Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

SNL Presidents Try To Save Obama

Okay, now this is just fucking awesome. Funny Or Die has released a short (directed by Ron Howard!) that features all of actors who have portrayed Presidents on Saturday Night Live over the years. There’s Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton, Dana Carvey (oh, how I’ve missed you!) as George Bush, Jim Carrey as Ronald Reagan, Dan Ackroyd as Jimmy Carter, and Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford. Amazing.

Dana Carvey and Jim Carrey win the battle as far as I’m concerned. Carvey in particular is hilarious. Hammond shines with his few seconds of dialogue; I always loved his Clinton (it would have been great to see Jan Hooks show up as Hillary …). Ackroyd does a good job with Carter, although it’s fairly boring (and he’s too damned fat). Chase is horrible as usual as Ford, easily the worst impression in SNL history. I’m surprised he didn’t break a hip falling on that table.

Anyway, here’s the skit. It’s just awesome:

RIP Boner

Andrew Koenig, better know to the world as Boner has been found dead in a densely wood area. He was found by family and friends who initiated their own private search. Boner had been battling depression according to his father, Star Trek actor Walter Koenig. The 41 year old actor had been missing for over a week.

It’s very sad that at 41 years old he felt that his life was lost and that the only answer was suicide.

Crack Is Whack, Yo

I’ve ranted before about Whitney Houston’s unacceptable destruction of her wondrous voice. But this is just tragic.

Over the weekend Whitney “performed” in Brisbane, Australia. From all reports, Whitney only managed to cough out a few hits before surrendering the microphone to almost anyone capable of carrying a tune. This is not, of course, what her fans are paying $100 a ticket to see. They are also not paying to see a woman hack and wheeze her way through three songs while sipping on water, but that’s what those poor Australians got last weekend.

Whitney gasped her way through her greatest song, “I Will Always Love You,” pausing for several minutes while she sipped on a glass of water. Refreshed, Whitney attempted to hit the high notes of the finale, only to sound like a homeless whore getting throat-fucked by Marlon Wayans. She laughed about her miscue, probably because she didn’t pay half of a year’s salary to be there.

What Whitney has done to her incredible voice is simply unacceptable. Even less acceptable is the idea that she should tour the world and collect money for vocal performances that would embarass Britney Spears. Whitney seriously needs to go home, apply Vicks Vaporub, drink plenty of water, and do some yoga. Most of all, she needs to stop acting like her foolish life choices have not destroyed one of the greatest human gifts seen in over one hundred years.

Crack is whack, yo. Watch the video for confirmation:

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

Read more

Ruining A Crappy Song For Haiti

The original We Are The World was a horrible and annoying song written by Michael Jackson (make the sign of the cross) and Lionel Ritchie way back in 1985. The song was a star-studded American affair that projected American pomposity while pretending to help starving Africans, but really only helped to say goodbye to a bunch of musical careers. Has anybody seen Steve Perry since then?

Now they’ve made a new version for Haiti. And it’s even worse than the original.

Read more

Who Wants This Band At The Super Bowl??

Imagine you’re the producer of the Super Bowl. You have the largest television audience at your disposal. You need a musical act of some kind to put center stage to entertain 2 billion people, including many youths. Who would you choose?

Certainly not The Who, a band that has been pointless since the mid-sixties. Their sole contribution to music is guitarist Pete Townsend’s swinging arm move. In fact, Townsend’s child pornography citation is the only thing the band has produced in thirty fucking years.

But there they will be, on the biggest stage in the world, playing a couple of songs that nobody under the age of 45 will remember. I’m sure they’re hoping for a boost in sales of their fifteenth greatest hits package – in stores now!!

The programming director for the Super Bowl, Charles Coplin, crowed about his choice of musical act in this article. Based on the acts employed recently for the halftime show, he went on to call the Super Bowl the “Ed Sullivan show of its time.” No, Charlie, it’s not. Sullivan actually went out on a limb night after night looking for new acts that appealed to the kids. He didn’t waste valuable broadcast time carting out obsolete old men and their two hits.

Here’s a radical idea: invite Jay-Z to perform at the Super Bowl. Hell, I’d take Lady Gaga over this shit. Fuck The Who.

Pink Grammy Perfection

I have no idea why so many people (mostly guys) dislike Pink. At first, she came off like just another pop princess with a husky, throaty voice. But in the last few years, Pink has defined herself as one of the premiere singer songwriters of her generation.

