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Leathery Dumbass
Perma-tanned former celebrity George Hamilton - a less intelligent, low-rent version of Tony Curtis, if that’s possible - recently released his list of favorite romantic films in conjunction with his new book, DON’T MIND IF I DO.
Some familiar and obvious films populate the list, such as GONE WITH THE WIND and CASABLANCA. Buth then Hamilton, who has obviously had his head under UV radiation far too long, picked CITIZEN KANE as well. He wrote this to defend his pick:
CITIZEN KANE could be the greatest movie of all time. Orson Welles plays a man destroyed by his miserable childhood. Eventually he finds the woman he really loves.
What the fuck are you talking about, Georgie??? Have you ever seen the entire movie at all?? I hate to break it to you, but our man Kane ends up alone and decrepit at the end of the film before dropping dead, having lost his family and everything he ever cared about. It isn’t close to being a “romantic film” unless you think that “Rosebud” is the name of Kane’s favorite female body part.
Stick to LOVE BOAT reunion shows, you leathery dumbass.
Stand Bakugan
Remember the good old days, when toys were just fun little diversions to fire the imaginations of children, and not a major marketing plan? Did Play-Doh or Silly Putty require a tie-in television show? Did the Hula Hoop or Slinky need power cards and endless variations?
The newest toy craze is taking over America, yet another variation on the Pokemon battle scenario from those single-minded Japanese. It’s called Bakugan, and it involves small balls that are rolled over metallic cards. The balls have magnets and springs inside of them, and whenever a ball rolls over the cards, it pops open to reveal the creature (or, Bakugan) inside. Of course, there is a poorly animated show to help sell the toys and concept. Here’s a little taste:
As always, there are a million bakugan to choose from, retailing between $10 and $35 per creature. And let’s not forget the Bakugan rocket launcher. Or the Bakugan stadium.
I am so glad I don’t have kids. But I wish I had thought of it.
Flashback
McCain, trapped by his own snarling idiocy, make another goof today in his ridiculous bid for the Presidency. See if you can spot it. Even worse, the nodding Tina Fey puppet behind him doesn’t even register the mistake. Like most thinking humans, she is probably not paying any attention to what he is saying.
McCain Not Able
Uh oh … looks like McCain’s nasty little comment about Obama being “that one” is blowing up in his face. Buttons are being pressed even as I type. To make matters worse, he lost the debate by a landslide.
It’s probably time for McCain to call Obama a nigger in another one of his classy, classy ads.
When Is Enough, Enough ?
In 1994, The Eagles reunited. They did this despite the fact that they still hated each other. The group decided that enough money could make a reunion tour worth having to be around each other. They openly reunited just for the money and made a ton of it on the Hell Freezes Over Tour.
Since The Eagles reunion, many of bands have reunited. Some have actually managed to revive there career (Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, The Police), but most disappeared back to their jobs at Wal-Mart. Some bands have even decided that they should reform with new sings (The Doors, Alice In Chains, Queen, Blind Melon, Boston) and tarnish the bands original legacy. The one thing that keeps this trend going is money.
It’s seems that people always want that one last chance to see their favorite band or even a band that reminds them of their youth. This allows these groups one chance to make themselves important again and it gives the aging baby boomers a chance to feel young again. The sad thing is that the reunion tour is bigger (not better) than ever, just look at last years Police, Van Halen and Genesis tours.
This year is no exception and may have even more shitty reunions than ever. The biggest may be Stone Temple Pilots and Motley Crue. Motley Crue are back, even though Tommy Lee said he would never play with the band again and Mick Mars is still alive so prop him up and let the fun begin. Stone Temple Pilots, on the other hand, will be a crap shoot. It could put on a great show every night, but with Scott Weiland’s history the chance of that is small. The smart thing that both of these bands are doing is making each show like a festival, that way you may get your money’s worth.
The worst reunion news has to be New Kids On The Block. It blows my mind that anybody would care to see this. I watched them perform on the Today show last week and it was terrible. Their horrible dancing made then looked like fools and they sounded off key and flat. Yet, somehow they are selling out shows in minutes (Chicago sold out in 10 minutes) and have added a full summer of shows.
If that wasn’t bad enough. Their is also talk of an Extreme reunion, a Jackson 5 reunion (that rumors comes up every year) a Led Zeppelin tour. Who gives a shit about Extreme? The Jackson 5 have tried it before and nobody cared and please, please, please somebody stop the Led Zeppelin tour. This would do nothing but suck. These are old men, well Jimmy Page looks like an old woman now, and it just won’t be good. Does anybody really think that 60 year old men singing Black Dog and Rock and Roll will do anything but embarrass the band?
Also, reuniting this year are The Black Crowes, The Breeders, Yes and The B-52’s. The Black Crowes are a good band and are always worth checking out, but I’m not sure I see any reason for the other ones, especially B-52’s.
