Corey Haim: A Really Lost Boy

I doubt if anyone who saw Corey Haim on the disastrous-but-addictive reality show The Two Coreys is surprised to learn this morning that the former Lucas was found dead of a drug overdose. He spent much of two seasons on the show slurring, throwing tantrums, and crying uncontrollably. The guy was obviously on the edge from something. Now we can confirm it was drugs.

And what a waste. Haim was absolutely adorable in the role of Lucas, a nerd who falls in love with a girl out of his league. Haim had the looks and talent to completely dominate films for years. Unfortunately, Haim found drugs at an early age. Haim was even doing drugs during the shoot for The Lost Boys, his biggest role, and he was what … sixteen years old? Drugs completely evaporated that talent, and left the kid a conceited, hollowed shell that Hollywood quickly discarded. Here he is at this time, denying the drugs that he was obviously on while making this horrible promotional video:

He mostly disappeared for several years before turning up on E! in 2001 completely wasted:

He still had the looks at this point, but his brain was pickled and useless. But as time went on, he physically began to deteriorate. He apparently spent several years slinking around in the underbelly of Hollywood, scoring drugs instead of acting roles.

Then he turned up on that damned Two Coreys show, which was compulsively watchable. Haim’s decline was the primary reason for this, much like craning your neck to see a car wreck. I admired Corey Feldman for standing beside Haim until it was no longer possible; I would’ve told the guy off a long time ago. Ultimately, though, Haim’s drug use and radical mood shifts became too much for the married and stable Feldman, and I don’t blame him one bit for leaving Haim. I can only imagine what Feldman is feeling today. Hopefully he doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt much like his Michael Jackson bullshit from last year.

Anyway, Corey Haim is dead, and nobody’s surprised. But for the generation that saw this cute little kid with the big eyes and bright smile, there is a twinge of sadness that Hollywood killed another child actor. Taylor Lautner, you’re next!!

Unpretty (Wo)Man

It’s undeniable; the world is a sick place. I don’t know if it’s being caused by too much fluoride in the water, chemtrails, tainted vaccinations, or the JFK conspiracy, but people are just becoming almost disturbingly weird.

Take, for example, this guy pictured at the top of this article. He goes by the name (Wo)Man. He’s a morbidly obese dude who likes to ride around on a banana-seated bicycle wearing some form of women’s clothing. It usually ends up exposing his dick at some point, which definitely crashes the careful and beautiful illusion he’s creating.

My questions are simple ones: why on Earth has this guy not been arrested for indecent exposure? Why hasn’t he gotten the shit kicked out of him from some father whose son was emotionally raped at the sight of him? Why isn’t this guy being held in the darkest, dankest corner of a mental institution???

Anyway, here’s a video of this freakazoid riding around town on his bike, the wind gently lifting his skirt to expose his dimpled ass. Classy!

Crack Is Whack, Yo

I’ve ranted before about Whitney Houston’s unacceptable destruction of her wondrous voice. But this is just tragic.

Over the weekend Whitney “performed” in Brisbane, Australia. From all reports, Whitney only managed to cough out a few hits before surrendering the microphone to almost anyone capable of carrying a tune. This is not, of course, what her fans are paying $100 a ticket to see. They are also not paying to see a woman hack and wheeze her way through three songs while sipping on water, but that’s what those poor Australians got last weekend.

Whitney gasped her way through her greatest song, “I Will Always Love You,” pausing for several minutes while she sipped on a glass of water. Refreshed, Whitney attempted to hit the high notes of the finale, only to sound like a homeless whore getting throat-fucked by Marlon Wayans. She laughed about her miscue, probably because she didn’t pay half of a year’s salary to be there.

What Whitney has done to her incredible voice is simply unacceptable. Even less acceptable is the idea that she should tour the world and collect money for vocal performances that would embarass Britney Spears. Whitney seriously needs to go home, apply Vicks Vaporub, drink plenty of water, and do some yoga. Most of all, she needs to stop acting like her foolish life choices have not destroyed one of the greatest human gifts seen in over one hundred years.

