Swift Gays

There’s a pretty cute video being passed around this week based on the year-old Taylor Swift hit You Belong With Me. In the original video, Swift dances around her house in longing over her best male friend, who doesn’t seem to love her back.

In this new version, it’s a male friend longing after his straight buddy next door. What really sells this video is the appealing aw, shucks attitude of the straight guy; the gay guy is a little annoying, however. And never in a million years would I believe that hot girl would leave the muscle jock in order to hit on some lardass standing alone by the fence.

The video, made by college kids for a project, is remarkably well shot and constructed. Check it out:

OK GO Keeps Music Videos Alive

There is almost no reason for a band to make a music video these days. MTV is dead, which is now some sort of reality show whore factory. The music industry itself has collapsed, with only Lady Gaga selling any albums anymore thanks to actually having some talent and vision. And really … who watches music videos anymore?

I would, if they were all like the brilliant new video from OK GO. You might remember the band from their awesome treadmill video from a few years ago. They’re back with a jaw-dropping video that recalls the wonderful Mouse Trap game, full of exotic, triggered contraptions. This might be the most creative video I’ve seen in a very long time. I sincerely hope it was done in one take without any computer graphics.

I just wish the music was better. They’re talented, but the songs aren’t particularly catchy, which is a major reason why the band hasn’t really gone anywhere despite some inventive and amazing visuals.

Check it out:

Crack Is Whack, Yo

I’ve ranted before about Whitney Houston’s unacceptable destruction of her wondrous voice. But this is just tragic.

Over the weekend Whitney “performed” in Brisbane, Australia. From all reports, Whitney only managed to cough out a few hits before surrendering the microphone to almost anyone capable of carrying a tune. This is not, of course, what her fans are paying $100 a ticket to see. They are also not paying to see a woman hack and wheeze her way through three songs while sipping on water, but that’s what those poor Australians got last weekend.

Whitney gasped her way through her greatest song, “I Will Always Love You,” pausing for several minutes while she sipped on a glass of water. Refreshed, Whitney attempted to hit the high notes of the finale, only to sound like a homeless whore getting throat-fucked by Marlon Wayans. She laughed about her miscue, probably because she didn’t pay half of a year’s salary to be there.

What Whitney has done to her incredible voice is simply unacceptable. Even less acceptable is the idea that she should tour the world and collect money for vocal performances that would embarass Britney Spears. Whitney seriously needs to go home, apply Vicks Vaporub, drink plenty of water, and do some yoga. Most of all, she needs to stop acting like her foolish life choices have not destroyed one of the greatest human gifts seen in over one hundred years.

Crack is whack, yo. Watch the video for confirmation:

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

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Ruining A Crappy Song For Haiti

The original We Are The World was a horrible and annoying song written by Michael Jackson (make the sign of the cross) and Lionel Ritchie way back in 1985. The song was a star-studded American affair that projected American pomposity while pretending to help starving Africans, but really only helped to say goodbye to a bunch of musical careers. Has anybody seen Steve Perry since then?

Now they’ve made a new version for Haiti. And it’s even worse than the original.

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Pink Grammy Perfection

I have no idea why so many people (mostly guys) dislike Pink. At first, she came off like just another pop princess with a husky, throaty voice. But in the last few years, Pink has defined herself as one of the premiere singer songwriters of her generation.

But thanks to last night’s perfect and gorgeous performance at the Grammys, I think it’s safe to say that Pink is now one of the most amazing performers ever.

The song she sang, Glitter In The Air, is a beautiful love song all by itself. Pink took to the stage wearing almost nothing, and then left the stage suspended only in a delicate strip of cloth for an amazing display of aerial acrobatics that left me stunned. She has always been very athletic, but I’m shocked that anyone allowed her to even try this on live television. And it worked to perfection, just like everything this remarkable woman attempts. Awesome.

The Grammys Say Goodbye To Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dominated the Grammy awards so thoroughly over the years that it’s difficult to imagine them without his huge shadow hovering overhead. There have been many tributes to the late singer since his untimely death from a drug overdose last summer, but this year’s Grammy tribute is among the best.

Using the 3D spectacle Jackson was preparing for his aborted tour, the Grammy’s paid tribute to the late singer by having Celine Dion, Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sing along with Jackson on the track Earth Song. The song is one of the best recorded by Jackson in the last half of his career, and features some of the most focused and intense vocals he ever performed.

All of the additional singers featured did well, although I’d question the inclusion of some of them. I mean, Jennifer Hudson? Carrie Underwood? In what parallel dimension did these singers have any kind of relationship with Jackson? Dion did have a friendship with Jackson, as did Robinson. Usher was always compared to a young Jackson, so it is somewhat fitting. I just thought the singers chosen felt a bit random. I might have liked to have seen people like Lionel Ritchie in a performance like this, where sentimentality means everything.

Afterwards, Prince and Paris Jackson stepped out onstage to a loud standing ovation. The world loves these kids as their own, and it’s nice to see them accepting this position as de facto royalty. Prince seemed fairly composed under the circumstances, while Paris still seems a little unsure of herself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both kids in this situation.