When will this stop? When will people stop paying to seeing band that only sound have as good as they should? When is enough, enough?
The Red Banded Happening
The titanic ego of M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN has cursed his every move in recent years. The blossoming promise shown in his earliest films has disintegrated before the bewildered eyes of moviegoers everywhere. The trust is broken, replaced by a palpable resentment. It’s like admiring a charismatic uncle as a young person, only to go behind the shed one day to see him sodomizing a dead cat; the relationship never quite recovers.
It’s an understatement to say that Shyamalan has a lot riding on his newest pseudo-intellectual horror film THE HAPPENING. After the twin disasters THE VILLIAGE and LADY IN THE WATER, this new film needs to really click, or Shymalan will find himself trying to sell his patented twist-ending stories on streetcorners for nickels.
Unfortunately he decided to title this make-or-break endeavor THE HAPPENING, one of the worst titles I have ever heard or imagined. Depending on my mood, the title sounds either pretentious, boring, or pointless. What the fuck is a “happening” anyway???? This title means so very little that it threatens to evaporate right off of the one-sheet.
Then uber-genius Shyamalan releases a trailer that features the characters using the word “happening” over and over again. “Something is happening,” says a news reporter. “What is happening?” asks star MARK WAHLBERG. “Something has begun to happen,” is the reply he receives. It feels like a lame attempt to embed this blobular, meaningless word into our heads, but the net effect of this repetition is to reinforce how fucking insipid the title sounds. Nice job, dipshit.
Thanks to the absolutely poisonous advance word on the film from previews, we now have a red band trailer for the film. This is Shyamalan attempting to appeal to the hardcore geeks out there by showing gruesome images. This trailer just screams: “See guys? I’m fucking radical and hardcore like Eli Roth! Dude!”
Unfortunately, Shyamalan managed to slip into this trailer one disastrous scene featuring Mark Wahlberg. In it, Wahlberg says, “There are forces at work beyond our understanding.” He intones this terrible line like an unholy cross between Forrest Gump and a two pound package of ground beef. It’s easily the worst line reading since Anakin and Padme stood on that balcony in REVENGE OF THE SITH and talked about being in love. Instantly, all of the tremendous work Walhberg did over the years to make us forget that he used to have “Marky” in front of his name suddenly disappeared. Nice job, Wahlberg; go back to modelling underwear for a living.
Here is the trailer. It’s not for the faint of heart, but not in the way you might expect:
If not for SPEED RACER, this thing would be my obvious pick for worst film of the summer. I still have hope that Shyamalan can beat SPEED to the bottom of the barrel; if there’s one thing we know, it’s that geniuses who think they are geniuses are usually the ones who end up looking the dumbest.
Another Dumb Ass List
of Yahoo recently took the time to put together the 25 Worst Hair Metal bands of all time, for his List Of The Day blog. The great thing about list is the fact that they almost always seem to spark some sort of debate or discussion. This list though, comes across as being written by somebody who doesn’t really know much about the subject and that makes the list come across as stupid.
The biggest problem of the list is putting Poison #1.
That seems to be the safe pick, for everybody. You mean to tell me that Poison were worse than Trixter or Slaughter or Winger? Winger isn’t even on the list, but I’ll get to that later. By putting Poison #1, it proves that he really knows nothing about the type of music. Yet the average music fan listens to this opinion, because he must know what he’s talking about. After all it’s his job to know, right?
The next huge mistake was putting Skid Row #2.
Yes, Sebastian Bach is an arrogant egotistical jack-off, but Skid Row aren’t a hair metal band. I know they get lumped into the category, but they shouldn’t. It’s kind of like in the mid 90’s when every band that came out of Seattle was grunge. Seriously, who in the hell really thought that Candlebox or the Screaming Trees were grunge. So again to say that Skid Row is “hair metal” is wrong and to say that they were worse than Bad English, Bullet Boys or Slaughter is ridiculous.
The other problem I have with the list is the bands that were left off. How does Winger miss making the list.
How about Nelson, Faster Pussycat, or Kix? These bands not only should have made the list, but they should have been way above Poison, Skid Row and Whitesnake. I wish when people make a list they would actually put a little thought into it and not just take the easy route and throw the safe picks at the top.
I’m sure Rob O’Connor is a knowledgeable guy, but this list would suggest otherwise.
Falling Down On Her Face
The new music video and debut single for the song Falling Down by actress Scarlett Johansson has been released.
That’s right she’s now a singer and is releasing an album, Anywhere I lay my head. The video’s stupid, to me it seems as if she’s complaining about being a famous actress. If she doesn’t want to be a big movie star, then stay out of movies.
