Another Perez Hilton Bellyflop

Perez Hilton tends to be somewhat like heroin; it’s bad for you, damaging to your brain, but irresistible. Gotta hand it to the guy … he has managed to make tons of money despite having very little talent.

In the last year, Hilton has tried various ways to expand his online gossip empire. He introduced a clothing line at Hot Topic, which ended up being a monumental disaster. Then he created a concert tour, which played to half-empty small venues that would make Anvil weep. Hilton then released a widely-ignored book, which everyone quickly discerned was simply a rehashing of stories from his website.

But Hilton’s latest venture feels like his most embarrassing enterprise yet. Hilton has teamed with rotoscoper Milkfat to create a webseries called Assisted Living. The show feels desperate, flailing limply to generate controversy. Mostly, it induces yawns.

Here’s the latest episode:

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
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Celebrity Freakshow Fucks Pop Culture

Whenever you type in the words “Michael Jackson Tombstone Revealed” into Google, a curious article appears on a site called Celebrity Freakshow. And with it, a horrible picture like this:

There are other assorted nasties on there, including this very nearly accurate portrayal of Ryan O’Neal pimping a new reality show with the corpse of Farrah Fawcett:

The site is a spoof on celebrity culture – as if that needs much enhancement. If you like The Onion, I’m sure this site is for you … hopefully you also get the psychiatric help you need.

Bob Dylan Is A Corporate Whore

I never liked Bob Dylan. His singing voice is comparable to the shriek of a heavily medicated cat getting assfucked by an inflamed porcupine. He looks like he’s never seen the inside of a bathtub. His song lyrics – incorrectly referred to as “poetry” by the music elite – appear to be written by randomly selecting Scrabble tiles from a box.

But one thing you’d never imagine is Dylan selling out to corporate America.  But that is exactly what the one-time anti-establishment hero is doing with his latest album. Read more

Is This It?

Michael Jackson’s death in June has proven to be a goldmine for his family, agents, managers, casual associates, and enterprising entreprenuers. Like other dead celebrities, Jackson’s death has been the most lucrative career move he ever made.

Now get ready for Jackson’s next career move: box office giant.

The slimy owners of AEG, who sponsored Jackson’s aborted comeback tour, have been frantically editing Jackson’s rehearsal footage into a feature film/tribute/money grab called THIS IS IT. The stockholders of AEG claim this is an opportunity for Jackson fans to salute the fallen star; I suspect their motives are a little bit more selfish.

I must admit that this new trailer for the upcoming documentary makes me curious to see the film. Jackson looks much more aware than I previously thought, and the concert itself looks staggeringly epic and complex.  Thoughts of “what might have been” hang over this movie like a dead man’s fart. There is no doubt that this will be a huge financial bonanza for everyone involved. Jackson fans will doubtlessly be pleased with it, and it will probably also satisfy the morbidly curious.

The Westies

Since racist white America has robbed Kanye West at every single music award show for the past five years. Kanye has decided to start his own award show, the Westies. West will nominate and vote for the winner of each category himself to make sure the show is fair. He has already begun announcing the categories and nominees.  Here they are.

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Reanimating Michael Jackson

The second wave of vultures have descended on the corpse of Michael Jackson, propping him up for their own personal gain.

Last night’s VMA ceremony opened with a ridiculous performance by Janet Jackson. Promised to make everyone cry, she instead forced everyone to shake their heads at her. Janet, your career is over. Stop milking your dead brother’s memory to boost it.

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Yesterday Once More

I though we were done with the big music comebacks.  I didn’t think there was anybody left to make a big return.  That was, until I heard this news. Yet another washed up has been is going to try to live one more day in the past. Wanting 15 more minutes of fame and trying to live off of his sister’s dead legacy, Richard Carpenter is set to make a comeback. That’s right, the untalented half of the brother/sister group The Carpenters is planning to bring his amazing charisma and smooth voice to a casino stage near you.

Twenty-five years after his sister Karen’s body turned to ash and blew away from lack of nutrients, Richard Carpenter has announced his comeback. Next year he is planning on releasing a new album followed by a tour in 2010. The tour will star at the Shanghai World Expo, to mark the Carpenters’ 40th anniversary.

