PARANORMAL ACTIVITY And True Horror Films

As you may know from yesterday’s review, I absolutely loved the indie shocker PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. As both a horror film and a way to make huge sums of cash, the film cannot be beaten.

The film’s achievement is even more astounding considering the current state of horror films today. Most film producers and directors mistake GORE for HORROR (I’m looking at you, Eli), and horror-hungry audiences snatch it up like a starving Ethiopian on a rotten chicken wing. When the greatest horror film in recent memory is a HOUSE OF WAX remake featuring Paris Hilton, you know the genre is in a sad state.

Thankfully PARANORMAL ACTIVITY revives the great truisms of the horror genre and underlines them for even the dimmest of studio executives. It’s a good idea for all producers and directors to closely examine what makes a film like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY click. HINT: It’s not the shaky cam.

1. Implied Horror: There is very little blood or overt violence in PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. This is in keeping with the great horror films of the past. Think about PSYCHO, HALLOWEEN, or THE SHINING, and remember how very little actual violence we saw in those films. Even films like ALIEN or TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – films with some amount of actual violence – contain surprisingly little blood. This allows the horror to marinate in your mind, an infinitely scarier place than anything conjured onscreen.

2. Horror Films Do Not Need Stars: Lately every horror film seems equipped with a “name” of some kind, as if audiences flock to them to see their favorite star get hacked up. But most of the great horror films contain few stars, or stars who have yet to discover their defining role. And this rule is almost certainly true of “game-changing” horror films – think NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD or THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

3. Horror Films Need A Simple Hook Or Premise: Lately, we have been deluged with post-RING movies that are more convoluted and “twisty” than M. Night Shyamalan on LSD. But the greatest horror films feed off our simplest and most basic fears – showering defenseless, sleeping, being trapped in a cave, or swimming in shark-infested waters. The simpler it is, the easier it is to sell the horror and allow the audience to relate.

4. Horror Films Do Not Need Huge Budgets: Again, some of the greatest horror films of all time sprang from budgets under a million dollars – EVIL DEAD, TEXAS CHAINSAW, LIVING DEAD – but for some reason studio bosses keep ladling on expensive and phony CGI effects. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY demonstrates that a little imagination can trump CGI effects every day of the week.

5. Horror Films Should Build Tension: It’s shocking how often this is overlooked in most recent horror films. It’s the classic gambit – you introduce something … an idea, an object … and then you call back to it as it plays in the story. This causes an audience to begin dreading the outcome. Spielberg did this in JAWS, Hitchcock did it in all of his movies, and it is something that is vital to the genre. Of recent directors, only M. Night Shyamalan seems to have any capacity for it. In PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, director Oren Peli does this with the video surveillance footage, as well as the Oija board. It is a crucial element to building suspense and ratcheting up the scares.

Sadly, Hollywood executives will probably only see the $11,000 price tag and the ludicrous profits, rather than learn these valuable lessons re-taught by PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Films like BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL are not flash-in-the-pan video footage successes. They are skillful horror films that call back to the great horror films of the past, and utilize techniques that have been honed over decades.

It’s time for the hacks in Hollywood to go back to horror school, and school is back in session with every showing of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.

The Top Ten Most Achingly Beautiful People In Motion Picture History

You want to know why there aren’t too many ugly people working in front of the cameras in Hollywood? Because we are forced to see ugly and disgusting people very single day when we go to Wal Mart, stop at a fast food restaurant, or pass in front of a mirror. When we go to the movies, we want to see and identify ourselves with beautiful people and exciting adventures; it ruins the fun if the hero has a bald spot bigger than yours.

And while there are many attractive people in Hollywood, some are too incredibly beautiful to believe. It’s as if God crafted them from a separate pile of dirt than the rest of us … the bastards.

So here is my list of the top ten most beautiful women and men of Hollywood:

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The Adam Sandler Problem

On a list of the most financially successful movie comedians of all time, Adam Sandler would probably be fourth behind Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, and Mike Myers. Sandler has two of the top 25 highest grossing movie comedies with BIG DADDY and THE WATERBOY, two of his worst films. Yet, unlike those other three comedians, Sandler is often universally despised and panned by movie critics across the country.

