Child Stars On The Rampage!

What happens to child stars on set that causes them to turn into raving, psychopathic adults? The list of child star fuck-ups is long and varied, so there must be something going on. Any business that can corrupt Dana Plato must not have a soul.

We have had two more incidents this weekend to add to the sad child star resume: Brian Bonsall, the adorable moppet from Family Ties, was arrested over the weekend for marijuana, thereby violating his probabtion from earlier drug and violence charges.

Just for comparison, let’s remember Brian the way he once was:

Look at that cherubic little face. He almost seems to be saying: “Now, you be good and don’t do bad stuff, okay?” If only he would listen to his inner child for one.

Did Bonsall really have that much difficulty finding roles as he aged? I mean, if you take away the tattoos and lip piercings (ewwww), the guy is pretty damned good looking. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t find roles in something, even if it was MILF: It Does A Body Good 3. I mean, it’s work … surely he could have done something.

I guess the moral of the story is STAY OFF DRUGS!

Meanwhile, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on Growing Pains, has turned up missing. He’s been missing for a week, and the Vancouver police have started a manhunt to discover his whereabouts. Not to sound ignorant, but the guy is probably dead if he’s been missing for a week. When was the last time you heard of someone missing for a week turn up alive??

The next time you want to take your children to see Justin Bieber in concert, just remember that he will be strung out on crack in five years, and arrested for knocking over a convenience store in ten. Then he will look something like this:

Fight The Power!

Most people hate WalMart for all the wrong reasons. Some complain about the low wages for their employees, while others complain about the destruction of small business. Of course, people are actually just jealous that WalMart does such a good job at exploiting the benefits of capitalism.

And, in the case of this guy, he’s had more than enough of WalMart’s cheap prices, messy aisles, and smelly customers. So he took a baseball bat from sporting goods and began publicly demonstrating his rage in the electronics section. Check out the carnage:

Awesome!

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Who Wants This Band At The Super Bowl??

Imagine you’re the producer of the Super Bowl. You have the largest television audience at your disposal. You need a musical act of some kind to put center stage to entertain 2 billion people, including many youths. Who would you choose?

Certainly not The Who, a band that has been pointless since the mid-sixties. Their sole contribution to music is guitarist Pete Townsend’s swinging arm move. In fact, Townsend’s child pornography citation is the only thing the band has produced in thirty fucking years.

But there they will be, on the biggest stage in the world, playing a couple of songs that nobody under the age of 45 will remember. I’m sure they’re hoping for a boost in sales of their fifteenth greatest hits package – in stores now!!

The programming director for the Super Bowl, Charles Coplin, crowed about his choice of musical act in this article. Based on the acts employed recently for the halftime show, he went on to call the Super Bowl the “Ed Sullivan show of its time.” No, Charlie, it’s not. Sullivan actually went out on a limb night after night looking for new acts that appealed to the kids. He didn’t waste valuable broadcast time carting out obsolete old men and their two hits.

Here’s a radical idea: invite Jay-Z to perform at the Super Bowl. Hell, I’d take Lady Gaga over this shit. Fuck The Who.

Pink Grammy Perfection

I have no idea why so many people (mostly guys) dislike Pink. At first, she came off like just another pop princess with a husky, throaty voice. But in the last few years, Pink has defined herself as one of the premiere singer songwriters of her generation.

But thanks to last night’s perfect and gorgeous performance at the Grammys, I think it’s safe to say that Pink is now one of the most amazing performers ever.

The song she sang, Glitter In The Air, is a beautiful love song all by itself. Pink took to the stage wearing almost nothing, and then left the stage suspended only in a delicate strip of cloth for an amazing display of aerial acrobatics that left me stunned. She has always been very athletic, but I’m shocked that anyone allowed her to even try this on live television. And it worked to perfection, just like everything this remarkable woman attempts. Awesome.

The Grammys Say Goodbye To Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dominated the Grammy awards so thoroughly over the years that it’s difficult to imagine them without his huge shadow hovering overhead. There have been many tributes to the late singer since his untimely death from a drug overdose last summer, but this year’s Grammy tribute is among the best.

Using the 3D spectacle Jackson was preparing for his aborted tour, the Grammy’s paid tribute to the late singer by having Celine Dion, Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Jennifer Hudson sing along with Jackson on the track Earth Song. The song is one of the best recorded by Jackson in the last half of his career, and features some of the most focused and intense vocals he ever performed.

All of the additional singers featured did well, although I’d question the inclusion of some of them. I mean, Jennifer Hudson? Carrie Underwood? In what parallel dimension did these singers have any kind of relationship with Jackson? Dion did have a friendship with Jackson, as did Robinson. Usher was always compared to a young Jackson, so it is somewhat fitting. I just thought the singers chosen felt a bit random. I might have liked to have seen people like Lionel Ritchie in a performance like this, where sentimentality means everything.

Afterwards, Prince and Paris Jackson stepped out onstage to a loud standing ovation. The world loves these kids as their own, and it’s nice to see them accepting this position as de facto royalty. Prince seemed fairly composed under the circumstances, while Paris still seems a little unsure of herself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for both kids in this situation.

