A Tribute to Corey Haim???

Corey Haim’s body will be laid to rest in a small ceremony in Toronto, Canada tomorrow, officially ending the drug-addled saga of Hollywood’s latest child actor/victim. But it’s not, however, the end.

When I wrote about Haim’s death a few days ago, I mumbled something at the end of the article that is now proving prophetic. I said, “Hopefully (Feldman) doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt like his Michael Jackson bullshit last summer.” Well, unfortunately, Feldman today announced that he will indeed be making this into a publicity stunt. He is planning a star-studded tribute to the late actor next month in Los Angeles.

I don’t know if Jermaine Jackson will show up to sing again – I certainly hope not – but you can be assured that Feldman will sing a song for his missing friend. And when he does, it will surely be one of the worst moments of the year, a trainwreck of monumental proportions. To give you some idea of what is in store at this memorial, here’s a horrific clip from The Two Coreys in which Feldman sings to his wife on Valentine’s Day. It is beyond awful:

I hope nobody talks Feldman out of singing at this thing. It’ll be hilarious.

Swift Gays

There’s a pretty cute video being passed around this week based on the year-old Taylor Swift hit You Belong With Me. In the original video, Swift dances around her house in longing over her best male friend, who doesn’t seem to love her back.

In this new version, it’s a male friend longing after his straight buddy next door. What really sells this video is the appealing aw, shucks attitude of the straight guy; the gay guy is a little annoying, however. And never in a million years would I believe that hot girl would leave the muscle jock in order to hit on some lardass standing alone by the fence.

The video, made by college kids for a project, is remarkably well shot and constructed. Check it out:

Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

Unpretty (Wo)Man

It’s undeniable; the world is a sick place. I don’t know if it’s being caused by too much fluoride in the water, chemtrails, tainted vaccinations, or the JFK conspiracy, but people are just becoming almost disturbingly weird.

Take, for example, this guy pictured at the top of this article. He goes by the name (Wo)Man. He’s a morbidly obese dude who likes to ride around on a banana-seated bicycle wearing some form of women’s clothing. It usually ends up exposing his dick at some point, which definitely crashes the careful and beautiful illusion he’s creating.

My questions are simple ones: why on Earth has this guy not been arrested for indecent exposure? Why hasn’t he gotten the shit kicked out of him from some father whose son was emotionally raped at the sight of him? Why isn’t this guy being held in the darkest, dankest corner of a mental institution???

Anyway, here’s a video of this freakazoid riding around town on his bike, the wind gently lifting his skirt to expose his dimpled ass. Classy!

Almost A Dead Man

This past Sunday, at WWE’s Elimination Chamber Pay Per View WWE World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker almost saw his demise. This night he had more to worry about than the five men he would be locked in a cage with.

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Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

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Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Carrot Top Is A Freak

What horrible childhood trauma occurred in the young life of Carrot Top to make him morph into a ginger-haired version of Michael Jackson?

The guy managed to achieve some level of fame in the late eighties/early nineties with an act full of groan-inducing sight gags. Once he made some cash, he decided to spend it on a series of face lifts and steroid injections that have turned him into the planet’s freakiest-looking dude. At this point, he probably terrifies his own mother.

TMZ caught up with Carrot Top on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Who knows why. But it does give us another opportunity to stare at a train wreck. By the way, there is no carpet – PUKE!

Super Bowl Fags

CBS charges 2.3 million dollars per 30 second spot during the Super Bowl, so you’d think they would be eager to accept any ad from a company willing to fork over that much loot.

They are, as long as that company is straight.

Gay dating site ManCrunch attempted to buy a 30 second spot during the football game, but their application was denied. CBS executives claimed that they already had all of their spots booked, but it later came out that an anti-abortion group managed to get an ad on the channel. It’s a pretty obvious case of discrimination.

Of course, I’m not sure if there is a more male-oriented day during the year, and most of those guys really don’t want to see two dudes making out. It would make things uncomfortable around your buddies with all of those phallic-looking beer bottles everywhere.

Here’s the ad in question:

Aren’t you kinda glad your sons won’t be able to see that next weekend??

Orange You Sorry I Showed You This?

Last year some dude named Dane Boedi created a little film called The Annoying Orange. It was made using the old trick of superimposing human mouths and eyes onto fruit – fairly simple, and very annoying.

Now the orange has its own YouTube channel, and in just a few weeks has over 50,000 subscribers, and is rated the number 2 most popular channel on the site this month. Amazing.

Here is the first video that caused the sensation:

Another Perez Hilton Bellyflop

Perez Hilton tends to be somewhat like heroin; it’s bad for you, damaging to your brain, but irresistible. Gotta hand it to the guy … he has managed to make tons of money despite having very little talent.

In the last year, Hilton has tried various ways to expand his online gossip empire. He introduced a clothing line at Hot Topic, which ended up being a monumental disaster. Then he created a concert tour, which played to half-empty small venues that would make Anvil weep. Hilton then released a widely-ignored book, which everyone quickly discerned was simply a rehashing of stories from his website.

But Hilton’s latest venture feels like his most embarrassing enterprise yet. Hilton has teamed with rotoscoper Milkfat to create a webseries called Assisted Living. The show feels desperate, flailing limply to generate controversy. Mostly, it induces yawns.

Here’s the latest episode:

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Eye Tattoos For Dumbshits

People in prison are generally not the most intelligent members of society. Their lifestyles should not be emulated by people wishing to remain on the outside.

So I find it a little odd that these idiots were featured on a news program sporting the latest in stupid tattooing: eye tattoos. Apparently, having nothing better to do, they took a hypodermic needle and injected colored dyes into their eyeballs in order to change the color of the white area.

This is not cool, nor is it wise to demonstrate this trend in prison fashion to impressionable young people who will inevitably blind themselves in the process. Check out the stupidity:

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Tim Allen Sucks, Even When He’s Trying To Be Cool

Ya know, this video would be funnier if it didn’t look EXACTLY like every Tim Allen movie ever made. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an actual trailer.

Maybe he’s going meta on us. But I doubt it.

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
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Hold On A Second

You know your basketball team sucks when players from the other team stop and tie their shoes in the middle of the game. That’s exactly what Toronto Raptor player Jarrett Jack did in a game against the pitiful Chicago Bulls. After receiving an inbound pass, he bent over and tied his shoe and the Bulls just ran around watching him. Not one Bulls player tried to take the ball. Needless to say the Raptors beat the Bulls by 32 points that night.

Obama No Moore

Barack Obama is becoming a black Jimmy Carter if Jimmy Carter had been running the White House with Lyndon Johnson. Like those two previous Presidents, Obama reveals some principles, but they’re completely circumcised by a pathetic lack of ballsack.

In the last few months, Obama has backed down from several major elements of the platform that elected him. He has completely left gay rights twisting in the wind. He bailed on the public health option, something he promised would be a cornerstone of his Presidency. And those troops haven’t exactly returned in vast numbers from the Middle East.

Now it looks like they might never come home. In a televised address that will become a landmark moment of his Presidency, Obama announced that he is ordering 30,000 troops to deploy in Afghanistan. This is comparable to L.B.J. escalating the Vietnam conflict in order to crush it … a plan that worked about as well as Britney cutting her own hair. We have no idea what the troops will be trying to accomplish over there. But it will likely involve dying. The only difference between this situation and Vietnam is that we don’t have a band as cool as Creedence to write protest songs about it.

If you really want some sensible thinking on this matter, listen to the brilliance of Michael Moore. While I’m not a huge fan of the guy, what he says here is 200% correct:

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