Here is the entire video:
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Gaga Does Rocket Man

The Grammys are always a mess, usually getting it wrong and boring the fuck out of viewers everywhere. But the wise inclusion of Lady Gaga – the most important musical artist in several years – helped amp up the excitement just a little.

Not only did Gaga deservedly win a couple of awards, but she also put on a wild stage show with Elton John that stopped the show. Elton hasn’t been relevant in twenty five years, but tonight, he was the king. Check out the amazement:

Flawsome

A music video popped up on YouTube yesterday from aspiring singer Caitlin Crosby, who is finishing up work on her debut album FLAWZ. The title track is an uplifting and very impressive song about embracing the flaws we all have that make us unique. Not only does the track have a really potent message, but Crosby delivers it with vocal conviction. This thing feels like a hit to me.

Check out the music video:

Pants On The Ground

The new of American Idol premiered this week. As always, the first few weeks of the show consists of the tryout. That basically means we get the see a couple really good singers thrown into an hour of no talent Jackasses that can’t understand that they can’t sing.

In the second tryout episode we may have already gotten the most memorable moment of the season. Gen. Larry Platt was given a tryout despite the fact that he has no shot at winning based on the shows age requirements. Platt, a former Civil Rights activist, made the best of his oppertunity. Not only may he have created the novelty hit of the year, but he’s sure to become the newest incarnate of William Hung. The only difference is Platt has more talent, creativity and personality in his little toe that Hung ever showed.

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
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You’re A Smart One, Mr. Zonday

Tay Zonday had his 15 minutes of fame a couple years ago with the youtube phenomenon Chocolate Rain.  He then was smart enough to capitalize on that brief success a year later when Dr. Pepper introduced the new flavor Cherry Chocolate Pepper and he became the soda’s spokesperson.  Now another year later, Tay is making his online presence know again.  He has recorded himself singing the Christmas classic “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

I have to give Tay a lot of credit is keeps finding ways to make himself popular online, without getting attested or being a jackass.  I also think he would be a great voice for Hollywood.  He would be perfect for doing movie trailers and voice overs.

Worst Christmas Song Of All Time?

There are some Christmas songs that are among the greatest melodies ever created. Think about Holly Jolly Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Jingle Bell Rock, or Winter Wonderland … they are insanely catchy, easily hummable, and memorably written.

But then there is also a lot of crap.

Chris and I were debating again today about the worst Christmas song of all time. And we have some doozies on our list. Here are a couple of choices:

Christmastime by The Smashing Pumpkins – There’s nothing that says Christmas like Billy Corgan’s suffocated rasp. He sounds like one of the ghosts of Christmas being strangled by Ebenezer Scrooge.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney – Apparently written by McCartney on the world’s very first keyboard when played by his ASS and composed by Linda McCartney while on dope.

Christmas Shoes by Newsong – The reason why Christmas is the season of suicide.

Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas) by John Denver – But we need to get drunk to endure songs like this.

These are all pretty bad, of course. But for me, the worst Christmas song of all time is a little ditty called Christmas Gift. It was written and performed by a technical writer named Mike Morucci. I found his personal blog, on which he published this explanation of his atrocious, worst-ever Christmas song:

When I was 22 years old, I wrote a Christmas song for my family on Christmas Eve while they were at church; I had chosen to remain at home. I don’t normally consider myself very spiritual, but I have always felt something greater than me had to help/inspire during this particular event. As soon as they left, I sat at the piano (I’m a guitar player) and composed an entire song complete with lyrics, then recorded it on a cassette. All in less than 90 minutes. I have two dozen half-finished songs I started over 20 years ago – that’s just not how my creative process works.

In 1999, I re-recorded the song in a studio. It’s not a complicated piece. It doesn’t have all of the instrumentation I would like (it’s only me and an electronic keyboard) or a bridge. And after hearing it repeatedly over the years, I now cringe because I know where all the flat spots are.

But I’m really proud of completing this song, and love sharing it. My family enjoyed it, it got my message across, and my best friend Victor (who hates Christmas music) loved it. I’ve even made $35 in royalties so far from Trusonic, a company who added it to their unsigned artists Christmas rotation (used in store PA systems and music-on-hold phone systems).

If you go to his blog, you can actually hear this awful fucking ditty.

I wrote to Mr. Morucci and told him how much I hated the sub-Timmy T keyboards, the 6th grade lyrics, and his tone-deaf singing. He replied with an answer so nice and unassuming that I almost felt bad for writing to him.

So I listened to the song again to reassure myself that I did the right thing. Fuck you Mike Morucci and your horrible song!!

Flight of the Conchords Crashes

One of the most brilliant shows to ever grace television, The Flight of the Conchords, has been cancelled after only two tiny little seasons. We first covered it way back in August of 2007, just after it premiered, which you can revisit here.

The show was probably too eclectic for most people, actually. In a faintly meta concept, the show revolved around two New Zealand singers named Bret Mackenzie and Jermaine Clement who perform under the name Flgiht of the Conchords – which is exactly the truth. Every week followed the boys as they struggled with girl problems and career problems, which then segued into amazing song/fantasy numbers.