Here is the entire video:
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Gaga Does Rocket Man

The Grammys are always a mess, usually getting it wrong and boring the fuck out of viewers everywhere. But the wise inclusion of Lady Gaga – the most important musical artist in several years – helped amp up the excitement just a little.

Not only did Gaga deservedly win a couple of awards, but she also put on a wild stage show with Elton John that stopped the show. Elton hasn’t been relevant in twenty five years, but tonight, he was the king. Check out the amazement:

Super Bowl Fags

CBS charges 2.3 million dollars per 30 second spot during the Super Bowl, so you’d think they would be eager to accept any ad from a company willing to fork over that much loot.

They are, as long as that company is straight.

Gay dating site ManCrunch attempted to buy a 30 second spot during the football game, but their application was denied. CBS executives claimed that they already had all of their spots booked, but it later came out that an anti-abortion group managed to get an ad on the channel. It’s a pretty obvious case of discrimination.

Of course, I’m not sure if there is a more male-oriented day during the year, and most of those guys really don’t want to see two dudes making out. It would make things uncomfortable around your buddies with all of those phallic-looking beer bottles everywhere.

Here’s the ad in question:

Aren’t you kinda glad your sons won’t be able to see that next weekend??

The Next President?

It’s fairly clear that Barack Obama will not be re-elected in 2012. The white people that begrudgingly voted for him in 2008 have been bitterly disappointed by his limp dealings with serious issues, and his indiscriminate use of America’s money.

Meanwhile, the Republican party is not resting on its laurels. Following Obama’s whiny State of the Union address last night, the Republicans responded with their new star, the governor of Virginia Bob McDonnell. His speech was articulate, thoughtful, and quietly damning of Obama’s lack of action. They even sneakily placed minorities in the background (notice the Chinese guy, the black woman, the army officer, and the white woman behind McDonnell), making the party look more diverse than it really is.

This guy feels like he is going to make a serious run at the Presidency. Mark my words, folks.

NBC: No-Brained Cowards

The Jay Leno / Conan O’Brien nonsense has shifted into a phase of ridiculousness usually reserved for bullshit like the entire George Bush regime.

First, NBC decided that they wanted to remove Jay Leno from The Tonight Show – fine, the guy sucks. Then, they decided they wanted to replace him with Conan O’Brien, whose offbeat sense of humor was something of a gamble for the type of audience typically associated with the show. Then, to appease Leno, NBC decided to give him an earlier time slot to do basically the same show.

Unfortunately, Leno is about as funny as an audio recording of an abortion. And the sixty year olds watching O’Brien didn’t care too much for the youngster’s sense of humor. So, with NBC bleeding money, the network has decided to give Conan the boot and give Leno his old job back. This would cost the network millions of dollars for reneging on the two contracts.

Meanwhile, every day that this situation remains unresolved, network affiliates lose millions of dollars in advertising money thanks to the removal of CSI to make room for Leno. What a fiasco. A recent L.A. Times article said that this nonsense has probably cost NBC $200 million dollars. Several former somebody’s are going to lose their high-rolling jobs for sure when this is finished.

The late night titans involved are having a lot of fun with this, and why not … they stand to make a ton of money off of this fiasco. Here is Conan riffing on the debacle:

Seeing Isn’t Necessarily Believing

Sure, CGI is everywhere in films today, but what about television shows? How much of what you see in those hospital dramas and comedies is actually real?

This video shows how many of television’s biggest hits use CGI constantly to enhance or change the background. It’s pretty fascinating to watch:

Beached On Jersey Shore

As the inexplicably hot hit series The Hills cools down, MTV has found itself in the difficult position of replacing it with something new that will build buzz for the increasingly-irrelevant station.

So they came up with the idea of gathering together a collection of the dumbest human beings still able to walk and breathe at the same time … and then base a “reality show” around them. The catch this time: they’re all Italian. Wow.

The show, called Jersey Shore, premiered last week to some of the most scathing reviews ever. Yet every nasty word said about this atrocity is perfectly deserved.

The show follows six vapid, self-absorbed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fake tan, pluck their copious eyebrows, and flex in front of the mirror. I suppose the appeal of the show is supposed to be our admiration for their looks and bodies, which are nice, of course. But then they open their mouths, and you quickly realize that these are probably the most worthless creatures ever produced by the haphazard natural selection of human sexuality. I’ve left ejaculate in tube socks that had more emotional depth and concern for others. If I happened to be related to any of them, I would kill them with a blunt instrument in front of MTV’s cameras as a gift to popular culture and the preservation of the human race.

Here is a clip that assembles the MTV promos for each non-entity:

Flight of the Conchords Crashes

One of the most brilliant shows to ever grace television, The Flight of the Conchords, has been cancelled after only two tiny little seasons. We first covered it way back in August of 2007, just after it premiered, which you can revisit here.

The show was probably too eclectic for most people, actually. In a faintly meta concept, the show revolved around two New Zealand singers named Bret Mackenzie and Jermaine Clement who perform under the name Flgiht of the Conchords – which is exactly the truth. Every week followed the boys as they struggled with girl problems and career problems, which then segued into amazing song/fantasy numbers.

