligent.
However, the behavior of his supporters, in addition to a new investigative report, has me rethinking this position.
Orwell Got The Date Wrong
In recent months, Republican candidate Ron Paul has been derided in the mainstream media for his attacks against “neocons” and their agenda to create a North American Union and remove the civil liberties and protections once enjoyed by Americans. His ideas have been consistently portrayed as the rantings of the lunatic fringe.
Does he sound like a doom-and-gloom George Orwell crackpot to you?
It turns out he may have a point after all.
Don’t Do Drugs
The latest Britney Spears freakshow exhibition made me think about all of the celebrities over the years who destroyed themselves in the public eye thanks to their drug and alcohol abuse. Sure, their spiralling demises make for reality programming of the most fascinating kind, but it’s also sad to watch talented people with the world at their disposal completely fall apart.
Ron Paul May Be Crazy, But At least He’s Consistent
The out come of last night’s Iowa caucus was really interesting to me. The Democrat vote was not much of a surprise. I expected Obama to come out ahead, but I didn’t expect Hillary to fall behind Edwards. The Republican vote, however was a little concerning. Mike “Picket-Line Crosser” Huckleberry came out on top, despite being a creepy, lying bastard.
Premenstrual Bitch Fight
What in the world could be better than a bitch fight? Maybe two young bitches on their web cams fighting about music? Even better, how about two thirteen year old angst fill little girl fighting about The Jonas Brothers?
TAMMI Say Relax
Over the last year, movie marketing has taken on all of the subtlety of being fucked in the ass by a jackhammer; sure the insertion feels nice, but afterwards you’re left bleeding, shaken, and unable to look your father in the eye.
Greatest Moments of the Year - Chris’ Picks
Guess I’ll jump in on this. In a pretty ho-hum year their were some pretty good moments. Besides all the Britney-Paris-Lindsay bullshit that has rained down on us like a plauge there have been a few highlights. I, unlike Ray, do get a kick out of some of these lists but only for fun. Don’t take them too seriously, especially mine! Read more
