The debates over peoples religious choices or lack there of have been going on for thousands of years. Everyone believes they are right and they want to mold their children in their beliefs. So I ask you, what should you be telling your kids about God? In a video titled Welcome To This World, made by someone called The Thinking Atheist, this question is examined in an interesting way.

So, is this the right message to be telling your children?

We’ve probably all looked at the front of a car and thought, “That kinda looks vaguely like a face.” But we probably never looked at it and thought, “This car needs some eyelashes.”

But someone did, and now they’re trying to earn a few Pet Rock-like bucks selling Carlashes. For only $24.95, you can stick these dumbass eyelashes around your headlights and drive around town like a clown. And for $19.95 more, you can add “crystal eyeliner” over the top of it for that extra DAZZLE!

Aren’t we in some sort of recession? Do people really have the disposable income to waste on shit like this?

So yeah … I just ordered mine.

Hero pose! So dashing!!

Beleaguered director M. Night Shyamalan is a gigantic douche nozzle. He has the mistaken idea that his farts smell like the first cherry blossoms of spring, and that every thought passing through his mind recalibrates the fabric of the space/time continuum. He is dead wrong.

The entire world has been mocking the guy for at least eleven years, when the final ten minutes of Signs unspooled and left us with “Swing Away” as permission for us to start destroying the man. Was the guy who created The Sixth Sense just a fluke? Several films later, it was clear that Shyamalan was either (a) mentally unstable, (b) an egomaniac, or (c) delusional. His lack of humor was only exacerbated by the deadly pacing of his films.

But it looks like our favorite Indian filmmaker has a teeny-tiny little shred of humor left in him. He helped create this spoof of his upcoming Devil trailer, which is set on an escalator rather than in an elevator.

Now if we could just get him to stop acting!

I remember first seeing Pee Wee Herman on an HBO special called the Pee Wee Herman Show sometime around 1982. The character was obviously bizarre, but endearing as well. The show, a stage play comedian Paul Reubens had developed with some up-and-coming actors like Phil Hartman, was a goof on old Saturday morning children’s programs. It was fun, nostalgic, and slightly naughty. I loved it.

Is Simone a dude in drag? I think so.

The character was fairly unforgettable, and his growing popularity led to a feature film in 1985 which was directed by then-newcomer Tim Burton. The film, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and its sequel, Big Top Pee Wee, were uneven films, but they had some really memorable moments. The first one in particular is highly quotable (“I’m a loner, Dottie … a rebel”), but I always got this creepy, homolicious vibe coming off of it – especially the scene where Pee Wee dresses like a woman and Mickey looks him over, or Simone the waitress, who looks like a dude in drag. Of course, Pee Wee’s not the most masculine guy in the room, but when he’s dancing in front of a group of bikers while pointing at his butt, I start to wonder what the fuck I’m watching.

Then Reubens decided to throw it all away jacking off in a porn theater. Well, he denies jacking off, but what the hell was he doing there, anyway??

So Pee Wee went away for fifteen years, and the world moved on. But Reubens, who found occasional work here and there during that time period, never let the character go. So now, almost twenty years later, Reubens has decided to bring Pee Wee back with a series of appearances, all of which are leading to a possible movie.

Unfortunately, there’s a problem. (more…)

I remember the good ol’ days of celebrity sex tapes, when genuinely famous people made real and raunchy videos of their intimate sexual exploits for their own pleasure … which were then accidently leaked. Now, celebrity sex tapes feature professional lighting, scene fades, soft-focus, makeup, and carefully-placed endorsements. Who wants a celebrity sex tape that has body doubles, for cryin’ out loud?

I want my celebrity sex tape to be Danny DeVito fucking Chelsea Handler in the ass while she sucks a goat and juggles Red Skelton’s petrified balls with her two free hands, all captured on grainy IPhone footage (is there any other kind?) behind a dumpster at Applebee’s. If I need to get off to celebrities, dammit, I want it to be the most vile thing ever.

Ordinarily I would say that a sex tape featuring Z-list celebrities Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag is possibly the most unnecessary celebrity sex tape this side of a Rosie O’Donnell dyke-a-thon, but then I remember who they are. (more…)