Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Ice Ice Jedward

Irish twin brothers, John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes have released there debut single. The brothers better known as Jedward first appeared as contestants on the 6th season of the British reality show X-Factor.

The 18 year old brothers debut single “Under Pressure” is a dance/pop/rap remake of both the David Bowie/Queen hit and also includes verses of the Vanilla Ice hit “Ice Ice Baby”. The song is actually very catchy, however the brother come across more as old gay lovers than brothers when watching them perform.

Tim Allen Sucks, Even When He’s Trying To Be Cool

Ya know, this video would be funnier if it didn’t look EXACTLY like every Tim Allen movie ever made. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an actual trailer.

Maybe he’s going meta on us. But I doubt it.

Hunting Bigfoot

Hunters Tim Kedrowski and his sons, Peter and Casey, think they may have captured a picture of Bigfoot.   The Rice, Minnesota men consider themselves skeptics, but have a hard time explaining what their game trail camera caught on Oct,24. 

The men checked with neighbors and any other hunters who might have been walking through the dense woods at 7:20 p.m. on that rainy night.   Tim considered ideas from a bear to a bow hunter in a fuzzy suit.   But the arm and hand couldn’t be a bear’s, or its upright gait.   And there is no evidence in the photo of a bow or flashlight a hunter might be using to track a wounded deer.  So, could these men have actually captured evidence that Bigfoot really exists. 

 

Demi Moore PhotoCHOPPED

Everybody knows that everybody in entertainment endures a certain amount of “sweetening.” They have makeup people giving them attractive skin tones, they have lighting people assuring them of flawless, wrinkle-free skin, and they have Photoshop artists who clean up the imperfections during photo shoots.

Usually this process happens invisibly, giving the illusion of perfection and providing unrealistic beauty goals for the rest of the unwashed masses. But every so often, the curtain slips aside and we see the process in all of its ugly, naked glory. Take, for example, this lovely new cover photo of Demi Moore for the magazine W.

She looks great, doesn’t she? Of course, there’s one small problem – her left hip has been partially amputated in a sloppy Photoshop job. Check out the closeup:

I’ll bet there’s a Photoshop artist currently looking for employment.

Reanimating Michael Jackson

The second wave of vultures have descended on the corpse of Michael Jackson, propping him up for their own personal gain.

Last night’s VMA ceremony opened with a ridiculous performance by Janet Jackson. Promised to make everyone cry, she instead forced everyone to shake their heads at her. Janet, your career is over. Stop milking your dead brother’s memory to boost it.

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Hottest Michael Jackson Video Ever?

As we fall away from the shocking and sudden death of Michael Jackson, we start to reminisce about various aspects of his talent and legacy.

One of the curious things about Jackson was his sexuality. At one time, he was considered the sexiest singer on the planet, which is hard to remember after years of freakish plastic surgeries. There certainly weren’t too many women lining up to be humped by the Zombie Michael we all knew and feared from the last decade. But his videos were, for the most part, much more reflective of the man himself – asexual, puerile, childish, and extravagant. Only in a few videos did Michael dabble with sexual themes or adult situations.

So I ask – which Michael Jackson video do you think is the hottest or sexiest video he ever made?

Here are your choices:

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Even Heroes Shit Themselves

I will always despise George Brett for leading the Kansas City Royals to victory over my beloved St. Louis Cardinals in 1985.

And that’s why it’s nice to hear him admit he is a disgusting, incontinent slob.

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Forrest Button

Chris and I had radically different takes on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. He felt that the movie was an expertly-told love story with tremendous special effects; I thought the film was basically Forrest Gump without the humor, warmth, and whimsy.

It looks like the guys over at Funny Or Die agree with me. This video shows the painfully obvious similarities between the two movies. Of course, Eric Roth wrote both screenplays … is it wrong to plagiarize your own work????

The Assassination of JFK

Even though the assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963 occurred prior to my birth, it still retains a certain tragic mystery that draws me to it. Like the Jim Garrison depicted in Oliver Stone’s fever-dream epic JFK, I remain stunned that something so monstrous and evil could have been planned, conducted, and kept secret for so long in the highest levels of government.

The whispers of conspiracy have swirled around the assassination nearly from the beginning, even during the bogus Warren Commission trials right after the event. Only time – and the leaking of several key pieces of media like the Zapruder film – have allowed a much more comprehensive view of the assassination to come to light. In that light, there is no doubt about a conspiracy; the only remaining facts to uncover are the actual names of the planners and shooters.