Why? Because he’s just not particularly funny.

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Piracy And The Art Of Posturing

So I watched X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE a few days ago and posted my reactions to the rough cut of this upcoming film. Not only was I deluged with pompous, self-righteous comments from angelic beings of pure light, but the site was also targeted by FOX with demands to remove the sneak peek.

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Goodbye George Bush, Or: How We Stopped Worrying and Embraced Preemptive Warfare

Originally published on Sammray!

I’ve made it a well-known fact that I despise every last bit of cellular debris that forms our outgoing American President George W. Bush. Given the currently corrupted state of politics in Washington, even Jesus Hellion Christwould be making backend deals in the Library of Congress if he were President. But I’m pretty sure I’ve had things surgically removed that could govern this country better than that Texas fratboy dipshit.

Thanks to the September 11th tragedy in 2001, it’s difficult to remember or recount exactly how we got ourselves into this mess of a Presidency. I mean, how exactly did this guy get elected or re-elected?? Before we knew it, buildings and bodies were falling to Earth, and this idiot was standing on the rubble pile with a bullhorn declaring war on terror. And all of America cheered, seething with an unquenchable lust for revenge.

And now we find ourselves disillusioned, frustrated, and angry as a defiant Bush leaves office with the country in tatters.

The current popular trend is to blame Bush and his cronies for the catastrophes to follow 9/11. But before we blame this buffoon for the mess, we should look into ourselves … into our own collective American need to be the cowboy in the world. Americans have a deep-seated need to be the tough guy, the fearless and unflinching bully. Many think it started with the 9/11 attacks, but the proof is everywhere prior to that horrible day.

Look at this scene near the beginning of 1997’s Air Force One. Listen to this speech by Harrison Ford’s President Marshall … it’s full of the same righteous fury and indignation that fueled the response to 9/11 in America.

My point is that, as Bush leaves office disgraced beyond hope, we should all share a bit of that shame as well. Our culture has been fostering this Presidency for a very long time. Perhaps we get what we deserve after all.

Notorious P.I.G.

Originally published on SAMMYRAY.

The upcoming biopic Notorious – about the life and death of rapper Biggie Smalls – is almost upon us. Unfortunately. While driving, I heard a commercial for the film which utilizes that horrible Duran Duran song from 1986.

Of course, the song was sampled in Biggie’s obvious posthumous rap hit Notorious B.I.G (clever!!!). It sucked, too.

Am I alone in feeling glad that Biggie got what he deserved?
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Salute The Winner

The big highlight of tonight’s Golden Globe ceremony was Mickey Rourke’s rambling, unstoppable acceptance speech after winning Best Actor for The Wrestler. He deserves this moment after spending a career getting his teeth kicked in by life.

Topping this off like a shiny, fresh cherry was director Darren Aronofsky’s one-fingered salute to the actor on live television.

2008: A Look Back

Every half-assed movie site and film critic has been posting their annual lists of the “Best” and “Worst” films of 2008. Such lists are fun, but the moviegoing experience is so subjective that lists like these are generally impossible to tabulate. I mean, can we really compare IRON MAN to THE WRESTLER or DOUBT without looking ridiculous?

However, I feel compelled to at least give it a quick try for the sake of posterity.

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And The (Regifted) Oscar Goes To …

We all secretly hate those damned Academy Awards. Every year we screech in horror at the selections of the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences, and then spend another fifteen hours in front of the television as they choose the worst nominee as the winner. Who runs that fucking Academy, anyway? The editors of Rolling Stone magazine?!? Unfortunately,  the circus continues, unabated and unashamed.

They should be ashamed, though. Deep down, the winners know they are losers, destined to be forever linked to eternal questions of the universe such as, “How the fuck can HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY win Best Picture over the Greatest Film Of All Time?!?” Of course, despite that gnawing feeling of lonely self-hatred over their unworthiness, they keep the award rather than respectfully return it. This is the sad consequence of playing the Hollywood power game; you cannot do the right thing even if you wanted to. To Hollywood, giving back your Oscar is akin to giving your mother an apology card after you anally raped her; the family simply doesn’t want you around, no matter how much you spent on the extra classy Hallmark card.