Richard will also be whoring out his 16 year old daughter Mindy by having him onstage to sing with him. He recently noticed that Mindy’s voice was a lot like Karen and dollar signs immediately popped into his head. To give the fans an even bigger treat he is going to wheel a skeleton on stage every night to sing the big encore “We’ve Only Just Begun” and “Sing”. It will look something like this.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAg1rglAovs[/youtube]

Kevin Smith Is A Whorish Hack

My hatred for Kevin Smith is palpable. His mugging, formless face creeps into my nightmares … the words he speaks in interviews cause me to grind my teeth in agony.

I’ll give the guy some credit; he managed to make it in Hollywood by accident. The one film in his “collection” deserving of any substantial mention or praise – CLERKS, of course – was a foul-mouthed series of talking-head scenes that managed to find an audience due to its ultra-low budget. Smith did it just before video cameras and computers made it possible for anyone to do it, which is what made his achievment special while making what you and your friends filmed in your backyard just some home movies. Which is precisely my point: nothing in CLERKS by itself achieved greatness, except that it was made on a shoestring. The acting is horrible, the direction is beyond artless, the sound is barely recorded, and the screenplay (the film’s most celebrated quality) is self-consciously trying to shock. Nothing in the film transcends, other than the inspirational backstory of a bunch of losers who cobbled a film together with pocket change and made it.

Since the success of CLERKS, Smith has run the festival circuit several million times, talking and talking and talking about himself and his opinions. Meanwhile, he has released a series of films that demonstrate a serious lack of vision or artistry. Every film has taken place in some corner of hell Smith self-referentially refers to as the “Askewniverse”, which contains ever-present characters like Jay and Silent Bob. These characters are shoe-horned into his films despite the fact that they do not belong in the film (did Jay and Silent Bob really need to show up in MALLRATS, CHASING AMY, or DOGMA??) because Smith needs such audience-recognition to shorthand his limp, uninspired writing. Why create new characters and situations when you can just lazily fall back on previous characters??

With the success of the Judd Apatow films – a fact that apparently rankles Smith a little bit – Smith has decided to try and replicate the mainstream success of films like THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and SUPERBAD with the publicity-baiting ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO. In this interview with First Showing, just listen to Smith talk about the “creative” direction he took for this latest film:

FS: One thing I’ve realized is that this movie has a much more mainstream appeal.

Kevin Smith: Yeah, it does have that feeling, yeah.

FS: Is that something you rationally thought about?

Kevin Smith: No. I just think it has to do with, when you remove Jay and Silent Bob from the equation, when you remove references to the other movies from the equation, even something as simple as taking it out of New Jersey, suddenly makes it more open to other people, which is strange to me. I never thought Jersey was something that was necessarily holding us back, but I’ve seen a few people comment on the fact. They’re like “thank god it’s not in Jersey, because the movie takes a whole different feel.” And I’m like, “Really?” Because we could’ve shot in Jersey. It’s not like we don’t get snow in fucking Jersey just as bad as they get in western Pennsylvania, but, for some reason, removing it from that removes it from the Askewniverse. It helps that the lead is the biggest comedy star of the moment. That kind of makes it more mainstream as well. But I don’t know. It wasn’t a conscious effort of, I’m going to do this in a way that a mainstream audience can get into. It’s just, other elements falling away and then adding elements, like Seth. Suddenly, it becomes little more mainstream.

Why on earth does Smith insist on using words like Askewniverse to describe his films?? Oh yeah … because it helps sell shit on his website. To me, it sounds more like that dorky kid in high school who would only refer to himself by his Dungeons and Dragons name. I am not Kevin, he bellows through the halls, I am Lord Of The Askewniverse!!!

Whatever.

The shocking revelation in the above quotation attributed to Smith is how very little invention goes into what me makes. To Smith, creative challenges in his films involve moving the film’s location to someplace outside of New Jersey. WOW!!! Way to stretch yourself as a writer and director, Kev!!! And apparently Smith, after eight or nine films, has finally managed to not rely on an appearance by Jay and Silent Bob in a film. AMAZING!!! It must have been tough to actually write something else after fifteen years in the business!!!