Just watch this in amazement:

These guys are comedic geniuses who will be sorely missed. I’m not holding my breath for the rumored Conchords movie, either.

Elyse Keaton, What Ya Eatin’?

It appears that Meridith Baxter, the actress who played Elyse Keaton on the long-running sitcom Family Ties, is a lesbian. Both National Enquirer and Perez Hilton are reporting that the former Mrs. Birney went on a lesbian cruise with a female friend and noted Hollywood lesbian Kelly McGillis.

I wonder what the conservative Alex would say about Mommy’s carpet-munching? He’d probably have plenty to say, actually, but nobody could understand it due to the shakes.

Black Idiot Friday

Local television ads can be so much fun sometimes. Around my area, we have Becky the fat carpet woman flying around on a magic carpet.

However, I’m somewhat relieved that we don’t have this guy shilling for flea markets here. This might be the worst jingle of all time, and his performance of it makes me look like Dr. Dre. Check it out:

So that’s what happened to Cameo.

Whitney Houston Destroys Perfection

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that Whitney Houston’s miraculous voice is one of the greatest human instruments ever captured on record. Sure, Aretha Franklin had one of the most forceful voices ever, Patsy Cline had one of the tenderest, and Janis Joplin one of the most soulful, but Whitney’s soaring voice had all of these qualities and more combined into one incredibly pure sound. Plus, she’s much easier on the eyes than any of those ugly-ass bitches.

And crack has destroyed it all.

Whitney made a guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few nights ago, and she rolled I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) out onto the stage and butchered it for a live audience like a sacrificial lamb. Check it out:

Of course, the crack that Bobby Brown fed her for breakfast for ten years has destroyed her lungs to such a horrifying degree that she is no longer capable of even singing an entire line without panting like a thirteen year old boy in the girl’s locker room. Unfortunately, Whitney has nobody to blame but herself. She was given one of life’s supremely beautiful gifts, and she castrated it and made it a sad effigy.

It stands as a lesson to us all: don’t waste what talents you have.

Humor Instead Of Hope

Barack Obama is quickly becoming the black Jimmy Carter, a condescending lecturer with very few actual plans and even smaller balls with which to accomplish them. The American people are beginning to sense this, as Obama’s numbers continue to slide down the slippery slope into irrelevance.

And when that happens, you can count on good ol’ American sarcasm to lead the way. This past weekend on Saturday Night Live, Obama gets a nasty caricature in one of the best opening segments in the show’s recent history. Check it out:

Maybe Obama can plot another 9/11 in order to boost his popularity.

Oprah Quits

So Oprah Winfrey has decided to quit her television show in September of 2011, which will be a rounded 25 years on the air. It’s been a wildly successful run, and Winfrey will probably be hailed aas a milestone in the industry. When she started, she was a dumpy black woman in a white-dominated world, but she succeeded due to talent and brains.

Personally, I’m glad she’s calling it quits. She’s become far too sappy in recent years, and her new-age nonsense was beginning to grate on my nerves. Her book-of-the-month club selections have also suffered from this annoying new-age vibe, with only her choice of The Road standing as the only good selection in years. But mainly I just think it’s time for Winfrey to move her fat ass over and let something new take her place. The talk show industry has been constrained by the rules Winfrey imposed with her success, and I’d like to see that shaken up a bit.

So now Oprah can go home and get fatter and count her billions of dollars while pretending not to be Gayle’s pussy-licking girlfriend.

Ken Ober Leaves The Basement

I was fairly shocked to learn that Ken Ober died two days ago. The guy was only 52 years old, and he didn’t seem like he was deathly ill or anything. In fact, he had been working up until recently.

If the name doesn’t ring a bell, you must be over fifty or under twenty years old. From 1987-1992 Ober hosted the MTV game show Remote Control. It was one of the first serious changes in MTV’s business strategy, as they began to move away from strictly showing music videos (dumb). The show was goofy fun, built on the premise that Ober lived in his mother’s basement and secretly held a game show down there. The contestants were buckled into lounge chairs and asked a series of pop culture questions. Losing contestants were removed out of the basement still strapped to their chairs.

The show made Ober something of a celebrity, although he never became super-famous. Probably part of that was due to his laid-back, nonchalant attitude. Ober was very intelligent and quite funny, but he never seemed pompous or arrogant; he seemed like a guy who might make a pretty good friend.

The show launched the career of Adam Sandler – thanks a lot for THAT one, MTV! – and also helped make Colin Quinn temporarily famous. But it was Ober in the center of the fray that grounded the show and made it fun to watch.

Someone apparently thought to videotape an early episode in 1987, which you can now see via the glories of YouTube:

Sex With Dave

Last night on The Late Show, David Letterman revealed to a live audience that he has had sex with members of his staff. Earlier this month someone tried to blackmail Letterman for $2,000,000 in order to maybe keep the information quiet. Letterman made his announcement in typical sarcastic Letterman fashion.

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