So today we’re going to force one of those undeserving bastards regift their undeserved Oscar to a much more worthy talent. The field of potential regifters is mind-bogglingly huge. I mean, one year saw four Oscar nominations for TRANFORMERSalone!! But one Oscar winner really chews on my ballsack:

ROCKY.

The 1976 underdog drama about a small-town, poorer than dirt boxer who reaches the overcomes the highest pinnacle of his sport ignited the nation. Written by and starring Sylvester Stallone, the film dominated the American movie scene on the basis of its inspirational theme song and dog-eared charm. So why would I choose this film as the most offensive Oscar winner ever?

I have three reasons, actually: ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN, NETWORK, and TAXI DRIVER. 

As a film, ROCKY is okay. The fist-pumping narrative helps blind people to nagging little things like the ridiculous romance between Rocky and Adrian. Or how Stallone can barely speak. Or how Burt Young’s Paulie is one of the most annoying characters in movie history. Or how the film is overly sentimental. Only Burgess Meredith’s Mickey gave the film any authentic spark or realism.  The film is low budget and looks it.

Meanwhile, the three films it bested for the Oscar are all better and more worthy films. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN, produced just after the nation had endured the Watergate crisis upon which it’s based, is a complex, detailed, and mesmerizing account of the news angle of the story. It features two brilliant lead performances by Dustin Hoffmann and Robert Redford as journalists Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. It is the template for later films like Zodiac in their methodical approach to historical fiction.

Equally topical, NETWORK hammered away at the increasingly-sensational television media of its day. In subsequent years, the film seems almost as prophetic as the film’s Howard Beale. Although the Academy recognized the superior performances in NETWORK, the film itself was undone in the Best Picture category thanks to ROCKY’s populist message.

While ATPM and NETWORK dealt with themes of society and social disintegration in larger brush strokes, the masterful TAXI DRIVERlooks at it through a microscope named Travis Bickle. Robert DeNiro is at his best as the magnetic, lonely cab driver, and Jodie Fosterstuns as an underaged prostitute. Martin Scorcese – robbed of a deserved Best Director Oscar here for the first of many tries – keeps the film ragged and nervy. This is a gritty, subversive film that rightly deserved recognition.

All three of these films deserved an Oscar before ROCKY, but that’s not to say that ROCKY is a bad film. It still stands today as the template for the “underdog makes it big” film, right down to the triumphant training scene at the end of the second act that has been imitated several million times. But it is certainly not Best Picture of that year … or any year. It would be like FORREST GUMP beating PULP FICTION  – ooops, forget I said that.

So now that ROCKY must cough up its Oscar, to whom should it be given? There is really only one answer. The Oscar should go to someone who is even more sentimental than that tale of our favorite boxer. Someone inspirational, able to rise to the challenges of writing one post a month. Someone with a right hook of sarcasm nastier than Rocky’s left. And someone with an uglier mug than Paulie and Mickey combined.

Yo, Adrian! The winner is …

ROCKY’S regifted Oscar goes to my pal Alan at Burbanked!!! Happy Third Blogging Anniversary, buddy!!

The Oscars Get Jacked Up

There are few things in life more boring than the yearly Oscar telecast. I have a Chia Pet on my windowsill that provides more entertainment and laughs-per-second than any Oscar marathon ever has … and yes, I’m including David Letterman’s disastrous “Uma … Oprah” bit as well.

The brain trust behind the upcoming telecast have heard our collective yawns, and have decided to make a 180-degree turn with the hiring of Hugh Jackman as this year’s host. Yes, HUGH JACKMAN. The guy with the knives coming out of his fists.

The choice isn’t as misguided as it initially sounds. Jackman-hosted Tony Award gigs have netted the highest ratings in its history; of course, out of a sampling audience of fifteen, even one more viewer exponentially increases the ratings. I mean, seriously – who watches the fucking Tony Awards?!?!? Even the gays avoid that shit like it’s AIDS.