I ran across a very interesting and disturbing video that I had never seen before, taken at the airport in Dallas the morning Kennedy set off in his motorcade. In it, we see the Secret Service officers actually being told to stand down as they run along side Kennedy’s limo during its fateful ride through Dealy Plaza. Terrifying:

Even more disturbing is the interview with a man named James Files, currently incarcerated in Illinios for an attempt on another official’s life. Files was a 21 year old ex-military officer involved with mobster Charles Nicoletti when he was chosen as one of the assassins for the planned murder of the President. According to Files, he met Lee Harvey Oswald five days prior to the shooting, and they stayed together in a motel room awaiting the arrival of the President. This is a purported picture of Files at the motel, taken (according to Files) by Oswald himself:

According to Files, he was instructed to find a secure location in order to shoot the President in the Plaza; Files chose the grassy knoll. Files was to be the backup shooter. Nicoletti gave Files specific instructions about his role in the shooting. They were:

1. He was not to fire unless absolutely necessary

2. He was not to harm Jacqueline Kennedy

3. They were going for a headshot, and he was to fire only if there had been no headshot

When the other bullets missed Kennedy’s head, Files claims that he aimed at Kennedy’s right eye and fired a shot at around the time another shot hit the President; this is consistent with the Zapruder film evidence, which shows two separate head explosions at nearly-simultaneous intervals. In other words, Files killed Kennedy.

Files, the alias he adopted after the 1963 incident, has remained silent about his contribution to the assassination throughout the years due to fear. He, like Jack Ruby, knew that they people involved would not allow him to live if he started talking. He was even interviewed by Oliver Stone in preparation for JFK, but Files told Stone nothing at the time. It was only after extensive conversations with Bob Vernon that Files began to talk about the event in detail.

Here is a small excerpt from that videotaped interview:

In more recent times, we have seen astounding tragedies that have shaken our understanding of right and wrong. We often take the explanations for such things for granted, believing what the government tells us is the truth. Yet Kennedy’s assassination – and the government’s involvement in it – tell us that there are darker forces at work than we might be willing to admit to ourselves or our children. Knowing the facts of the unraveling Kennedy assassination forces us to look with more critical eyes at other defining moments in our more recent past – the 9/11 attacks, for instance – and ask ourselves … Do we really know what happened? Is our government really innocent of committing these crimes?

The answer might be “no” much more than we’d like to believe.

The Oscars Get Jacked Up

There are few things in life more boring than the yearly Oscar telecast. I have a Chia Pet on my windowsill that provides more entertainment and laughs-per-second than any Oscar marathon ever has … and yes, I’m including David Letterman’s disastrous “Uma … Oprah” bit as well.

The brain trust behind the upcoming telecast have heard our collective yawns, and have decided to make a 180-degree turn with the hiring of Hugh Jackman as this year’s host. Yes, HUGH JACKMAN. The guy with the knives coming out of his fists.

The choice isn’t as misguided as it initially sounds. Jackman-hosted Tony Award gigs have netted the highest ratings in its history; of course, out of a sampling audience of fifteen, even one more viewer exponentially increases the ratings. I mean, seriously – who watches the fucking Tony Awards?!?!? Even the gays avoid that shit like it’s AIDS.

The bigger pull for the Academy in hiring Jackman is his huge worldwide following. The movie industry no longer exists in a fishbowl just off the California coast. There are hotspots around the world for motion picture product from Hollywood and elsewhere; hell, half of a movie’s total gross now comes from the world outside of the United States … GASP!!!! Jackman’s inclusion in this long-winded tradition ensures a massive worldwide audience that Whoopi Goldberg could never hope for in a thousand careers.

Personally, I think the spectacle needs to be trimmed of the fat, and Jackman is a good choice. My initial reaction was revulsion, but, after careful consideration, I think it might be refreshing to be rid of the awkward comedic bullshit and strained attempts to entertain.

When you think about it, the best moments in Oscar’s long history occur randomly and unscripted: Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups … the streaker running behind David Niven … Michael Moore’s inflammatory anti-Bush tirade … Sacheen Littlefeather refusing Marlon Brando’s Oscar. Some hosts have been able to humorously roll with these unexpected punches, the best being Billy Crystal and Steve Martin. But, overall, the host has little to do with the success of the show.

So … what do you guys think about Jackman’s appointment as your next Oscar host???

Can Spielberg Be Topped?

No, I don’t mean sexually.

Chris and I recently discussed Steven Spielberg’s extensive legacy. At one point, Chris said, “Spielberg is to movies what the Beatles are to music. You can follow in his footsteps, but you cannot top him.”

Much depends on how you rate Spielberg among the greatest directors of all time … and how you view the new crop of up-and-coming directors.

Both Chris and I agree that Spielberg is the greatest film director of all time (I can almost hear a bowel-loosening moan from Jeffrey Wells at Hollywood Elsewhere over that one). While there have certainly been better individual directing jobs by other directors, no director has ever put together a body of work as diverse, riveting, adventurous, and passionate as the Bearded One.

Not Ridley Scott. Not Stanley Kubrick. Not Alfred Hitchcock. Not John Ford. Not even Michael Bay.

What are your favorite Spielberg films and moments?

I tend to break down Spielberg’s career into three “periods.” The first runs from 1974-1989, and of course includes some of the greatest hits in motion picture history: JAWS, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, and ET THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL. The second period runs from 1989-1999, and features more thematic diversity in films like JURASSIC PARK, SCHINDLER’S LIST, and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. His third period runs from 1999 to the present, and reveals a growing maturity and cynicism in films like MINORITY REPORT, A.I. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, and MUNICH.