But thanks to last night’s perfect and gorgeous performance at the Grammys, I think it’s safe to say that Pink is now one of the most amazing performers ever.

The song she sang, Glitter In The Air, is a beautiful love song all by itself. Pink took to the stage wearing almost nothing, and then left the stage suspended only in a delicate strip of cloth for an amazing display of aerial acrobatics that left me stunned. She has always been very athletic, but I’m shocked that anyone allowed her to even try this on live television. And it worked to perfection, just like everything this remarkable woman attempts. Awesome.

The Grammys Say Goodbye To Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dominated the Grammy awards so thoroughly over the years that it’s difficult to imagine them without his huge shadow hovering overhead. There have been many tributes to the late singer since his untimely death from a drug overdose last summer, but this year’s Grammy tribute is among the best.

Using the 3D spectacle Jackson was preparing for his aborted tour, the Grammy’s paid tribute to the late singer by having Celine Dion, Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sing along with Jackson on the track Earth Song. The song is one of the best recorded by Jackson in the last half of his career, and features some of the most focused and intense vocals he ever performed.

All of the additional singers featured did well, although I’d question the inclusion of some of them. I mean, Jennifer Hudson? Carrie Underwood? In what parallel dimension did these singers have any kind of relationship with Jackson? Dion did have a friendship with Jackson, as did Robinson. Usher was always compared to a young Jackson, so it is somewhat fitting. I just thought the singers chosen felt a bit random. I might have liked to have seen people like Lionel Ritchie in a performance like this, where sentimentality means everything.

Afterwards, Prince and Paris Jackson stepped out onstage to a loud standing ovation. The world loves these kids as their own, and it’s nice to see them accepting this position as de facto royalty. Prince seemed fairly composed under the circumstances, while Paris still seems a little unsure of herself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both kids in this situation.

Here is the entire video:
Read more

Gaga Does Rocket Man

The Grammys are always a mess, usually getting it wrong and boring the fuck out of viewers everywhere. But the wise inclusion of Lady Gaga – the most important musical artist in several years – helped amp up the excitement just a little.

Not only did Gaga deservedly win a couple of awards, but she also put on a wild stage show with Elton John that stopped the show. Elton hasn’t been relevant in twenty five years, but tonight, he was the king. Check out the amazement:

Super Bowl Fags

CBS charges 2.3 million dollars per 30 second spot during the Super Bowl, so you’d think they would be eager to accept any ad from a company willing to fork over that much loot.

They are, as long as that company is straight.

Gay dating site ManCrunch attempted to buy a 30 second spot during the football game, but their application was denied. CBS executives claimed that they already had all of their spots booked, but it later came out that an anti-abortion group managed to get an ad on the channel. It’s a pretty obvious case of discrimination.

Of course, I’m not sure if there is a more male-oriented day during the year, and most of those guys really don’t want to see two dudes making out. It would make things uncomfortable around your buddies with all of those phallic-looking beer bottles everywhere.

Here’s the ad in question:

Aren’t you kinda glad your sons won’t be able to see that next weekend??

The Next President?

It’s fairly clear that Barack Obama will not be re-elected in 2012. The white people that begrudgingly voted for him in 2008 have been bitterly disappointed by his limp dealings with serious issues, and his indiscriminate use of America’s money.

Meanwhile, the Republican party is not resting on its laurels. Following Obama’s whiny State of the Union address last night, the Republicans responded with their new star, the governor of Virginia Bob McDonnell. His speech was articulate, thoughtful, and quietly damning of Obama’s lack of action. They even sneakily placed minorities in the background (notice the Chinese guy, the black woman, the army officer, and the white woman behind McDonnell), making the party look more diverse than it really is.

This guy feels like he is going to make a serious run at the Presidency. Mark my words, folks.

Another Perez Hilton Bellyflop

Perez Hilton tends to be somewhat like heroin; it’s bad for you, damaging to your brain, but irresistible. Gotta hand it to the guy … he has managed to make tons of money despite having very little talent.

In the last year, Hilton has tried various ways to expand his online gossip empire. He introduced a clothing line at Hot Topic, which ended up being a monumental disaster. Then he created a concert tour, which played to half-empty small venues that would make Anvil weep. Hilton then released a widely-ignored book, which everyone quickly discerned was simply a rehashing of stories from his website.

But Hilton’s latest venture feels like his most embarrassing enterprise yet. Hilton has teamed with rotoscoper Milkfat to create a webseries called Assisted Living. The show feels desperate, flailing limply to generate controversy. Mostly, it induces yawns.