The bigger pull for the Academy in hiring Jackman is his huge worldwide following. The movie industry no longer exists in a fishbowl just off the California coast. There are hotspots around the world for motion picture product from Hollywood and elsewhere; hell, half of a movie’s total gross now comes from the world outside of the United States … GASP!!!! Jackman’s inclusion in this long-winded tradition ensures a massive worldwide audience that Whoopi Goldberg could never hope for in a thousand careers.

Personally, I think the spectacle needs to be trimmed of the fat, and Jackman is a good choice. My initial reaction was revulsion, but, after careful consideration, I think it might be refreshing to be rid of the awkward comedic bullshit and strained attempts to entertain.

When you think about it, the best moments in Oscar’s long history occur randomly and unscripted: Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups … the streaker running behind David Niven … Michael Moore’s inflammatory anti-Bush tirade … Sacheen Littlefeather refusing Marlon Brando’s Oscar. Some hosts have been able to humorously roll with these unexpected punches, the best being Billy Crystal and Steve Martin. But, overall, the host has little to do with the success of the show.

So … what do you guys think about Jackman’s appointment as your next Oscar host???

Oscar Buzz: Best Special Effects

Oscar madness is beginning to heat up, so I thought it might be time to start looking at some individual categories and their possible nominees.

Categories like Best Special Effects have traditionally been like the aisle runner at a wedding; part of the ceremony, but not a particularly exciting part at all. However, in recent years, special effects have driven the industry to delirious new financial heights, so their importance is magnified.

Here is a nifty video compiling six potential nominees for this technical category:

Personally, I think it is a two horse race between IRON MAN and THE DARK KNIGHT. While films like PRINCE CASPIAN and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL have their moments, neither of them have the “wow” factor in service to a terrific, emotionally-powerful story.

Some have been discounting THE DARK KNIGHT, hypothesizing that the extensive use of practical effects might hinder its chances to be nominated. I counter that those practical effects are used seamlessly, as are the brilliant CGI effects. The film feels utterly realistic, which is the ultimate compliment to a film like this. In fact, I think TDK might take this award … although that shot of Iron Man cockily walking away from that tank as it explodes might be my favorite effects shot of the summer.

Either one deserves it.

A “Dark” Horse For Best Picture

My review of THE DARK KNIGHT used words like “masterpiece” quite liberally. Subsequent viewings only strengthened my support for this rare and brilliant summer blockbuster.

While HEATH LEDGER has received most of the attention, the film fires on all cylinders. It’s structurally and philosophically dense, with layered performances to match director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S brooding and meditative composition. In one stroke, it raised the bar for summer action films and changed the rules future comic book adaptations will follow.

For some reason, recent chatter about Best Picture nominees have unjustly ignored this year’s highest grossing film as a potential honoree. To these, I submit that THE DARK KNIGHT is at least as dense and as powerful as THE DEPARTED, which unfairly won Best Picture two years ago. In the past, films like STAR WARS and E.T. have vied for an Oscar, yet neither one of those films attempts the type of adult drama that KNIGHT manages easily. It would be a grievous mistake to overlook this film’s merits simply because it features a dude running around in a cape and cowl.

To amplify this, Warner Brothers has turned up the heat with a series of promos to persuade Academy voters. Revisit some of this summer’s best moments right here:

Why STAR TREK Fails

Science fiction geeks are whacking their tricorders tonight with the debut of the high def trailer for J.J. Abrams’ STAR TREK reboot. You can see that at Apple, or you can watch a lower resolution version right here:

As far as the trailer goes, it’s well cut and engaging. The special effects look flashy. The performances and dialogue, at this point, make me cringe a little bit. Overall, it looks like a very expensive car commercial that resembles that misguided LOST IN SPACE reboot from a few years back. Paramount has obviously put a lot of faith in Abrams to resurrect this aging franchise and inject it with something resembling life.

However, the problem with STAR TREK isn’t age, or even a lack of audience interest in science fiction. The problem rests with the premise itself.

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Stealing Movies

I stole a movie a few nights ago, and I’m not sorry.

I begged and pleaded with Magnolia Studios to release the Swedish horror film LET THE RIGHT ONE IN here in my hometown, as they had no plans to do so. The already-planned Hollywood remake is being prepped to replace the original, threatening my opportunity to see what everyone agrees is a brilliant original film.

