Almost A Dead Man

This past Sunday, at WWE’s Elimination Chamber Pay Per View WWE World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker almost saw his demise. This night he had more to worry about than the five men he would be locked in a cage with.

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Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Tim Allen Sucks, Even When He’s Trying To Be Cool

Ya know, this video would be funnier if it didn’t look EXACTLY like every Tim Allen movie ever made. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an actual trailer.

Maybe he’s going meta on us. But I doubt it.

You’re A Smart One, Mr. Zonday

Tay Zonday had his 15 minutes of fame a couple years ago with the youtube phenomenon Chocolate Rain.  He then was smart enough to capitalize on that brief success a year later when Dr. Pepper introduced the new flavor Cherry Chocolate Pepper and he became the soda’s spokesperson.  Now another year later, Tay is making his online presence know again.  He has recorded himself singing the Christmas classic “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

I have to give Tay a lot of credit is keeps finding ways to make himself popular online, without getting attested or being a jackass.  I also think he would be a great voice for Hollywood.  He would be perfect for doing movie trailers and voice overs.

Hold On A Second

You know your basketball team sucks when players from the other team stop and tie their shoes in the middle of the game. That’s exactly what Toronto Raptor player Jarrett Jack did in a game against the pitiful Chicago Bulls. After receiving an inbound pass, he bent over and tied his shoe and the Bulls just ran around watching him. Not one Bulls player tried to take the ball. Needless to say the Raptors beat the Bulls by 32 points that night.

Sosa Lite

Former baseball cheater Sammy Sosa is in the news again. This times it’s not for steroids, forgeting to speak English or a comeback. Sosa showed up at the Latin Grammy Awards with a new look.

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A Rapping Twit

Everything Miley Cyrus does annoys the hell out of me and this is no different. I know all the 40 year old men will be heart broken not knowing when little Miley is shitting or putting on a Hannah Montana wig, but Miley has decided to close her Twitter account. That shouldn’t be annoying, right? Well in order to explain herself to all of her adoring pre-teen and pedophile fans she decided to rap about it and put it on YouTube.

Die Quickly!!!

The debate over healthcare reform is becoming more of a joke everyday. People are threatening each other, Congressmen are disrespecting the President on National TV and old people are being threatened with Medicare cuts. Now the sideshow in Congress just got even funnier. Democratic Rep. Alan Grayson (FL) stood on the floor of Congress and gave his version of the Republican Healthcare plan.

 

 

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So You Think You Can Flash

A contestant on So You Think You Can Dance gave the audience more than than they bargained far.   During the audition, a contestant began rolling around on the ground.  As her dress shimmied up above her waist, so could her that she wasn’t wearing any panties.  The amazing thing is that this actually air it onto the show with nobody seeing it.  Unfortunately this will just make the show more popular and the whore dancer will end up with a porn career.  If you want to see the slow motion video and uncensored picture, read more.  

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The Inspiration Of Beat It

In a newly released interview (which was done in the 80’s) Micheal Jackson revealed that he thought the first mixes of the album Thriller sucked. MJ heard the recordings and said “Oh my, this music is just no good. I’m going to watch some little kids to get inspired again.”

So, MJ rode a bicycle down to a nearby school and sat a watched kids play for a while. After getting very excited by what he saw, he headed back down to the studio to remix the classic album.

So now we know the inspiration of Beat It and P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing). Now everytime I hear those song, I’ll feel dirty.

Serena’s Roid Rage

Tennis star Serena Williams should shay of the steroids for a while. Serena was getting her ass kicked in the semi-final match of the US Open and didn’t handle it very well.  After the first set she received a violation warning for breaking her racket.  As the match progressed and as a defeat seemed more evident, the roid rage set in. 

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The Westies

Since racist white America has robbed Kanye West at every single music award show for the past five years. Kanye has decided to start his own award show, the Westies. West will nominate and vote for the winner of each category himself to make sure the show is fair. He has already begun announcing the categories and nominees.  Here they are.

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Something Evils Lurking On Broadway

We all knew that Hollywood was out of ideas.  It looks like the creative minds on Broadway have been sucked dry too.   It was announced Monday that Micheal Jackson’s music video for Thriller will be the inspiration behind a new Hollywood musical.  The musical will feature music from Jackson’s albums, Off The Wall and Thriller. 

I would much rather see a musical featuring Wacko’s life at that time.  That would be entertainment.   You could have this head catching fire, man on monkey love with Bubbles, and scenes of him sleeping in the a hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

No matter what the theme is, it’s sure to be a sell out every night. If you can’t get tickets, just figure it will look something like this.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0[/youtube]

Here Cums The Baby

I just recently watched an episode of 20/20 that featured a story on Orgasmic births.  The story claims that woman should have an orgasm during the child birth to ease the pain. 

I find this to be incredibly fucking weird.  I try to be open minded and I think that if something is safe and helps a woman from going through a painful childbirth then they should consider it.  But an orgasm?  First not all woman want to have an orgasm in front of strange people (doctors, nurses, midwives or others), despite what you might see in porn.  Secondly, as a father I didn’t get turned on by childbirth, so I find it hard to believe that a woman would be able to find some sort of erotic excitement that would lead an orgasm.  My other question is, isn’t this like incest?  I mean you are having an orgasm an your child shoots out of your vagina. 

These new age people are fucking weird.  Here’s a clip from the show.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcrXtQ0HCa0[/youtube]

The Oscars Get Jacked Up

There are few things in life more boring than the yearly Oscar telecast. I have a Chia Pet on my windowsill that provides more entertainment and laughs-per-second than any Oscar marathon ever has … and yes, I’m including David Letterman’s disastrous “Uma … Oprah” bit as well.