Just watch this in amazement:

These guys are comedic geniuses who will be sorely missed. I’m not holding my breath for the rumored Conchords movie, either.

Music MVP 2009: Lady Gaga

For the last several years, the music industry has been on a sharp decline in every aspect. Sales are way down thanks to internet piracy. The music produced by established artists has been rote, by-the-numbers albums (we’re looking at you, Madonna). And new artists haven’t had a chance.

But 2009 seemed to shuffle the deck, indicating that we might be on the cusp of another music revival similar to what happened in 1991 with Nirvana. And while there have been some major players in this music revival – the amazing years enjoyed by Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and Kings of Leon must be mentioned – nobody was bigger or more influential than Lady Gaga.

As the year opened, Lady Gaga was riding the surprise success of “Just Dance” and the rise of “Pokerface,” both from her monstrous album The Fame. “Pokerface” continued to dominate throughout the early part of the year as Gaga fever ignited, propelling her next singles, “Paparazzi” and “Bad Romance”, into the stratosphere. By the year’s end, there was no doubt about who owned this year in music.

What impresses me even more than the songs, which are well written despite their dance-club aspirations, is the fact that Gaga has such a tremendous voice, insists on singing live, and can capably play piano as well. Gaga is not some white, weird Janet Jackson knock-off, nor is she Madonna-Lite. She is a fully-rounded performer who has pure talent and a raging, inquisitive intelligence. She is not to be underestimated.

 

This decade has been absolutely trashed by horrible rock music, gimmicky rap, and fifteen minute stars. It’s been a long time waiting for a performer that can actually demonstrate talent and vision; this year we were blessed with a few that showed promise … but Gaga, in the end, wins the battle for supremacy.

Whitney Houston Destroys Perfection

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that Whitney Houston’s miraculous voice is one of the greatest human instruments ever captured on record. Sure, Aretha Franklin had one of the most forceful voices ever, Patsy Cline had one of the tenderest, and Janis Joplin one of the most soulful, but Whitney’s soaring voice had all of these qualities and more combined into one incredibly pure sound. Plus, she’s much easier on the eyes than any of those ugly-ass bitches.

And crack has destroyed it all.

Whitney made a guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few nights ago, and she rolled I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) out onto the stage and butchered it for a live audience like a sacrificial lamb. Check it out:

Of course, the crack that Bobby Brown fed her for breakfast for ten years has destroyed her lungs to such a horrifying degree that she is no longer capable of even singing an entire line without panting like a thirteen year old boy in the girl’s locker room. Unfortunately, Whitney has nobody to blame but herself. She was given one of life’s supremely beautiful gifts, and she castrated it and made it a sad effigy.

It stands as a lesson to us all: don’t waste what talents you have.

Adam Lambert Sucks It

The music world is buzzing today after last night’s American Music Awards telecast. Of course, they’re not talking about the awards given out, which were ridiculous (Michael Jackson? Please …). Nor were they talking about the great performances, mainly because there weren’t any.

No, they’re all in a tizzy because Adam Lambert, the drag queen runner-up from last year’s American Idol, debuted a horrid new song from his upcoming album. In the process, he simulated getting head from some dude, and then kissing another dude. For artistic shock reasons, no doubt.

Adam’s panties are all bunched up today as he defends his lewd choices in his performance. Frankly, he should be more concerned about the terrible song he was singing, or the fact that he sounded like a heavily-medicated Axl Rose on fire. It was an awful, silly performance of a rancid song, and it should effectively kill his career before it starts.

 

Thank God. Sometimes fate does everyone a solid.

Steven Tyler Quits Aerosmith. Nobody Cares.

The screeching she-male once known as Steven Tyler has apparently quit his longtime band Aerosmith. Guitarist Joe Perry has told everyone that Tyler has quit after months of ignoring the phone calls from the various members of the band. In an apparent nod to finality, Joe Perry moved all of his equipment out of the band’s studio today.

I’m not really sure if any of this matters. The band hasn’t been relevent for 15 years or more. Tyler and Perry look a decade older than they really are, and they sound like shit. And with the band broken apart, we are assured of never having to hear them ever play Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing again.

But it is kinda sad to see the members of this band treating each other so disrespectfully, especially at this age. These guys have been through absolutely everything together, and their bond should be closer than brothers. What a shame that Tyler could not treat these guys with any more dignity and decency. Without the other members of the band to help him, Tyler might have ended up as a third-rate drag queen in some strip joint in lower New Jersey, rather than an extremely rich rock star.

My guess: Tyler’s back on the junk. Welcome home, Mr. Brownstone!!

Note to Steven Tyler: GROW UP!

Christopher Walken Shows His Pokerface

Christopher Walken can be a terrifying presence onscreen, but he is also one of the funniest actors on the planet. His deadpan delivery, his halting speech pattern, his glassy, shark-like eyes … they all combine to milk laughs from even the thinnest material.

Here he is on live television doing a reading of Lady Gaga’s smash hit POKERFACE. Brilliant:

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