So, my hand forced, I went out onto the internet and stole it. And like I said, I’m not sorry.

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Kevin Smith Is A Whorish Hack

My hatred for Kevin Smith is palpable. His mugging, formless face creeps into my nightmares … the words he speaks in interviews cause me to grind my teeth in agony.

I’ll give the guy some credit; he managed to make it in Hollywood by accident. The one film in his “collection” deserving of any substantial mention or praise – CLERKS, of course – was a foul-mouthed series of talking-head scenes that managed to find an audience due to its ultra-low budget. Smith did it just before video cameras and computers made it possible for anyone to do it, which is what made his achievment special while making what you and your friends filmed in your backyard just some home movies. Which is precisely my point: nothing in CLERKS by itself achieved greatness, except that it was made on a shoestring. The acting is horrible, the direction is beyond artless, the sound is barely recorded, and the screenplay (the film’s most celebrated quality) is self-consciously trying to shock. Nothing in the film transcends, other than the inspirational backstory of a bunch of losers who cobbled a film together with pocket change and made it.

Since the success of CLERKS, Smith has run the festival circuit several million times, talking and talking and talking about himself and his opinions. Meanwhile, he has released a series of films that demonstrate a serious lack of vision or artistry. Every film has taken place in some corner of hell Smith self-referentially refers to as the “Askewniverse”, which contains ever-present characters like Jay and Silent Bob. These characters are shoe-horned into his films despite the fact that they do not belong in the film (did Jay and Silent Bob really need to show up in MALLRATS, CHASING AMY, or DOGMA??) because Smith needs such audience-recognition to shorthand his limp, uninspired writing. Why create new characters and situations when you can just lazily fall back on previous characters??

With the success of the Judd Apatow films – a fact that apparently rankles Smith a little bit – Smith has decided to try and replicate the mainstream success of films like THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and SUPERBAD with the publicity-baiting ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO. In this interview with First Showing, just listen to Smith talk about the “creative” direction he took for this latest film:

FS: One thing I’ve realized is that this movie has a much more mainstream appeal.

Kevin Smith: Yeah, it does have that feeling, yeah.

FS: Is that something you rationally thought about?

Kevin Smith: No. I just think it has to do with, when you remove Jay and Silent Bob from the equation, when you remove references to the other movies from the equation, even something as simple as taking it out of New Jersey, suddenly makes it more open to other people, which is strange to me. I never thought Jersey was something that was necessarily holding us back, but I’ve seen a few people comment on the fact. They’re like “thank god it’s not in Jersey, because the movie takes a whole different feel.” And I’m like, “Really?” Because we could’ve shot in Jersey. It’s not like we don’t get snow in fucking Jersey just as bad as they get in western Pennsylvania, but, for some reason, removing it from that removes it from the Askewniverse. It helps that the lead is the biggest comedy star of the moment. That kind of makes it more mainstream as well. But I don’t know. It wasn’t a conscious effort of, I’m going to do this in a way that a mainstream audience can get into. It’s just, other elements falling away and then adding elements, like Seth. Suddenly, it becomes little more mainstream.

Why on earth does Smith insist on using words like Askewniverse to describe his films?? Oh yeah … because it helps sell shit on his website. To me, it sounds more like that dorky kid in high school who would only refer to himself by his Dungeons and Dragons name. I am not Kevin, he bellows through the halls, I am Lord Of The Askewniverse!!!

Whatever.

The shocking revelation in the above quotation attributed to Smith is how very little invention goes into what me makes. To Smith, creative challenges in his films involve moving the film’s location to someplace outside of New Jersey. WOW!!! Way to stretch yourself as a writer and director, Kev!!! And apparently Smith, after eight or nine films, has finally managed to not rely on an appearance by Jay and Silent Bob in a film. AMAZING!!! It must have been tough to actually write something else after fifteen years in the business!!!

Imagine if Spielberg, after the success of JAWS, just kept making horror films about deadly ocean creatures for the following decade. Kevin Smith is simply a low-rent George Lucas, pathetically swimming in the same shallow baby pool while adamantly insisting that they are creative and worthwhile forces in film. He’s a less-talented M. Night Shyamalan, forever tied to the shocking twist of his initial success. Hell, even Scorcese managed to do something besides crime films with DeNiro.

