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Why STAR TREK Fails
Science fiction geeks are whacking their tricorders tonight with the debut of the high def trailer for J.J. Abrams’ STAR TREK reboot. You can see that at Apple, or you can watch a lower resolution version right here:
As far as the trailer goes, it’s well cut and engaging. The special effects look flashy. The performances and dialogue, at this point, make me cringe a little bit. Overall, it looks like a very expensive car commercial that resembles that misguided LOST IN SPACE reboot from a few years back. Paramount has obviously put a lot of faith in Abrams to resurrect this aging franchise and inject it with something resembling life.
However, the problem with STAR TREK isn’t age, or even a lack of audience interest in science fiction. The problem rests with the premise itself.
Useless Tube
Searching for something watchable on YouTube is like trying to find a gold dust flake in a rhino’s rectum; you know something good is in there, but you need to slosh through seven foul layers of hell to find it.
A recent search for a simple STAR TREK clip led me through seven cleverly-disguised clips of TREK mash-ups, which combine an actual clip with the audio replaced by a Korn or Tool song. And played loudly, at that.
Beyond mash-ups, YouTube is awash in hundreds of billions of videos featuring very lonely, talentless womb-scum ranting into their shaky, grainy webcam. These seem to be uploaded on a whim rather than reason. Still others have a point, but it is quickly lost amid the freakishness on display; recent YouTube “stars” Tay Zonday and Chris Crocker are recent examples of this dubious trend.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one to notice the continued stupidity thriving on YouTube. The good folks at THE ONION have released one of their better stories on the subject:
Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dicker
Apparently Funny Or Die, not content with being one of the premiere viral comedy video sites on the web, is branching out into longer projects.
Which is more than we can say for the subject of their first feature, THE SMALLEST COCK IN PORN: THE DON DOLMES STORY. It tells the story of … well, the title pretty much gives it away. This mockumentary debuts in a few weeks, but they have just released a trailer to get our pussies wet in anticipation:
What The Deficit Means To You
Lovely news today … the budget deficit this coming year will reach 1 trillion dollars.
In short, we’re fucked.
The only hope for mankind is a Roland Emmerich-style disaster that will put us out of our misery quickly and painlessly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it’s coming anytime soon:
Stealing Movies
I stole a movie a few nights ago, and I’m not sorry.
I begged and pleaded with Magnolia Studios to release the Swedish horror film LET THE RIGHT ONE IN here in my hometown, as they had no plans to do so. The already-planned Hollywood remake is being prepped to replace the original, threatening my opportunity to see what everyone agrees is a brilliant original film.
So, my hand forced, I went out onto the internet and stole it. And like I said, I’m not sorry.
Review: Let The Right One In
Since the invention of film, there have been movies about vampires. Few movies, however, have ever gotten their story right.
Vampires, even in traditional literature, are creatures of feral power and insatiable hunger; they are more like mosquitos in human form than artistrocratic gentlemen. Hence their appeal to audiences: they are “other”, possessors of a power and freedom that we humans lack. Unfortunately, most film adaptations of the vampire myth tend to either romanticize or modernize their plight, effectively eliminating the fear of their true nature at the very heart of the story. In my mind, NOSFERATU (1922) comes closest to presenting a vampire as a powerful, malignant creature who has an unstoppable will to survive.
That is, until now. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is one of the greatest vampire films of all time.
Read more
What Obama’s Election Teaches Us
We have witnessed an amazing moment in American history, one that will require decades to put into focus and perspective. Despite the difference in opinion, both sides can savor a victory for a system that managed to overcome deep divide.
While much has yet to be learned about the Presidential abilities of Barack Obama in the coming months and years, this tumultuous campaign has already revealed many truths to contemplate along the way:
(1) Racism has weakened in America. An idea that provided a source of laughter almost thirty years ago has now come to pass: a black man has been elected as the next President of the United States. The racial divide in America remains as strong today in some places as it did in the times of the Civil War, which is a scary notion. The YouTube videos of scabrous, inbred yokels screaming the word “nigger” at McCain rallies is scarier than anything conjured by Hollywood in decades. Still, the formerly unthinkable has occurred … so dare to dream, my little kiddies.
(2) Racism is still a problem in America.Let’s face the facts: John McCain is a stumbling, snarling troll with uncomfortable body language. He had all of the charm of a dingleberry. Yet he almost managed to win the election. Sure, the electoral college indicated a landslide, but we all know that’s a joke. The popular vote showed McCain just a few million behind Obama … and again, the guy is unelectable. The election was so close simply because Obama is black; people (unfortunately) went into the poll booth and said, “I ain’t votin’ for no nigger.” Simple as that. It’s scary that, despite the fact that Obama was the only real candidate, the race remained so close.