Here’s the latest episode:

Flawsome

A music video popped up on YouTube yesterday from aspiring singer Caitlin Crosby, who is finishing up work on her debut album FLAWZ. The title track is an uplifting and very impressive song about embracing the flaws we all have that make us unique. Not only does the track have a really potent message, but Crosby delivers it with vocal conviction. This thing feels like a hit to me.

Check out the music video:

NBC: No-Brained Cowards

The Jay Leno / Conan O’Brien nonsense has shifted into a phase of ridiculousness usually reserved for bullshit like the entire George Bush regime.

First, NBC decided that they wanted to remove Jay Leno from The Tonight Show – fine, the guy sucks. Then, they decided they wanted to replace him with Conan O’Brien, whose offbeat sense of humor was something of a gamble for the type of audience typically associated with the show. Then, to appease Leno, NBC decided to give him an earlier time slot to do basically the same show.

Unfortunately, Leno is about as funny as an audio recording of an abortion. And the sixty year olds watching O’Brien didn’t care too much for the youngster’s sense of humor. So, with NBC bleeding money, the network has decided to give Conan the boot and give Leno his old job back. This would cost the network millions of dollars for reneging on the two contracts.

Meanwhile, every day that this situation remains unresolved, network affiliates lose millions of dollars in advertising money thanks to the removal of CSI to make room for Leno. What a fiasco. A recent L.A. Times article said that this nonsense has probably cost NBC $200 million dollars. Several former somebody’s are going to lose their high-rolling jobs for sure when this is finished.

The late night titans involved are having a lot of fun with this, and why not … they stand to make a ton of money off of this fiasco. Here is Conan riffing on the debacle:

Howard Stern Is A Gutless Piece Of Fuck

Howard Stern has made a comfortable living – totalling, by all accounts, into the hundreds of millions of dollars – making fun of people on the air. No shred of gossip has ever fallen from the trash can that Stern hasn’t picked up and immediately blabbed about on his radio show. He has discussed the intimate details of everyone, and poked fun at some of the most personal indiscretions revealed in public.

Of course, it’s a little different when it’s one of your own friends having problems.

Stern stammered and pussied out when talking about Saturday’s suicide attempt by Artie Lange, Stern’s longtime co-host/professional drug addict/friend. Not only did Stern shy away from discussing it, but he also criticized everyone else who is discussing this “personal family matter.” Listen to this bullshit:

Fuck you, Stern. Grow a pair of balls and treat your fat fucking douchebag buddy the same as you treat everyone else – like shit.

Tim Allen Sucks, Even When He’s Trying To Be Cool

Ya know, this video would be funnier if it didn’t look EXACTLY like every Tim Allen movie ever made. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an actual trailer.

Maybe he’s going meta on us. But I doubt it.

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
Read more

Hit Girl Kicks Ass

My most anticipated film of 2010 is the superhero action/comedy Kick Ass. The film revolves around a group of ordinary people who don superhero costumes and fight crime without any actual powers.

Well, except one. Little Chloe Moretz plays Hit Girl, a ten year old with lethal killing capabilities. This brand new red banded trailer displays Hit Girl in all of her glory, and she’s amazing; look for her to be the breakout character of the coming year. If the film matches the tone of the perfect trailer, then director Matthew Vaughn has a humongous hit on his hands.

Beached On Jersey Shore

As the inexplicably hot hit series The Hills cools down, MTV has found itself in the difficult position of replacing it with something new that will build buzz for the increasingly-irrelevant station.

So they came up with the idea of gathering together a collection of the dumbest human beings still able to walk and breathe at the same time … and then base a “reality show” around them. The catch this time: they’re all Italian. Wow.

The show, called Jersey Shore, premiered last week to some of the most scathing reviews ever. Yet every nasty word said about this atrocity is perfectly deserved.

The show follows six vapid, self-absorbed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fake tan, pluck their copious eyebrows, and flex in front of the mirror. I suppose the appeal of the show is supposed to be our admiration for their looks and bodies, which are nice, of course. But then they open their mouths, and you quickly realize that these are probably the most worthless creatures ever produced by the haphazard natural selection of human sexuality. I’ve left ejaculate in tube socks that had more emotional depth and concern for others. If I happened to be related to any of them, I would kill them with a blunt instrument in front of MTV’s cameras as a gift to popular culture and the preservation of the human race.

Here is a clip that assembles the MTV promos for each non-entity:

Next Page »