I think Smith is a good guy, and he’d probably be fun at a bar after watching a movie. But make no mistake: he is not a filmmaker in any way other than the barest technical definition. The guy needs to retire and spend his years lecturing festival geeks about the subtle differences between the prequel trilogy and ass raping.

Whatever … Kevin, please stop making movies.

Greatest Movie Characters: Big Ernie McCracken

We want to start looking back at some of our favorite movie characters, and the people who brought them to life. Have any suggestions?? Leave them in the comments section!

Bill Murray was already a comedic legend by the time the infamous Farrelly Brothers tapped him to play the slimy, self-centered bowling champion Ernie McCracken in the 1996 comedy KINGPIN. He had established himself as the king of sarcasm in the late seventies on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, and then cemented his fame with scene-stealing turns in CADDYSHACK, MEATBALLS, and GHOSTBUSTERS. However, his true comedic masterpiece came midway through his career as “Big Ern” in KINGPIN.

Look at this subtle scene early in the film. Murray manages to make McCracken smarmy and sleazy, yet strangely likeable:

By the end, Murray’s McCracken has degenerated into a combover monstrosity of the highest comedic order. Look at how far Murray is willing to take the character into the depths of depravity and self-absorption:

According to Wikipedia, Murray ad-libbed every single line of dialogue in this film, which is remarkable considering the consistency on display. While KINGPIN boasts some terrific performances and memorable characters, Murray leads the way with his inspired, ego-free portrayal of one of cinema’s greatest villains. GENIUS!!

Here are Siskel and Ebert raving about the film, and singling out Murray’s perfect performance in particular:

Let’s Remake Everything!!!

Hey Hollywood! Here’s a great idea: LET’S REMAKE EVERYTHING! Every single piece of material ever produced on film or on television needs to be remade.

What about classics, you ask? FUCK IT!! We’ll remake CITIZEN KANE with Jonah Hill as Charles Foster Kane and Michael Cera as his “wacky” sidekick Jedediah Leland! We’ll not only improve the cast, but also the dramatic structure; the ending is so boring … instead of simply burning Rosebud in a fire, we’ll have the entire Xanadu complex blown up in a huge explosion. Oh … and we’ll make it in 3-D too, so when Rosebud flies out of the explosion, it’ll fly right past everyone’s face so that they know that it was the sled all along!! The kids will love it!

And let’s not forget television! That medium has produced so many great properties that we can make movies forever!!! Think about it for a second …. nobody’s ever made THE FACTS OF LIFE into a movie! We can get Lindsay Lohan to play Blair, Hillary Duff to play Jo, and Kathy Bates to play Mrs. Garrett! And we’ll add some lezbo sex in the girl’s dormitory to attract the 18-40 male demographic … but nothing featuring Natalie, ’cause she’s fat.

Or instead, maybe we can “reimagine” CHEERS with Jonah Hill as Norm, Nicholas Cage as Sam the bartender, and Amy Adams as Diane. We’ll even get someone not that attractive to play Carla – get Uma Thurman on the phone! The nostalgia-factor alone will guarantee a $30 million dollar opening weekend … toss in a cover of the theme song by Aerosmith, and we could be looking at a $31.5 million opening! Oh yeah, baby!

Thankfully, while I eagerly wait for these pointless television remakes to happen, I can tide myself over with awesome filmic experiences like this at my local mega-plex! AWESOME! Keep it coming, Hollywood!

And after we have exhausted all of the previously-created properties in movies and television, we can move on to other materials and remake them as well!! There must be thousands of Punch and Judy puppet shows that have never been adapted into films! And think of all of the cave-paintings in Europe that have yet to be reimagined!

My God, it’s a veritable cornucopia of material!! We will never, ever, ever need to use our imaginations ever again!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about the rant, kids. It’s just that this next sentence disturbs me.

According to Hollywood Wiretap, “producer” Jerry Bruckheimer has optioned THE LONE RANGER for a new live action feature. The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the wordsmiths responsible for some of the most cliched, squirm-in-your-seat dialogue and situations of the last twenty years.