(3) Sarah Palin is a dangerous candidate in 2012.Many people write Palin off due to her disastrous prime time interviews with Katie Couric and others, but this is a huge mistake. Palin was being protected and coached extensively by McCain’s campaign staff, arguably the very worst campaign in Presidential campaign history. Palin was never allowed to speak her own mind and words until late in the election, and she impressed every time. She is politically savvy, charismatic, and idealistic … she will be a dangerous foe for Obama in 2012 unless he knocks it out of the park over the next four years. Of course ,she has four years to do the same thing …
(4) Obama needs to knock it out of the park in the next four years.Unlike any other President in history, Obama’s legacy rests on what he can accomplish in the next four years. It’s a tough job, because Bush so inelegantly fucked everything up. But Obama’s tone throughout the campaign was one of hope and change; he needs to deliver this to all of those people who stood there and cried tonight at his acceptance speech. If he fails, he has Oprah on his ass, and a black man will never set foot in that White House again except to clean it.
(5) Sensationalism always wins out in America.Record numbers turned out to vote for the black guy or the white chick. The debates were highly rated because of the nasty tone of the entire election. Every sarcastic Palin remark, McCain snicker, and Obama eye-roll found its way onto YouTube for the discussion of the American populace. It made for a riveting competition, but simultaneously lowered the bar of decency in American politics.
(6) Decency can overcome sensationalism. Like him or not, you must admit that Obama ran a clean and fair campaign. He mostly stuck to the facts about McCain, and took the high road as often as the opposition allowed. His level-headed debating of facts, especially in contrast to McCain’s flip-flopping campaign of lies, led to his ultimate victory at the polls; people simply trusted that Obama would do the right thing. After several elections persuaded by sensationalism, it is nice to see the good overcome the bad for once.
This is a galvanizing moment in American history. Hopefully Obama can take this momentum and fashion something meaningful and lasting and beneficial while he has the power behind him, nailing the final, definitive nail in the coffin of racism and bigotry in America. Hopefully a country that has promised freedom, equality, and opportunity for so long can finally realize its promise. Whether one election can deliver the suppressed hopes and expectations of lost generations remains to be seen, but it’s a pretty good start.
We have learned a lot … and still have much to learn.
Nearly Pixar
It really must piss off the animators at Dreamworks to constantly run behind the perceived greatness of Pixar studios. Of course, when you cough up three horrible SHREK films and shit like KUNG FU PANDA while Pixar makes WALL-E, it’s hard to expect respect from anybody other than your closest relatives.
Now Dreamworks is trying to fix that with their upcoming MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, a 3-D feature aimed squarely at those kids who have broken/misplaced their MONSTERS, INC. DVD. It looks cute, creative, and the animation looks glorious.
What do you think are some of the biggest differences between Pixar animation and the output of Dreamworks?
Star Wars Politics
If you’ve watched the Presidential campaigns AT ALL, then you know that the struggle between John McCain and Barack Obama has sunk to bizarre depths of depravity and smearing, particularly in its closing weeks. It has been like watching a movie set in some bizarre alternate universe.
Or perhaps a galaxy far, far away. This is just perfect … watch it and then go out and vote.
How long before George Lucas sues Billy Dee Williams for uttering the words “Lando Calrissian” in infringement of a Lucasfilm trademark?
Wassup, Change?
A few years back, an ad campaign started a mini-fad that quickly grated on everyone’s nerves. The “Wassup” guys spent every commercial screaming “Wassup!?” at each other. Man, it was annoying … and not even particularly clever.
But this is. They return after a long hiatus with this play on the conditions of the current Presidential race. It’s pretty freakin’ funny.
A special thanks to Megan and her “offspring” for the RECommedation! Good call, kiddo!!
Fuck You Hollywood
Hollywood is the dead possum sphincter where celluloid dreams go to die.
In the annals of dumb motherfucking ideas, the Rob Zombie remake of HALLOWEEN was easily one of the top ten. So, of course, a direct sequel, now greenlit for a January start-date, would fall just one above that … or below … ugh, I’m so damn mad right now that I cannot even think straight.
If you remember, Eric and I had this to say about Zombie’s cinematic cunt boil.
Do we really need to see a continuation of horseshit like this:
In other nausea-inducing news, the bloodfarts currently running Twentieth Century Fox apparently think that PLANET OF THE APES needs a reboot. Not content that Tim Burton wiped his black-clad ass all over the promising series in 2001 (Hey look!!! It’s APE Lincoln!!!), they think going back in time and remaking the miserable CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is box office gold. It’s called GENESIS: APES. Brilliant.
