Mother Nature needs to show some class.

This is a tree in Thailand. Boy Scouts trips to this area have increased by 1300%.

When I look at my junk, tattooing is probably the last thing I think it needs. Grooming and an occasional bar of soap, yes. Tattoos? Maybe not.

The latest craze to sweep the Sex And The City crowd of overpaid, self-obsessed shrews is something called “vattooing.” As the name coyly suggests, it’s tattooing on a vagina. I really don’t mind if a woman vattoos her hoo-hah, just as long as the tattoo doesn’t read “Ray Stay Away.” Because, you, know, I sure do love the pussy.

How would you like to be the poor girl that is forced to spray paint stupid-looking shit on the slits of these miserable whores? And please wear some reinforced latex gloves! We’re talking about sluts getting tattoos on their axe-slash! They’re not exactly virginal Heidi skipping down the mountain from her secluded forest home! If you’re going to put your hand where countless men have deposited their gene pool, you might as well just go and start licking toilets in the mall.

And to any of you dudes who’ll start telling me how “hot” it is for one chick to do this to another chick, come on over to my place … I wanna show you how hot it can be for one guy to spray paint Pepe Le Pew on another guy’s taint. It’s the same damned thing!

This is what happens when you jab at an angry bull with long spears. Make a note of that the next time you have extensive bullfighting fantasies.

The fighter’s name is Pedro Muriel. Soon to be known as Muriel Pedro.

There was a time when I absolutely loved Dead Or Alive, the synth-pop trio fronted by singer Pete Burns responsible for the dance classics You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) and Brand New Lover. Burns was a weirdo even then, an androgynous guy who still seemed somewhat masculine (as opposed to Boy George, who felt more feminine). Like Boy George, Burns had a fantastic voice. And, like Boy George, Burns has spent the last twenty years wasting his talents.

Since the music industry abandoned Dead Or Alive’s brand of synthy cheese sauce, Burns has spent the last two decades and countless thousands of dollars surgically-altering his face. He now looks like a Kabuki performer who stuck their face in a hornet’s nest. The only substantial music this golden throat has created in that time period are endless remixes (also known as rip-offs) of their biggest hits. Sad, sad, sad.

Now Pete Burns is preparing to release a new single titled Never Marry An Icon, and he released the cover art for the song: (more…)

I remember first seeing Pee Wee Herman on an HBO special called the Pee Wee Herman Show sometime around 1982. The character was obviously bizarre, but endearing as well. The show, a stage play comedian Paul Reubens had developed with some up-and-coming actors like Phil Hartman, was a goof on old Saturday morning children’s programs. It was fun, nostalgic, and slightly naughty. I loved it.

Is Simone a dude in drag? I think so.

The character was fairly unforgettable, and his growing popularity led to a feature film in 1985 which was directed by then-newcomer Tim Burton. The film, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and its sequel, Big Top Pee Wee, were uneven films, but they had some really memorable moments. The first one in particular is highly quotable (“I’m a loner, Dottie … a rebel”), but I always got this creepy, homolicious vibe coming off of it – especially the scene where Pee Wee dresses like a woman and Mickey looks him over, or Simone the waitress, who looks like a dude in drag. Of course, Pee Wee’s not the most masculine guy in the room, but when he’s dancing in front of a group of bikers while pointing at his butt, I start to wonder what the fuck I’m watching.

Then Reubens decided to throw it all away jacking off in a porn theater. Well, he denies jacking off, but what the hell was he doing there, anyway??

So Pee Wee went away for fifteen years, and the world moved on. But Reubens, who found occasional work here and there during that time period, never let the character go. So now, almost twenty years later, Reubens has decided to bring Pee Wee back with a series of appearances, all of which are leading to a possible movie.

Unfortunately, there’s a problem. (more…)