Imagine if Spielberg, after the success of JAWS, just kept making horror films about deadly ocean creatures for the following decade. Kevin Smith is simply a low-rent George Lucas, pathetically swimming in the same shallow baby pool while adamantly insisting that they are creative and worthwhile forces in film. He’s a less-talented M. Night Shyamalan, forever tied to the shocking twist of his initial success. Hell, even Scorcese managed to do something besides crime films with DeNiro.

I think Smith is a good guy, and he’d probably be fun at a bar after watching a movie. But make no mistake: he is not a filmmaker in any way other than the barest technical definition. The guy needs to retire and spend his years lecturing festival geeks about the subtle differences between the prequel trilogy and ass raping.

Whatever … Kevin, please stop making movies.

The Power Of Lucas

 Eleven Seconds after midnight on January 1, 2008, George Lucas’ power in the universe got a little stronger.  The impact of Star Wars has never been as disturbing as this.

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The Origins Of Spock

Have you ever wondered where the idea for the Mr. Spock character came from?  Was he a freak, or maybe an outcast, or maybe a half-breed, or maybe he was just a brilliant Jew?  It turns out that he may have been all of the above, but most importantly an alien Jew. 

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Lo-Life

                

Michael Lohan, the estranged father of one-time actress/drug addict Lindsay Lohan, doesn’t resemble a human being as much as he does a parasitic fungal infection.

His slobbering, narcissistic desire for attention has cost him  his family, his freedom, and now his self-respect. That’s right … add one more reality television hopeful to the parade of scummy, Z-grade losers who want to cash in 13 minute’s worth of their Warholian “fame.”

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Heavier Than Heroin

     

Courtney Love, the murderer of Kurt Cobain, continues to rape him for assets to supply her with a steady stream of drugs.

According to Variety, Courtney will executive produce a new movie detailing the life and death of Cobain, all based on the best selling biography Heavier Than Heaven by Charles Cross.

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PETA’s New Jackass

                      

The newest no talent reality star face of PETA is the always naked Jackass star Steve-O.    

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Queen Clay

 

On November 11, a tribute to the legendary rock band QUEEN will be released.  The album, entitled “Rock n’ Royalty: A Very Special Tribute To Queen” would be a great oppertunity to bring some of rocks biggest bands/singers in to pay tribute to the band.  Queen’s back catalog of music paired with some of music’s best bands could be an amazing album.  Their is one slight problem though.

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Parasite Hilton

        

I admit it – I go to Perez Hilton every single day. I am currently seeing psychotherapy for the embarrassing condition.

Lately, though, the celebrity blogger with seven million readers a day has taken his act to new levels of self-absorbtion and depravity.

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Van Halen Is Ready To Bore You

       

That picture above of David Lee Roth in full concert mode is exactly what you won’t see on the Van Halen tour, which is set to begin its fall plundering of millions of pocketbooks.

A one minute video has leaked online from their final warm up concert prior to starting the tour proper. Check out the “brilliance” after the jump.

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Led Poisoning

Seventies rock powerhouse Led Zeppelin ranks among the greatest acts in the history of music. Their blend of blues, rock, and world music catapulted them to the front stage, influencing countless acts and inspiring many artists in a variety of disciplines.

Now they have decided to reunite for one show only.

Again.

The band, which dissolved in 1980 following drummer John Bonham’s death, hasn’t played together onstage since their 1985 Live Aid performance. They have, however, been featured in different configurations since then, most notably for a best-selling acoustic set starring lead singer Robert Plant and guitarist/genius Jimmy Page.  

Here is the news announcement:

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Crocker Of Shit

Tired of seeing this fame-baiting douche-tard yet?

Video blogger Chris Crocker’s astounding four day rise to worldwide phenomenon received a little boost from Jimmy Kimmel. On  Jimmy Kimmel Live, the ever-so-slightly flamboyant YouTube “artist” granted an interview with the cross-eyed Kimmel.

Check it out:

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