A Tribute to Corey Haim???

Corey Haim’s body will be laid to rest in a small ceremony in Toronto, Canada tomorrow, officially ending the drug-addled saga of Hollywood’s latest child actor/victim. But it’s not, however, the end.

When I wrote about Haim’s death a few days ago, I mumbled something at the end of the article that is now proving prophetic. I said, “Hopefully (Feldman) doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt like his Michael Jackson bullshit last summer.” Well, unfortunately, Feldman today announced that he will indeed be making this into a publicity stunt. He is planning a star-studded tribute to the late actor next month in Los Angeles.

I don’t know if Jermaine Jackson will show up to sing again – I certainly hope not – but you can be assured that Feldman will sing a song for his missing friend. And when he does, it will surely be one of the worst moments of the year, a trainwreck of monumental proportions. To give you some idea of what is in store at this memorial, here’s a horrific clip from The Two Coreys in which Feldman sings to his wife on Valentine’s Day. It is beyond awful:

I hope nobody talks Feldman out of singing at this thing. It’ll be hilarious.

Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

Unpretty (Wo)Man

It’s undeniable; the world is a sick place. I don’t know if it’s being caused by too much fluoride in the water, chemtrails, tainted vaccinations, or the JFK conspiracy, but people are just becoming almost disturbingly weird.

Take, for example, this guy pictured at the top of this article. He goes by the name (Wo)Man. He’s a morbidly obese dude who likes to ride around on a banana-seated bicycle wearing some form of women’s clothing. It usually ends up exposing his dick at some point, which definitely crashes the careful and beautiful illusion he’s creating.

My questions are simple ones: why on Earth has this guy not been arrested for indecent exposure? Why hasn’t he gotten the shit kicked out of him from some father whose son was emotionally raped at the sight of him? Why isn’t this guy being held in the darkest, dankest corner of a mental institution???

Anyway, here’s a video of this freakazoid riding around town on his bike, the wind gently lifting his skirt to expose his dimpled ass. Classy!

Almost A Dead Man

This past Sunday, at WWE’s Elimination Chamber Pay Per View WWE World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker almost saw his demise. This night he had more to worry about than the five men he would be locked in a cage with.

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Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Fight The Power!

Most people hate WalMart for all the wrong reasons. Some complain about the low wages for their employees, while others complain about the destruction of small business. Of course, people are actually just jealous that WalMart does such a good job at exploiting the benefits of capitalism.

And, in the case of this guy, he’s had more than enough of WalMart’s cheap prices, messy aisles, and smelly customers. So he took a baseball bat from sporting goods and began publicly demonstrating his rage in the electronics section. Check out the carnage:

Awesome!

Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Ice Ice Jedward

Irish twin brothers, John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes have released there debut single. The brothers better known as Jedward first appeared as contestants on the 6th season of the British reality show X-Factor.

The 18 year old brothers debut single “Under Pressure” is a dance/pop/rap remake of both the David Bowie/Queen hit and also includes verses of the Vanilla Ice hit “Ice Ice Baby”. The song is actually very catchy, however the brother come across more as old gay lovers than brothers when watching them perform.

Carrot Top Is A Freak

What horrible childhood trauma occurred in the young life of Carrot Top to make him morph into a ginger-haired version of Michael Jackson?

The guy managed to achieve some level of fame in the late eighties/early nineties with an act full of groan-inducing sight gags. Once he made some cash, he decided to spend it on a series of face lifts and steroid injections that have turned him into the planet’s freakiest-looking dude. At this point, he probably terrifies his own mother.

TMZ caught up with Carrot Top on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Who knows why. But it does give us another opportunity to stare at a train wreck. By the way, there is no carpet – PUKE!

Super Bowl Fags

CBS charges 2.3 million dollars per 30 second spot during the Super Bowl, so you’d think they would be eager to accept any ad from a company willing to fork over that much loot.

They are, as long as that company is straight.

Gay dating site ManCrunch attempted to buy a 30 second spot during the football game, but their application was denied. CBS executives claimed that they already had all of their spots booked, but it later came out that an anti-abortion group managed to get an ad on the channel. It’s a pretty obvious case of discrimination.

Of course, I’m not sure if there is a more male-oriented day during the year, and most of those guys really don’t want to see two dudes making out. It would make things uncomfortable around your buddies with all of those phallic-looking beer bottles everywhere.