I cannot believe these guys make more money than I do, and then, adding insult to injury, are called “creative” people. I expend more creative energy trying to decide how many sheets to use when I wipe my tender asshole.
Too Late
John McCain, a mere thirty seconds before the polls open, finally decided to remove the giant stick out of his ass and lighten up. His appearance on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE last night was probably the closest he has come to approximating a human being since his campaign began. He was funny, self-deprecating, and strangely engaging.
Since one of the hot button issues of the campaign has been “experience” and “leadership”, the big question is this: Could this appearance be considered Presidential? Is it dignified? I guess we’ll have to wait and see what the voters think on Tuesday…
Knock Out
Whew, this is one slick and nifty thirty-minute spot that Obama peppered across the television dial. He has basically delivered the knockout punch to McCain’s swollen salivary gland, the final and merciful blow that will prove to galvanize Americans much more than Sarah Palin’s winks and short skirts.
Ross Perot may have done it first, but Barack did it better. I’m not trying to tell you how to vote, but … isn’t the choice obvious at this point????
The Day The Earth Yawned
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND showed awestruck humans facing the first contact by an alien race. INDEPENDENCE DAY gave us a full-scale alien invasion. So what does the new version of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL have to offer that we haven’t already seen?
From the looks of this new, extended trailer, not much.
Keanu looks like Neo on Prozac. Gort the robot looks like a lamer version of the new Cylon warriors from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. The entire movie looks like a series of open-mouthed shock shots from a Spielberg highlight reel.
Yawn.
Want Your MTV?
MTV revolutionized television twice. The first time, it managed to turn a 24 hour music video channel concept into a cultural force - despite industry expectations. Then, MTV became the flashpoint for a then-experimental idea: reality shows. Since then, reality programming has (unfortunately) taken over the medium.
Now MTV has returned to its roots with the launch of MTVMusic. The channel is a stripped down, higher quality version of YouTube, and features a massive library of licensed music videos. There is even a feature to rate videos, which gives the site a chance to create a definitive list of the greatest videos of all time.
In honor of this new service, I am embedding one of greatest music videos of all time (in my opinion), from probably the most innovative video artists in music history:
Worst President Ever?
With less than a week to go in the American Presidential race, The Times in London is running a series of articles detailing a list of Presidents, ranked worst to best. The list is culled from the choices of a large group of historians and journalists.
Their choice for worst President of all time? James Buchanan (1857-1861), who presided over the build-up to the Civil War by unwisely shoving a thumb up his ass. Other notable fuckheads include the infamous Richard Nixon (of course) and, at only number 33 of 42, the incomparably bad George W. Bush.
For my money, the worst President in American history is Read more
Kevin Smith Is A Whorish Hack
My hatred for Kevin Smith is palpable. His mugging, formless face creeps into my nightmares … the words he speaks in interviews cause me to grind my teeth in agony.
I’ll give the guy some credit; he managed to make it in Hollywood by accident. The one film in his “collection” deserving of any substantial mention or praise - CLERKS, of course - was a foul-mouthed series of talking-head scenes that managed to find an audience due to its ultra-low budget. Smith did it just before video cameras and computers made it possible for anyone to do it, which is what made his achievment special while making what you and your friends filmed in your backyard just some home movies. Which is precisely my point: nothing in CLERKS by itself achieved greatness, except that it was made on a shoestring. The acting is horrible, the direction is beyond artless, the sound is barely recorded, and the screenplay (the film’s most celebrated quality) is self-consciously trying to shock. Nothing in the film transcends, other than the inspirational backstory of a bunch of losers who cobbled a film together with pocket change and made it.
Since the success of CLERKS, Smith has run the festival circuit several million times, talking and talking and talking about himself and his opinions. Meanwhile, he has released a series of films that demonstrate a serious lack of vision or artistry. Every film has taken place in some corner of hell Smith self-referentially refers to as the “Askewniverse”, which contains ever-present characters like Jay and Silent Bob. These characters are shoe-horned into his films despite the fact that they do not belong in the film (did Jay and Silent Bob really need to show up in MALLRATS, CHASING AMY, or DOGMA??) because Smith needs such audience-recognition to shorthand his limp, uninspired writing. Why create new characters and situations when you can just lazily fall back on previous characters??
With the success of the Judd Apatow films - a fact that apparently rankles Smith a little bit - Smith has decided to try and replicate the mainstream success of films like THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and SUPERBAD with the publicity-baiting ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO. In this interview with First Showing, just listen to Smith talk about the “creative” direction he took for this latest film:
FS: One thing I’ve realized is that this movie has a much more mainstream appeal.