I am personally much more of a fan of Spielberg’s early period with a few exceptions, primarily because I grew up during this time and learned to love films along with the images and thrills concocted by him.

I’m not sure what I consider his best overall film, but I think I consider E.T. The Extraterrestrial his best overall directing performance in his early years. In that, not only did he manage to sell another rubber puppet to massive audiences (JAWS was, of course, the first), but he also managed to coax perfect performances from three relatively inexperienced child actors. Sure, the movie is blatantly manipulative – ALL of Spielberg’s films can be labeled that way – but, unlike other films of this sort, the manipulation is in service of something deeply-felt and honest.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=pOvR2WudpV8[/youtube]

However, it’s hard not to give love to some of these amazing moments:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=9OnaZ8r3p8g[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=tUcOaGawIW0[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=pHiuPwGXYmc[/youtube]

In the second period of his career, I think SCHINDLER’S LIST is his best directing performance overall, although both JURASSIC PARK and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN have amazing sequences in them.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=12yfN4wrzQ8[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=XGO7EHOuTwE[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=_y1YL9C8Hfw[/youtube]

In the third period of his career, my favorite Spielberg film is MINORITY REPORT because it combines his gift for populist adventure with a newfound sense of dread and gloom.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=GCQpMT_iL9U[/youtube]

However, WAR OF THE WORLDS and MUNICH, though flawed, had bravura sequences in them:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=1flMeLiD-X0[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=nvTx6WcdpHE[/youtube]

Even A.I., which might be the worst Spielberg film since HOOK, had some magnificent moments in it until the last fifteen minutes:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=EJMrS-vO1fE[/youtube]

I think the evidence is overwhelming in support of Spielberg’s directorial dominance. So the question becomes: Can Spielberg’s career be topped?

Out of the current crop of wannabe inheritors of his throne, none yet show the power and breadth of Spielberg’s work.  Of them, I think M.Night Shyamalan has the visual instincts to match Spielberg, but his ego and his creative inflexibility have thus far stifled his ability. Directors like Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez have the creative energy, but neither the visual power nor the dramatic seriousness to equal Spielberg; they both seem to be too immersed in gimmicks. Guillermo Del Toro might eventually show himself to be a Spielberg, but most of his career has been based on junk thus far, capped by one true work of art in PAN’S LABYRINTH.

At this point in time, the only true heir to Spielberg are the Coen Brothers. They have amassed an impressive body of work over the years which combines the visual pizzaz of Spielberg’s best work with a deeply moralistic thoughtfulness.

What do you think? Can Spielberg EVER be topped? Do we have anyone who can challenge him? Ever?

Politics, Religion, and Logic Don’t Mix

Would you want your kids anywhere near Mike Huckabee during Christmas? If Ron Paul has his way, then your kids – and the rest of us – will be safe from the continued sermonizing of American politics.

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What Ever Happened To Bailey Quarters?

                   

Anybody who was ever a fan of WKRP In Cincinnati, remembers Bailey Quarters.  She was the smart and shy billing manager that soon gained confidence and became, a disc jockey.  As the show went on she became sexier, but could never quite compete with Jennifer (Loni Anderson).  Bailey was played by Jan Smithers.  Smithers didn’t act much after WKRP, except for some small roles on T.V.  So, after all these years where has she been?

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Huck Upchuck

Republican Presidential nominee Mike Huckabee looks like a child molestor. He covers over his slimy policy ideas with an air of righteous superiority that reminds me of a randomly-selected Baptist minister.

I don’t like the guy. But I do like his new ad, which features Chuck Norris. Yeah, that’s right. Chuck Fucking Norris.

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Did He Really Want To Hurt Him

                   

Boy George is a fucking freak.  I’m not sure that anybody who has ever seen him would argue that.  From his very early years as lead singer of The Culture Club, where he paraded around in a dress, jewelry and more make up than Tammy Faye Baker, it was obvious that something may be wrong with him. 

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Beowulf – Comin’ Right At Ya!

This weekend Robert Zemekis finally unleashes his CGI 3-D version of the classic 1st century poem Beowulf. Many in the industry believe this is the first 3-D movie that will usher in a new era in 3-D experience and begin a theatergoing revolution.

Well, from what I can see in this featurette about the movie, it looks like it’s going to be closer to those old Three Stooges 3-D movies from the 50’s: Hey, look! Moe’s squirting oil directly at the camera!! NEAT!!

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Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?

                 

Remember the great Lionel Richie video for the song Hello?  You know, the one were the Lionel stalks a young blind woman, then she makes an exact sculpture of him even thought she has never seen or touched his face.  Did you ever wonder if you could create such a great sculpture of Lionel Richie if you were blind?  You not the only one.

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Is It Hot In Here?

              

I take a neutral stand when it comes to government and politics. I honestly think that no government will ever, ever, ever, ever work. Afterall, history tends to repeat itself.  That being said, I find myself pushing my jaw back up whenever Ron Paul stops speaking. After the jump, see how Paul is finally getting some REAL air time.

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