Crack is whack, yo. Watch the video for confirmation:

Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

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Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Ice Ice Jedward

Irish twin brothers, John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes have released there debut single. The brothers better known as Jedward first appeared as contestants on the 6th season of the British reality show X-Factor.

The 18 year old brothers debut single “Under Pressure” is a dance/pop/rap remake of both the David Bowie/Queen hit and also includes verses of the Vanilla Ice hit “Ice Ice Baby”. The song is actually very catchy, however the brother come across more as old gay lovers than brothers when watching them perform.

Carrot Top Is A Freak

What horrible childhood trauma occurred in the young life of Carrot Top to make him morph into a ginger-haired version of Michael Jackson?

The guy managed to achieve some level of fame in the late eighties/early nineties with an act full of groan-inducing sight gags. Once he made some cash, he decided to spend it on a series of face lifts and steroid injections that have turned him into the planet’s freakiest-looking dude. At this point, he probably terrifies his own mother.

TMZ caught up with Carrot Top on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Who knows why. But it does give us another opportunity to stare at a train wreck. By the way, there is no carpet – PUKE!

Who Wants This Band At The Super Bowl??

Imagine you’re the producer of the Super Bowl. You have the largest television audience at your disposal. You need a musical act of some kind to put center stage to entertain 2 billion people, including many youths. Who would you choose?

Certainly not The Who, a band that has been pointless since the mid-sixties. Their sole contribution to music is guitarist Pete Townsend’s swinging arm move. In fact, Townsend’s child pornography citation is the only thing the band has produced in thirty fucking years.

But there they will be, on the biggest stage in the world, playing a couple of songs that nobody under the age of 45 will remember. I’m sure they’re hoping for a boost in sales of their fifteenth greatest hits package – in stores now!!

The programming director for the Super Bowl, Charles Coplin, crowed about his choice of musical act in this article. Based on the acts employed recently for the halftime show, he went on to call the Super Bowl the “Ed Sullivan show of its time.” No, Charlie, it’s not. Sullivan actually went out on a limb night after night looking for new acts that appealed to the kids. He didn’t waste valuable broadcast time carting out obsolete old men and their two hits.

Here’s a radical idea: invite Jay-Z to perform at the Super Bowl. Hell, I’d take Lady Gaga over this shit. Fuck The Who.

Another Perez Hilton Bellyflop

Perez Hilton tends to be somewhat like heroin; it’s bad for you, damaging to your brain, but irresistible. Gotta hand it to the guy … he has managed to make tons of money despite having very little talent.

In the last year, Hilton has tried various ways to expand his online gossip empire. He introduced a clothing line at Hot Topic, which ended up being a monumental disaster. Then he created a concert tour, which played to half-empty small venues that would make Anvil weep. Hilton then released a widely-ignored book, which everyone quickly discerned was simply a rehashing of stories from his website.

But Hilton’s latest venture feels like his most embarrassing enterprise yet. Hilton has teamed with rotoscoper Milkfat to create a webseries called Assisted Living. The show feels desperate, flailing limply to generate controversy. Mostly, it induces yawns.

Here’s the latest episode:

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Eye Tattoos For Dumbshits

People in prison are generally not the most intelligent members of society. Their lifestyles should not be emulated by people wishing to remain on the outside.

So I find it a little odd that these idiots were featured on a news program sporting the latest in stupid tattooing: eye tattoos. Apparently, having nothing better to do, they took a hypodermic needle and injected colored dyes into their eyeballs in order to change the color of the white area.

This is not cool, nor is it wise to demonstrate this trend in prison fashion to impressionable young people who will inevitably blind themselves in the process. Check out the stupidity:

Howard Stern Is A Gutless Piece Of Fuck

Howard Stern has made a comfortable living – totalling, by all accounts, into the hundreds of millions of dollars – making fun of people on the air. No shred of gossip has ever fallen from the trash can that Stern hasn’t picked up and immediately blabbed about on his radio show. He has discussed the intimate details of everyone, and poked fun at some of the most personal indiscretions revealed in public.