Here’s the ad in question:

Aren’t you kinda glad your sons won’t be able to see that next weekend??

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Eye Tattoos For Dumbshits

People in prison are generally not the most intelligent members of society. Their lifestyles should not be emulated by people wishing to remain on the outside.

So I find it a little odd that these idiots were featured on a news program sporting the latest in stupid tattooing: eye tattoos. Apparently, having nothing better to do, they took a hypodermic needle and injected colored dyes into their eyeballs in order to change the color of the white area.

This is not cool, nor is it wise to demonstrate this trend in prison fashion to impressionable young people who will inevitably blind themselves in the process. Check out the stupidity:

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Hunting Bigfoot

Hunters Tim Kedrowski and his sons, Peter and Casey, think they may have captured a picture of Bigfoot.   The Rice, Minnesota men consider themselves skeptics, but have a hard time explaining what their game trail camera caught on Oct,24. 

The men checked with neighbors and any other hunters who might have been walking through the dense woods at 7:20 p.m. on that rainy night.   Tim considered ideas from a bear to a bow hunter in a fuzzy suit.   But the arm and hand couldn’t be a bear’s, or its upright gait.   And there is no evidence in the photo of a bow or flashlight a hunter might be using to track a wounded deer.  So, could these men have actually captured evidence that Bigfoot really exists. 

 

Black Idiot Friday

Local television ads can be so much fun sometimes. Around my area, we have Becky the fat carpet woman flying around on a magic carpet.

However, I’m somewhat relieved that we don’t have this guy shilling for flea markets here. This might be the worst jingle of all time, and his performance of it makes me look like Dr. Dre. Check it out:

So that’s what happened to Cameo.

Adam Lambert Sucks It

The music world is buzzing today after last night’s American Music Awards telecast. Of course, they’re not talking about the awards given out, which were ridiculous (Michael Jackson? Please …). Nor were they talking about the great performances, mainly because there weren’t any.

No, they’re all in a tizzy because Adam Lambert, the drag queen runner-up from last year’s American Idol, debuted a horrid new song from his upcoming album. In the process, he simulated getting head from some dude, and then kissing another dude. For artistic shock reasons, no doubt.

Adam’s panties are all bunched up today as he defends his lewd choices in his performance. Frankly, he should be more concerned about the terrible song he was singing, or the fact that he sounded like a heavily-medicated Axl Rose on fire. It was an awful, silly performance of a rancid song, and it should effectively kill his career before it starts.

 

Thank God. Sometimes fate does everyone a solid.

Real Men Do Not Wear Crocs

Pictured at left is a pair of Crocs. If you’ve been to a Wal Mart in the last five years, you’ve probably seen them on the stinky, swollen feet of some pathetic lardass. Or possibly the screaming offspring of that lardass. Or both.

Frankly, I have no idea why anyone would want to wear gelatinous rubber slippers anywhere except the pool. Nor can I understand why anyone with any sort of personal respect and decency would wear them at all. These shoes are meant for overweight, Frito-munching, American Idol-watching, Natural Light sucking, trailer-park hoosiers. These shoes belong only on the gnarly hooves of the unwashed scum at the very bottom of the food chain.

But under no circumstances should these shoes ever, ever, EVER appear on an adult male. Ever. I don’t care if the dickhead scrubs the greasetrap at Jack In The Box for minimum wage and lives in his mother’s broomcloset. No man should ever be seen in a pair of these horrendous, feminizing shoes. Rather than spend a dime on these shoes, just go out in public wearing a shirt that reads, “I give up on this life. It’s too difficult for me.” Better yet, just put a fucking shotgun in your toothless mouth and blow your brains out the back of your head. You should have developed enough of a nutsack to know better than that.

So don’t wear fucking Crocs around me, or I’ll bash your worthless fucking face in like a baby seal. I mean it. Grow up and act like a man.

Sosa Lite

Former baseball cheater Sammy Sosa is in the news again. This times it’s not for steroids, forgeting to speak English or a comeback. Sosa showed up at the Latin Grammy Awards with a new look.

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A Rapping Twit

Everything Miley Cyrus does annoys the hell out of me and this is no different. I know all the 40 year old men will be heart broken not knowing when little Miley is shitting or putting on a Hannah Montana wig, but Miley has decided to close her Twitter account. That shouldn’t be annoying, right? Well in order to explain herself to all of her adoring pre-teen and pedophile fans she decided to rap about it and put it on YouTube.

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