Kevin Smith: Yeah, it does have that feeling, yeah.
FS: Is that something you rationally thought about?
Kevin Smith: No. I just think it has to do with, when you remove Jay and Silent Bob from the equation, when you remove references to the other movies from the equation, even something as simple as taking it out of New Jersey, suddenly makes it more open to other people, which is strange to me. I never thought Jersey was something that was necessarily holding us back, but I’ve seen a few people comment on the fact. They’re like “thank god it’s not in Jersey, because the movie takes a whole different feel.” And I’m like, “Really?” Because we could’ve shot in Jersey. It’s not like we don’t get snow in fucking Jersey just as bad as they get in western Pennsylvania, but, for some reason, removing it from that removes it from the Askewniverse. It helps that the lead is the biggest comedy star of the moment. That kind of makes it more mainstream as well. But I don’t know. It wasn’t a conscious effort of, I’m going to do this in a way that a mainstream audience can get into. It’s just, other elements falling away and then adding elements, like Seth. Suddenly, it becomes little more mainstream.
Why on earth does Smith insist on using words like Askewniverse to describe his films?? Oh yeah … because it helps sell shit on his website. To me, it sounds more like that dorky kid in high school who would only refer to himself by his Dungeons and Dragons name. I am not Kevin, he bellows through the halls, I am Lord Of The Askewniverse!!!
Whatever.
The shocking revelation in the above quotation attributed to Smith is how very little invention goes into what me makes. To Smith, creative challenges in his films involve moving the film’s location to someplace outside of New Jersey. WOW!!! Way to stretch yourself as a writer and director, Kev!!! And apparently Smith, after eight or nine films, has finally managed to not rely on an appearance by Jay and Silent Bob in a film. AMAZING!!! It must have been tough to actually write something else after fifteen years in the business!!!
Imagine if Spielberg, after the success of JAWS, just kept making horror films about deadly ocean creatures for the following decade. Kevin Smith is simply a low-rent George Lucas, pathetically swimming in the same shallow baby pool while adamantly insisting that they are creative and worthwhile forces in film. He’s a less-talented M. Night Shyamalan, forever tied to the shocking twist of his initial success. Hell, even Scorcese managed to do something besides crime films with DeNiro.
I think Smith is a good guy, and he’d probably be fun at a bar after watching a movie. But make no mistake: he is not a filmmaker in any way other than the barest technical definition. The guy needs to retire and spend his years lecturing festival geeks about the subtle differences between the prequel trilogy and ass raping.
Whatever … Kevin, please stop making movies.
Joaquin Phoenix Retires
Our favorite harelipped performer, Joaquin Phoenix, has apparently decided to retire. At a benefit for the Association of Hole In The Wall camps (a Paul Newman-inspired charity for sick children … terrible name for that organization, by the way), Phoenix mumbled to a flabbergasted E! reporter that he was retiring from movies. When the reporter (justifiably) laughs incredulously at the announcement, Phoenix gets pissed off and walks away.
Some people can be so fucking self-righteous. Who has the tighter asshole … Joaquin Phoenix or Cameron from FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF????? Man, I bet it’s hard being Joaquin’s friend in real life. Look at him wrong over drinks at a bar, and there’s going to be a crying session in the parking lot or a fist fight.
Note to Joaquin: Lighten up, dude. You’re a little too old and a little too overrated to have that “tortured artist/genius” primadonna attitude.
Unforgiven 2: Gran Torino
Clint Eastwood is a cinematic legend, and he could probably rape puppies onscreen and win Oscars for it. But rather than sit back and coast into the sunset on his respected reputation, Eastwood continues to push himself artistically.
Well, until now. Like some sort of cross between UNFORGIVEN and FALLING DOWN, his newest film, GRAN TORINO, features Eastwood as a grizzled old man who must unwillingly protect his neighborhood from the local gang. It feels small. Weightless. It is certainly a well-travelled trail for the Eastwood persona, while still managing to seem inconsequential.
Here’s the brand new trailer:
Gun To The Head
Axl Rose is insane. He should have stayed in that fucking cave for the rest of his life, rather than sully the once-great name of Guns and Roses with this new shitsmear called CHINESE DEMOCRACY. Take a listen to the lead single:
Horrid. Slash probably spent the day downing a bottle of whisky and laughing his ass off. I’d rather listen to Duff McKagan fart the Star Spangled Banner while slapping his ballsack.
Just awful.