Think about that for a second. Bruckheimer is taking a property that has absolutely no value to anyone under the age of fifty – in America or otherwise – sprucing it up with lots of heavily-filtered shots and explosions, and then marketing it with the subtlety of Hitler’s march into Russia.

This is going to be yet another $70 million dollar waste of celluloid, replete with nonsensical action sequences courtesy of our thoughtful scribes Elliot and Rossio. Can they not understand that the time of the Lone Ranger has long since passed? Are they unable to see that the Lone Ranger means nothing at all to the rest of the world? Like the current American president, they seek only to steamroll over others with their own agenda in order to make themselves a tidy profit.

Let’s face several facts about this upcoming film right now:

- They will get someone like Zac Efron to play The Lone Ranger.

- They will get someone Chinese to play Tonto so that the faithful sidekick can really sidekick some ass.

- There will be a swordfight on a rolling/moving contraption of some sort.

- Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power.

- There will be some sort of love interest. This will either involve Tonto (hey, that Brokeback shit is in these days!!), or some “spunky” gal that meets the Lone Ranger in a “cute” way.

- Aerosmith will provide a mid-tempo ballad for the closing credits. Ya gotta have soundtrack tie-ins!!

All in all, this is just the most extreme case of desperation. Is there absolutely nothing else in the world to produce???? There are probably several hundred thousand scripts rejected by Hollywood every single year simply because the writer does not have an agent. These are original works that have potential, yet the Hollywood elite prefers to stick to formulaic, in-house bullshit to regurgitate into theaters.

NOTE TO BRUCKHEIMER: I have a couple of scripts. They are original. They might be shit, but I guarantee you that they’re better than this.

Get LOST, BOYS!!

Most creatures in this world serve some sort of purpose. Some are truly inspirational (like dolphins, or Ghandi), some are ingenious (like spiders, or Madonna), and some even unite others due to their own pure wickedness (like Hitler, or Rosie O’Donnell). Hell, even the lowly maggot serves a noble purpose in the glorious chain of life.

And just below that maggot is Corey Feldman.

When your single greatest achievement in life (besides marrying a model) is contributing the character of Mouth in THE GOONIES, then it’s time to reassess the direction of that life.

And reassess it he apparently has. Not content to rest his laurels upon his misguided and very much dead career, the Talented Corey has decided to revisit one of his more-fondly remembered roles and completely destroy it as well. Fortunately for Mr. Feldman, Hollywood producers rank just underneath him on the food chain, and they are eager to make a sleazy buck to help him do it.

Enter LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE. Although missing Rehab Corey, the production managed to soldier on thanks to Talented Corey’s guiding light. To flesh out the whisker-thin storyline, the “producers” wisely incorporated lots of twentysomething mannequins in various states of undress. BRILLIANT!!

One problem, though: the original LOST BOYS was a ridiculously fun guilty-pleasure, filled to the brim with winning performances by a large group of talented young actors. Although rated R, it still felt lightweight and harmlessly fun. This new version looks like something assembled by a craigslist casting call and a scriptwriting monkey, and bolstered by a three minute cameo by Mr. Feldman.

Now, on the eve of the direct to DVD release of the “film,” the producers have released a trailer in order to whet the appetites of dozens of film lovers with titillating shots of vapid models showering together. And here it is:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=0BOsRpY8Aok[/youtube]

Watching this stuns me into coma-like incredulity. It makes me renounce a belief in God. It makes me want to go into regression therapy until I forget what my pee-pee does. It makes me want to have a shotgun custom-fitted for my mouth.

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: You have all of the money and talent to make perfect works of art. STOP MAKING THIS SHIT!!!

All Is Right In Hollywood

For once, Hollywood has gotten it right.

In recent years, movie fans have crawled like hopeful lemmings to their television sets on Oscar night, only to be crushed and broken by a series of bizarre winning choices. Bloggers like Piper over at Lazy Eye Theatre have gone on and on about the many terrible choices among the winners. I mean, CRASH??? Seriously?

But, on this night, Oscar got it right … and movie fans can regain a little hope.