Of course, it’s a little different when it’s one of your own friends having problems.

Stern stammered and pussied out when talking about Saturday’s suicide attempt by Artie Lange, Stern’s longtime co-host/professional drug addict/friend. Not only did Stern shy away from discussing it, but he also criticized everyone else who is discussing this “personal family matter.” Listen to this bullshit:

Fuck you, Stern. Grow a pair of balls and treat your fat fucking douchebag buddy the same as you treat everyone else – like shit.

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
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Beached On Jersey Shore

As the inexplicably hot hit series The Hills cools down, MTV has found itself in the difficult position of replacing it with something new that will build buzz for the increasingly-irrelevant station.

So they came up with the idea of gathering together a collection of the dumbest human beings still able to walk and breathe at the same time … and then base a “reality show” around them. The catch this time: they’re all Italian. Wow.

The show, called Jersey Shore, premiered last week to some of the most scathing reviews ever. Yet every nasty word said about this atrocity is perfectly deserved.

The show follows six vapid, self-absorbed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fake tan, pluck their copious eyebrows, and flex in front of the mirror. I suppose the appeal of the show is supposed to be our admiration for their looks and bodies, which are nice, of course. But then they open their mouths, and you quickly realize that these are probably the most worthless creatures ever produced by the haphazard natural selection of human sexuality. I’ve left ejaculate in tube socks that had more emotional depth and concern for others. If I happened to be related to any of them, I would kill them with a blunt instrument in front of MTV’s cameras as a gift to popular culture and the preservation of the human race.

Here is a clip that assembles the MTV promos for each non-entity:

That’s Creepy, Brother!!!

Hulk Hogan was one of the biggest icons of the 80’s.  He made wrestling cool and mainstream.  He was not only the most popular wrestler in the world, but he was a actor, had a cartoon and his image was put on anything that you could sell.

Now however, Hulk Hogan is a joke.  After turning his family into reality show whores his marriage fell Part.  His wife left him for a 19 year old, his son when to prison and his daughter is one step from posing in Playboy or making a sex tape to get her singing career off the ground.   Now, Hulk is in the news again.  First he wrote a book about is downfall and now he’s engaged.  That would be great except for the fact that is fiance looks like an older version of his daughter.  That’s just creepy, BROTHER!!!!

Here’s is fiance.

Here’s his daughter.

Black Idiot Friday

Local television ads can be so much fun sometimes. Around my area, we have Becky the fat carpet woman flying around on a magic carpet.

However, I’m somewhat relieved that we don’t have this guy shilling for flea markets here. This might be the worst jingle of all time, and his performance of it makes me look like Dr. Dre. Check it out:

So that’s what happened to Cameo.

Whitney Houston Destroys Perfection

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that Whitney Houston’s miraculous voice is one of the greatest human instruments ever captured on record. Sure, Aretha Franklin had one of the most forceful voices ever, Patsy Cline had one of the tenderest, and Janis Joplin one of the most soulful, but Whitney’s soaring voice had all of these qualities and more combined into one incredibly pure sound. Plus, she’s much easier on the eyes than any of those ugly-ass bitches.

And crack has destroyed it all.

Whitney made a guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few nights ago, and she rolled I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) out onto the stage and butchered it for a live audience like a sacrificial lamb. Check it out:

Of course, the crack that Bobby Brown fed her for breakfast for ten years has destroyed her lungs to such a horrifying degree that she is no longer capable of even singing an entire line without panting like a thirteen year old boy in the girl’s locker room. Unfortunately, Whitney has nobody to blame but herself. She was given one of life’s supremely beautiful gifts, and she castrated it and made it a sad effigy.

It stands as a lesson to us all: don’t waste what talents you have.

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