As far as the song goes, I’m not really getting it. Her voice sounds odd and not in a good way for me. She kind of resembles a week version of Sinead O’Connor. Hearing this, makes me think that like most actresses turned singer, her vocals needed a lot of help. It’s like they thought the best way to help her was by making the music overpower her and and giving her voice an odd sound. This may have worked in the 80’s (remember Martika), but it’s just not very good for this era of music. People are tired of shitty music
I’m not a big fan of Johansson to begin with and find her to be funy looking, so maybe I’m biased. I feel that I gave the song a fair try though and I still think it sucks. This is just another blow to the music industry. There are plenty of good aspiring artists that are never given a break and yet this funny looking Hollywood bitch, gets to put out an album. So now, Scarlett Johansson, Hillary Duff, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Brooke Hogan and countless of other Hollywood “Hotties” have released albums. This is why the people don’t pay for Cd’s anymore.
I just wish at the end of the video Michael Doughlas would have come and beat her with a baseball bat.
Let’s Remake Everything!!!
Hey Hollywood! Here’s a great idea: LET’S REMAKE EVERYTHING! Every single piece of material ever produced on film or on television needs to be remade.
What about classics, you ask? FUCK IT!! We’ll remake CITIZEN KANE with Jonah Hill as Charles Foster Kane and Michael Cera as his “wacky” sidekick Jedediah Leland! We’ll not only improve the cast, but also the dramatic structure; the ending is so boring … instead of simply burning Rosebud in a fire, we’ll have the entire Xanadu complex blown up in a huge explosion. Oh … and we’ll make it in 3-D too, so when Rosebud flies out of the explosion, it’ll fly right past everyone’s face so that they know that it was the sled all along!! The kids will love it!
And let’s not forget television! That medium has produced so many great properties that we can make movies forever!!! Think about it for a second …. nobody’s ever made THE FACTS OF LIFE into a movie! We can get Lindsay Lohan to play Blair, Hillary Duff to play Jo, and Kathy Bates to play Mrs. Garrett! And we’ll add some lezbo sex in the girl’s dormitory to attract the 18-40 male demographic … but nothing featuring Natalie, ’cause she’s fat.
Or instead, maybe we can “reimagine” CHEERS with Jonah Hill as Norm, Nicholas Cage as Sam the bartender, and Amy Adams as Diane. We’ll even get someone not that attractive to play Carla - get Uma Thurman on the phone! The nostalgia-factor alone will guarantee a $30 million dollar opening weekend … toss in a cover of the theme song by Aerosmith, and we could be looking at a $31.5 million opening! Oh yeah, baby!
Thankfully, while I eagerly wait for these pointless television remakes to happen, I can tide myself over with awesome filmic experiences like this at my local mega-plex! AWESOME! Keep it coming, Hollywood!
And after we have exhausted all of the previously-created properties in movies and television, we can move on to other materials and remake them as well!! There must be thousands of Punch and Judy puppet shows that have never been adapted into films! And think of all of the cave-paintings in Europe that have yet to be reimagined!
My God, it’s a veritable cornucopia of material!! We will never, ever, ever need to use our imaginations ever again!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about the rant, kids. It’s just that this next sentence disturbs me.
According to Hollywood Wiretap, “producer” Jerry Bruckheimer has optioned THE LONE RANGER for a new live action feature. The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the wordsmiths responsible for some of the most cliched, squirm-in-your-seat dialogue and situations of the last twenty years.
Think about that for a second. Bruckheimer is taking a property that has absolutely no value to anyone under the age of fifty - in America or otherwise - sprucing it up with lots of heavily-filtered shots and explosions, and then marketing it with the subtlety of Hitler’s march into Russia.
This is going to be yet another $70 million dollar waste of celluloid, replete with nonsensical action sequences courtesy of our thoughtful scribes Elliot and Rossio. Can they not understand that the time of the Lone Ranger has long since passed? Are they unable to see that the Lone Ranger means nothing at all to the rest of the world? Like the current American president, they seek only to steamroll over others with their own agenda in order to make themselves a tidy profit.
Let’s face several facts about this upcoming film right now:
- They will get someone like Zac Efron to play The Lone Ranger.
- They will get someone Chinese to play Tonto so that the faithful sidekick can really sidekick some ass.
- There will be a swordfight on a rolling/moving contraption of some sort.
- Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power.
- There will be some sort of love interest. This will either involve Tonto (hey, that Brokeback shit is in these days!!), or some “spunky” gal that meets the Lone Ranger in a “cute” way.
- Aerosmith will provide a mid-tempo ballad for the closing credits. Ya gotta have soundtrack tie-ins!!
All in all, this is just the most extreme case of desperation. Is there absolutely nothing else in the world to produce???? There are probably several hundred thousand scripts rejected by Hollywood every single year simply because the writer does not have an agent. These are original works that have potential, yet the Hollywood elite prefers to stick to formulaic, in-house bullshit to regurgitate into theaters.