The brain trust behind the upcoming telecast have heard our collective yawns, and have decided to make a 180-degree turn with the hiring of Hugh Jackman as this year’s host. Yes, HUGH JACKMAN. The guy with the knives coming out of his fists.

The choice isn’t as misguided as it initially sounds. Jackman-hosted Tony Award gigs have netted the highest ratings in its history; of course, out of a sampling audience of fifteen, even one more viewer exponentially increases the ratings. I mean, seriously – who watches the fucking Tony Awards?!?!? Even the gays avoid that shit like it’s AIDS.

The bigger pull for the Academy in hiring Jackman is his huge worldwide following. The movie industry no longer exists in a fishbowl just off the California coast. There are hotspots around the world for motion picture product from Hollywood and elsewhere; hell, half of a movie’s total gross now comes from the world outside of the United States … GASP!!!! Jackman’s inclusion in this long-winded tradition ensures a massive worldwide audience that Whoopi Goldberg could never hope for in a thousand careers.

Personally, I think the spectacle needs to be trimmed of the fat, and Jackman is a good choice. My initial reaction was revulsion, but, after careful consideration, I think it might be refreshing to be rid of the awkward comedic bullshit and strained attempts to entertain.

When you think about it, the best moments in Oscar’s long history occur randomly and unscripted: Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups … the streaker running behind David Niven … Michael Moore’s inflammatory anti-Bush tirade … Sacheen Littlefeather refusing Marlon Brando’s Oscar. Some hosts have been able to humorously roll with these unexpected punches, the best being Billy Crystal and Steve Martin. But, overall, the host has little to do with the success of the show.

So … what do you guys think about Jackman’s appointment as your next Oscar host???

Joaquin Phoenix Retires

Our favorite harelipped performer, Joaquin Phoenix, has apparently decided to retire. At a benefit for the Association of Hole In The Wall camps (a Paul Newman-inspired charity for sick children … terrible name for that organization, by the way), Phoenix mumbled to a flabbergasted E! reporter that he was retiring from movies. When the reporter (justifiably) laughs incredulously at the announcement, Phoenix gets pissed off and walks away.

Some people can be so fucking self-righteous. Who has the tighter asshole … Joaquin Phoenix or Cameron from FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF????? Man, I bet it’s hard being Joaquin’s friend in real life. Look at him wrong over drinks at a bar, and there’s going to be a crying session in the parking lot or a fist fight.

Note to Joaquin: Lighten up, dude. You’re a little too old and a little too overrated to have that “tortured artist/genius” primadonna attitude.

Leathery Dumbass

Perma-tanned former celebrity George Hamilton – a less intelligent, low-rent version of Tony Curtis, if that’s possible – recently released his list of favorite romantic films in conjunction with his new book, DON’T MIND IF I DO.

Some familiar and obvious films populate the list, such as GONE WITH THE WIND and CASABLANCA. Buth then Hamilton, who has obviously had his head under UV radiation far too long, picked CITIZEN KANE as well. He wrote this to defend his pick:

CITIZEN KANE could be the greatest movie of all time. Orson Welles plays a man destroyed by his miserable childhood. Eventually he finds the woman he really loves.

What the fuck are you talking about, Georgie??? Have you ever seen the entire movie at all?? I hate to break it to you, but our man Kane ends up alone and decrepit at the end of the film before dropping dead, having lost his family and everything he ever cared about. It isn’t close to being a “romantic film” unless you think that “Rosebud” is the name of Kane’s favorite female body part.

Stick to LOVE BOAT reunion shows, you leathery dumbass.

Another Dumb Ass List

                   

Rob O’Connor of Yahoo recently took the time to put together the 25 Worst Hair Metal bands of all time, for his List Of The Day blog.   The great thing about list is the fact that they almost always seem to spark some sort of debate or discussion.  This list though, comes across as being written by somebody who doesn’t really know much about the subject and that makes the list come across as stupid.

The biggest problem of the list is putting Poison #1. 

 [youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=GnozlGyg4sI[/youtube]

That seems to be the safe pick, for everybody.  You mean to tell me that Poison were worse than Trixter or Slaughter or Winger?  Winger isn’t even on the list, but I’ll get to that later.  By putting Poison #1, it proves that he really knows nothing about the type of music.  Yet the average music fan listens to this opinion, because he must know what he’s talking about.  After all it’s his job to know, right? 

The next huge mistake was putting Skid Row #2. 

 [youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=5YSKIbWDqS8[/youtube]

Yes, Sebastian Bach is an arrogant egotistical jack-off, but Skid Row aren’t a hair metal band.  I know they get lumped into the category, but they shouldn’t.  It’s kind of like in the mid 90’s when every band that came out of Seattle was grunge.  Seriously, who in the hell really thought that Candlebox or the Screaming Trees were grunge.  So again to say that Skid Row is “hair metal” is wrong and to say that they were worse than Bad English, Bullet Boys or Slaughter is ridiculous.

The other problem I have with the list is the bands that were left off.  How does Winger miss making the list. 

 [youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=XZHVkJ1wVFM[/youtube]

How about Nelson, Faster Pussycat, or Kix?  These bands not only should have made the list, but they should have been way above Poison, Skid Row and Whitesnake.  I wish when people make a list they would actually put a little thought into it and not just take the easy route and throw the safe picks at the top. 

I’m sure Rob O’Connor is a knowledgeable guy, but this list would suggest otherwise.

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