OLD COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN was the best film of 2007, and it won. All of the major awards went to the right winner for the first time that I can remember. Hell … even TRANSFORMERS lost the special effects Oscar.

Thank you, Hollywood! 

Can Spielberg Be Topped?

No, I don’t mean sexually.

Chris and I recently discussed Steven Spielberg’s extensive legacy. At one point, Chris said, “Spielberg is to movies what the Beatles are to music. You can follow in his footsteps, but you cannot top him.”

Much depends on how you rate Spielberg among the greatest directors of all time … and how you view the new crop of up-and-coming directors.

Both Chris and I agree that Spielberg is the greatest film director of all time (I can almost hear a bowel-loosening moan from Jeffrey Wells at Hollywood Elsewhere over that one). While there have certainly been better individual directing jobs by other directors, no director has ever put together a body of work as diverse, riveting, adventurous, and passionate as the Bearded One.

Not Ridley Scott. Not Stanley Kubrick. Not Alfred Hitchcock. Not John Ford. Not even Michael Bay.

What are your favorite Spielberg films and moments?

I tend to break down Spielberg’s career into three “periods.” The first runs from 1974-1989, and of course includes some of the greatest hits in motion picture history: JAWS, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, and ET THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL. The second period runs from 1989-1999, and features more thematic diversity in films like JURASSIC PARK, SCHINDLER’S LIST, and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. His third period runs from 1999 to the present, and reveals a growing maturity and cynicism in films like MINORITY REPORT, A.I. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, and MUNICH.

I am personally much more of a fan of Spielberg’s early period with a few exceptions, primarily because I grew up during this time and learned to love films along with the images and thrills concocted by him.

I’m not sure what I consider his best overall film, but I think I consider E.T. The Extraterrestrial his best overall directing performance in his early years. In that, not only did he manage to sell another rubber puppet to massive audiences (JAWS was, of course, the first), but he also managed to coax perfect performances from three relatively inexperienced child actors. Sure, the movie is blatantly manipulative – ALL of Spielberg’s films can be labeled that way – but, unlike other films of this sort, the manipulation is in service of something deeply-felt and honest.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=pOvR2WudpV8[/youtube]

However, it’s hard not to give love to some of these amazing moments:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=9OnaZ8r3p8g[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=tUcOaGawIW0[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=pHiuPwGXYmc[/youtube]

In the second period of his career, I think SCHINDLER’S LIST is his best directing performance overall, although both JURASSIC PARK and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN have amazing sequences in them.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=12yfN4wrzQ8[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=XGO7EHOuTwE[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=_y1YL9C8Hfw[/youtube]

In the third period of his career, my favorite Spielberg film is MINORITY REPORT because it combines his gift for populist adventure with a newfound sense of dread and gloom.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=GCQpMT_iL9U[/youtube]

However, WAR OF THE WORLDS and MUNICH, though flawed, had bravura sequences in them:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=1flMeLiD-X0[/youtube]

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=nvTx6WcdpHE[/youtube]

Even A.I., which might be the worst Spielberg film since HOOK, had some magnificent moments in it until the last fifteen minutes:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=EJMrS-vO1fE[/youtube]

I think the evidence is overwhelming in support of Spielberg’s directorial dominance. So the question becomes: Can Spielberg’s career be topped?

Out of the current crop of wannabe inheritors of his throne, none yet show the power and breadth of Spielberg’s work.  Of them, I think M.Night Shyamalan has the visual instincts to match Spielberg, but his ego and his creative inflexibility have thus far stifled his ability. Directors like Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez have the creative energy, but neither the visual power nor the dramatic seriousness to equal Spielberg; they both seem to be too immersed in gimmicks. Guillermo Del Toro might eventually show himself to be a Spielberg, but most of his career has been based on junk thus far, capped by one true work of art in PAN’S LABYRINTH.

At this point in time, the only true heir to Spielberg are the Coen Brothers. They have amassed an impressive body of work over the years which combines the visual pizzaz of Spielberg’s best work with a deeply moralistic thoughtfulness.

What do you think? Can Spielberg EVER be topped? Do we have anyone who can challenge him? Ever?

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