NOTE TO BRUCKHEIMER: I have a couple of scripts. They are original. They might be shit, but I guarantee you that they’re better than this.
Get LOST, BOYS!!
Most creatures in this world serve some sort of purpose. Some are truly inspirational (like dolphins, or Ghandi), some are ingenious (like spiders, or Madonna), and some even unite others due to their own pure wickedness (like Hitler, or Rosie O’Donnell). Hell, even the lowly maggot serves a noble purpose in the glorious chain of life.
And just below that maggot is Corey Feldman.
When your single greatest achievement in life (besides marrying a model) is contributing the character of Mouth in THE GOONIES, then it’s time to reassess the direction of that life.
And reassess it he apparently has. Not content to rest his laurels upon his misguided and very much dead career, the Talented Corey has decided to revisit one of his more-fondly remembered roles and completely destroy it as well. Fortunately for Mr. Feldman, Hollywood producers rank just underneath him on the food chain, and they are eager to make a sleazy buck to help him do it.
Enter LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE. Although missing Rehab Corey, the production managed to soldier on thanks to Talented Corey’s guiding light. To flesh out the whisker-thin storyline, the “producers” wisely incorporated lots of twentysomething mannequins in various states of undress. BRILLIANT!!
One problem, though: the original LOST BOYS was a ridiculously fun guilty-pleasure, filled to the brim with winning performances by a large group of talented young actors. Although rated R, it still felt lightweight and harmlessly fun. This new version looks like something assembled by a craigslist casting call and a scriptwriting monkey, and bolstered by a three minute cameo by Mr. Feldman.
Now, on the eve of the direct to DVD release of the “film,” the producers have released a trailer in order to whet the appetites of dozens of film lovers with titillating shots of vapid models showering together. And here it is:
Watching this stuns me into coma-like incredulity. It makes me renounce a belief in God. It makes me want to go into regression therapy until I forget what my pee-pee does. It makes me want to have a shotgun custom-fitted for my mouth.
NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: You have all of the money and talent to make perfect works of art. STOP MAKING THIS SHIT!!!
Double Standard?
This past Friday night Charles Barkley appeared on CNN and was interviewed by Wolf Blitzer. Barkley spoke his mind and maybe caused an uproar from the Conservative right-wing Christians.
The Word According To Reverend Huckabee
The more and more that the Reverend Mike Huckabee talks, the more we get to see his real side. He made some interesting remarks recently. Do you think his words have a hidden message or are people over reacting?
Renegade Television
One of the most perfect things ever broadcast over the waves of television was the first season of Wonder Showzen by the art/media collective known as PFFR. It didn’t last long thanks to the non-stop references to abortion, Hitler, and puppet sex.
The creators of Wonder Showzen have returned after a hiatus - presumably on the moon - with a (barely) animated show on Adult Swim called Xavier: Renegade Angel.
Enough Is Enough
I have fucking had it with the Britney Spears shit. I can’t understand why her fucked up life is a news story and I really can’t understand how people can still be defending her.
Die, Hannah Montana, Die
Anyone with children aged five to fifteen has probably heard the name Hannah Montana enough to want to do physical harm to said children. The disgusting musical phenomenon/bloodfart known as Hannah Montana has been successfully pilfering the pocketbooks of American parents for many months now, with tickets to her “live” performances ranging somewhere between $300 and infinity.
Although I would have put quotes around the word “live,” it seems more appropriate now than ever; the little teenaged bitch is not only lip-synching, but also using body doubles to “perform” for her.
Here’s the proof!
Juno, Diablo Means “Devil”
Diablo Cody is beginning to realize that fame sucks.
The first time screenwriter hit the jackpot with her debut film Juno. Her sassy, pop-culture laden dialogue has garnered much more attention than writers rarely do (see: Writer’s Strike), and she has become something of a fast punk icon.
Which means that Big Media and Hollywood must package her and feed from the corpses of her past.
Don’t Do Drugs
The latest Britney Spears freakshow exhibition made me think about all of the celebrities over the years who destroyed themselves in the public eye thanks to their drug and alcohol abuse. Sure, their spiralling demises make for reality programming of the most fascinating kind, but it’s also sad to watch talented people with the world at their disposal completely fall apart.
Premenstrual Bitch Fight
What in the world could be better than a bitch fight? Maybe two young bitches on their web cams fighting about music? Even better, how about two thirteen year old angst fill little girl fighting about The Jonas Brothers?
The Power Of Lucas
Eleven Seconds after midnight on January 1, 2008, George Lucas’ power in the universe got a little stronger. The impact of Star Wars has never been as disturbing as this.
The Origins Of Spock
Have you ever wondered where the idea for the Mr. Spock character came from? Was he a freak, or maybe an outcast, or maybe a half-breed, or maybe he was just a brilliant Jew? It turns out that he may have been all of the above, but most importantly an alien Jew.
