Swift Gays

There’s a pretty cute video being passed around this week based on the year-old Taylor Swift hit You Belong With Me. In the original video, Swift dances around her house in longing over her best male friend, who doesn’t seem to love her back.

In this new version, it’s a male friend longing after his straight buddy next door. What really sells this video is the appealing aw, shucks attitude of the straight guy; the gay guy is a little annoying, however. And never in a million years would I believe that hot girl would leave the muscle jock in order to hit on some lardass standing alone by the fence.

The video, made by college kids for a project, is remarkably well shot and constructed. Check it out:

Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

SNL Presidents Try To Save Obama

Okay, now this is just fucking awesome. Funny Or Die has released a short (directed by Ron Howard!) that features all of actors who have portrayed Presidents on Saturday Night Live over the years. There’s Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton, Dana Carvey (oh, how I’ve missed you!) as George Bush, Jim Carrey as Ronald Reagan, Dan Ackroyd as Jimmy Carter, and Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford. Amazing.

Dana Carvey and Jim Carrey win the battle as far as I’m concerned. Carvey in particular is hilarious. Hammond shines with his few seconds of dialogue; I always loved his Clinton (it would have been great to see Jan Hooks show up as Hillary …). Ackroyd does a good job with Carter, although it’s fairly boring (and he’s too damned fat). Chase is horrible as usual as Ford, easily the worst impression in SNL history. I’m surprised he didn’t break a hip falling on that table.

Anyway, here’s the skit. It’s just awesome:

OK GO Keeps Music Videos Alive

There is almost no reason for a band to make a music video these days. MTV is dead, which is now some sort of reality show whore factory. The music industry itself has collapsed, with only Lady Gaga selling any albums anymore thanks to actually having some talent and vision. And really … who watches music videos anymore?

I would, if they were all like the brilliant new video from OK GO. You might remember the band from their awesome treadmill video from a few years ago. They’re back with a jaw-dropping video that recalls the wonderful Mouse Trap game, full of exotic, triggered contraptions. This might be the most creative video I’ve seen in a very long time. I sincerely hope it was done in one take without any computer graphics.

I just wish the music was better. They’re talented, but the songs aren’t particularly catchy, which is a major reason why the band hasn’t really gone anywhere despite some inventive and amazing visuals.

Check it out:

Tim Burton Sucks

… And this brilliant video proves it. Watch immediately (click on Tim’s picture for more!)

Unpretty (Wo)Man

It’s undeniable; the world is a sick place. I don’t know if it’s being caused by too much fluoride in the water, chemtrails, tainted vaccinations, or the JFK conspiracy, but people are just becoming almost disturbingly weird.

Take, for example, this guy pictured at the top of this article. He goes by the name (Wo)Man. He’s a morbidly obese dude who likes to ride around on a banana-seated bicycle wearing some form of women’s clothing. It usually ends up exposing his dick at some point, which definitely crashes the careful and beautiful illusion he’s creating.

My questions are simple ones: why on Earth has this guy not been arrested for indecent exposure? Why hasn’t he gotten the shit kicked out of him from some father whose son was emotionally raped at the sight of him? Why isn’t this guy being held in the darkest, dankest corner of a mental institution???

Anyway, here’s a video of this freakazoid riding around town on his bike, the wind gently lifting his skirt to expose his dimpled ass. Classy!

Almost A Dead Man

This past Sunday, at WWE’s Elimination Chamber Pay Per View WWE World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker almost saw his demise. This night he had more to worry about than the five men he would be locked in a cage with.

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Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Ruining A Crappy Song For Haiti

The original We Are The World was a horrible and annoying song written by Michael Jackson (make the sign of the cross) and Lionel Ritchie way back in 1985. The song was a star-studded American affair that projected American pomposity while pretending to help starving Africans, but really only helped to say goodbye to a bunch of musical careers. Has anybody seen Steve Perry since then?

Now they’ve made a new version for Haiti. And it’s even worse than the original.

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Fight The Power!

Most people hate WalMart for all the wrong reasons. Some complain about the low wages for their employees, while others complain about the destruction of small business. Of course, people are actually just jealous that WalMart does such a good job at exploiting the benefits of capitalism.

And, in the case of this guy, he’s had more than enough of WalMart’s cheap prices, messy aisles, and smelly customers. So he took a baseball bat from sporting goods and began publicly demonstrating his rage in the electronics section. Check out the carnage:

Awesome!

Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Carrot Top Is A Freak

What horrible childhood trauma occurred in the young life of Carrot Top to make him morph into a ginger-haired version of Michael Jackson?

The guy managed to achieve some level of fame in the late eighties/early nineties with an act full of groan-inducing sight gags. Once he made some cash, he decided to spend it on a series of face lifts and steroid injections that have turned him into the planet’s freakiest-looking dude. At this point, he probably terrifies his own mother.

TMZ caught up with Carrot Top on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Who knows why. But it does give us another opportunity to stare at a train wreck. By the way, there is no carpet – PUKE!

PHANTOM MENACE – The Ultimate Review

We all realize that there is something really, really wrong with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, but it’s been hard to articulate. Usually we just end up saying that the movie “sucks” or “Jar Jar sucks” or “George Lucas raped my childhood.” You know, something insightful like that.

But someone has finally taken the time to sit down and tear apart the massive flaws in logic and storytelling that exist in the movie. In fact, there are quite a few that you never grasped in all of the time you watched the film. Even better, the guy is a character in his own right, and this massive 90 minute review is pretty damn funny.

The Grammys Say Goodbye To Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dominated the Grammy awards so thoroughly over the years that it’s difficult to imagine them without his huge shadow hovering overhead. There have been many tributes to the late singer since his untimely death from a drug overdose last summer, but this year’s Grammy tribute is among the best.

Using the 3D spectacle Jackson was preparing for his aborted tour, the Grammy’s paid tribute to the late singer by having Celine Dion, Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sing along with Jackson on the track Earth Song. The song is one of the best recorded by Jackson in the last half of his career, and features some of the most focused and intense vocals he ever performed.

All of the additional singers featured did well, although I’d question the inclusion of some of them. I mean, Jennifer Hudson? Carrie Underwood? In what parallel dimension did these singers have any kind of relationship with Jackson? Dion did have a friendship with Jackson, as did Robinson. Usher was always compared to a young Jackson, so it is somewhat fitting. I just thought the singers chosen felt a bit random. I might have liked to have seen people like Lionel Ritchie in a performance like this, where sentimentality means everything.

Afterwards, Prince and Paris Jackson stepped out onstage to a loud standing ovation. The world loves these kids as their own, and it’s nice to see them accepting this position as de facto royalty. Prince seemed fairly composed under the circumstances, while Paris still seems a little unsure of herself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both kids in this situation.

Here is the entire video:
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Super Bowl Fags

CBS charges 2.3 million dollars per 30 second spot during the Super Bowl, so you’d think they would be eager to accept any ad from a company willing to fork over that much loot.

They are, as long as that company is straight.

Gay dating site ManCrunch attempted to buy a 30 second spot during the football game, but their application was denied. CBS executives claimed that they already had all of their spots booked, but it later came out that an anti-abortion group managed to get an ad on the channel. It’s a pretty obvious case of discrimination.

Of course, I’m not sure if there is a more male-oriented day during the year, and most of those guys really don’t want to see two dudes making out. It would make things uncomfortable around your buddies with all of those phallic-looking beer bottles everywhere.

Here’s the ad in question:

Aren’t you kinda glad your sons won’t be able to see that next weekend??

Orange You Sorry I Showed You This?

Last year some dude named Dane Boedi created a little film called The Annoying Orange. It was made using the old trick of superimposing human mouths and eyes onto fruit – fairly simple, and very annoying.

Now the orange has its own YouTube channel, and in just a few weeks has over 50,000 subscribers, and is rated the number 2 most popular channel on the site this month. Amazing.

Here is the first video that caused the sensation:

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Eye Tattoos For Dumbshits

People in prison are generally not the most intelligent members of society. Their lifestyles should not be emulated by people wishing to remain on the outside.

So I find it a little odd that these idiots were featured on a news program sporting the latest in stupid tattooing: eye tattoos. Apparently, having nothing better to do, they took a hypodermic needle and injected colored dyes into their eyeballs in order to change the color of the white area.

This is not cool, nor is it wise to demonstrate this trend in prison fashion to impressionable young people who will inevitably blind themselves in the process. Check out the stupidity:

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Tim Allen Sucks, Even When He’s Trying To Be Cool

Ya know, this video would be funnier if it didn’t look EXACTLY like every Tim Allen movie ever made. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an actual trailer.

Maybe he’s going meta on us. But I doubt it.

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