Is This It?
Filed under: Kevin Smith Whorishness, Media Report, Movies, Music, Trailers, Tribute, WOW, Who Gives a Shit
Michael Jackson’s death in June has proven to be a goldmine for his family, agents, managers, casual associates, and enterprising entreprenuers. Like other dead celebrities, Jackson’s death has been the most lucrative career move he ever made.
Now get ready for Jackson’s next career move: box office giant.
The slimy owners of AEG, who sponsored Jackson’s aborted comeback tour, have been frantically editing Jackson’s rehearsal footage into a feature film/tribute/money grab called THIS IS IT. The stockholders of AEG claim this is an opportunity for Jackson fans to salute the fallen star; I suspect their motives are a little bit more selfish.
I must admit that this new trailer for the upcoming documentary makes me curious to see the film. Jackson looks much more aware than I previously thought, and the concert itself looks staggeringly epic and complex. Thoughts of “what might have been” hang over this movie like a dead man’s fart. There is no doubt that this will be a huge financial bonanza for everyone involved. Jackson fans will doubtlessly be pleased with it, and it will probably also satisfy the morbidly curious.
Why STAR TREK Fails
Filed under: Editorial, Media Report, Movie Discussion, Movies, Trailers, Who Gives a Shit
Science fiction geeks are whacking their tricorders tonight with the debut of the high def trailer for J.J. Abrams’ STAR TREK reboot. You can see that at Apple, or you can watch a lower resolution version right here:
As far as the trailer goes, it’s well cut and engaging. The special effects look flashy. The performances and dialogue, at this point, make me cringe a little bit. Overall, it looks like a very expensive car commercial that resembles that misguided LOST IN SPACE reboot from a few years back. Paramount has obviously put a lot of faith in Abrams to resurrect this aging franchise and inject it with something resembling life.
However, the problem with STAR TREK isn’t age, or even a lack of audience interest in science fiction. The problem rests with the premise itself.
Nearly Pixar
It really must piss off the animators at Dreamworks to constantly run behind the perceived greatness of Pixar studios. Of course, when you cough up three horrible SHREK films and shit like KUNG FU PANDA while Pixar makes WALL-E, it’s hard to expect respect from anybody other than your closest relatives.
Now Dreamworks is trying to fix that with their upcoming MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, a 3-D feature aimed squarely at those kids who have broken/misplaced their MONSTERS, INC. DVD. It looks cute, creative, and the animation looks glorious.
What do you think are some of the biggest differences between Pixar animation and the output of Dreamworks?
The Day The Earth Yawned
Filed under: Dumb Ideas, Good Grief, Media Report, Movies, Trailers, Who Gives a Shit, Worst of the Worst
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND showed awestruck humans facing the first contact by an alien race. INDEPENDENCE DAY gave us a full-scale alien invasion. So what does the new version of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL have to offer that we haven’t already seen?
From the looks of this new, extended trailer, not much.
Keanu looks like Neo on Prozac. Gort the robot looks like a lamer version of the new Cylon warriors from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. The entire movie looks like a series of open-mouthed shock shots from a Spielberg highlight reel.
Yawn.
First Look at Lost’s 5th Season
DarkUFO they have gotten a hold of the first trailer for the fifth season of Lost. While there is not a whole lot of new footage there is some. It is mostly a recap of the events of Season 4. One note: Does the editing and wording prove that Jin is in fact dead? Seems that way to me. Take a look.
Unforgiven 2: Gran Torino
Clint Eastwood is a cinematic legend, and he could probably rape puppies onscreen and win Oscars for it. But rather than sit back and coast into the sunset on his respected reputation, Eastwood continues to push himself artistically.
Well, until now. Like some sort of cross between UNFORGIVEN and FALLING DOWN, his newest film, GRAN TORINO, features Eastwood as a grizzled old man who must unwillingly protect his neighborhood from the local gang. It feels small. Weightless. It is certainly a well-travelled trail for the Eastwood persona, while still managing to seem inconsequential.
Here’s the brand new trailer:
The Red Banded Happening
Filed under: Good Grief, Media Report, Movies, Public Humiliation, Trailers, Worst of the Worst
The titanic ego of M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN has cursed his every move in recent years. The blossoming promise shown in his earliest films has disintegrated before the bewildered eyes of moviegoers everywhere. The trust is broken, replaced by a palpable resentment. It’s like admiring a charismatic uncle as a young person, only to go behind the shed one day to see him sodomizing a dead cat; the relationship never quite recovers.
It’s an understatement to say that Shyamalan has a lot riding on his newest pseudo-intellectual horror film THE HAPPENING. After the twin disasters THE VILLIAGE and LADY IN THE WATER, this new film needs to really click, or Shymalan will find himself trying to sell his patented twist-ending stories on streetcorners for nickels.
Unfortunately he decided to title this make-or-break endeavor THE HAPPENING, one of the worst titles I have ever heard or imagined. Depending on my mood, the title sounds either pretentious, boring, or pointless. What the fuck is a “happening” anyway???? This title means so very little that it threatens to evaporate right off of the one-sheet.
Then uber-genius Shyamalan releases a trailer that features the characters using the word “happening” over and over again. “Something is happening,” says a news reporter. “What is happening?” asks star MARK WAHLBERG. “Something has begun to happen,” is the reply he receives. It feels like a lame attempt to embed this blobular, meaningless word into our heads, but the net effect of this repetition is to reinforce how fucking insipid the title sounds. Nice job, dipshit.
Thanks to the absolutely poisonous advance word on the film from previews, we now have a red band trailer for the film. This is Shyamalan attempting to appeal to the hardcore geeks out there by showing gruesome images. This trailer just screams: “See guys? I’m fucking radical and hardcore like Eli Roth! Dude!”
Unfortunately, Shyamalan managed to slip into this trailer one disastrous scene featuring Mark Wahlberg. In it, Wahlberg says, “There are forces at work beyond our understanding.” He intones this terrible line like an unholy cross between Forrest Gump and a two pound package of ground beef. It’s easily the worst line reading since Anakin and Padme stood on that balcony in REVENGE OF THE SITH and talked about being in love. Instantly, all of the tremendous work Walhberg did over the years to make us forget that he used to have “Marky” in front of his name suddenly disappeared. Nice job, Wahlberg; go back to modelling underwear for a living.
Here is the trailer. It’s not for the faint of heart, but not in the way you might expect:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ort07zcUs7g[/youtube]
If not for SPEED RACER, this thing would be my obvious pick for worst film of the summer. I still have hope that Shyamalan can beat SPEED to the bottom of the barrel; if there’s one thing we know, it’s that geniuses who think they are geniuses are usually the ones who end up looking the dumbest.
Full SPEED Ahead!!
Filed under: Media Report, Miscellaneous Awesomeness, Movies, The Cutting Edge, Trailers
After the Wachowski Siblings released the first trailers for their upcoming live action version of the seventies cartoon classic SPEED RACER, many movie fanboys spent far too many hours bashing the kaleidescopic visuals. Nevermind that most of these fanboys were yet to make an appearance as anything other than watery ejaculate when the cartoon was at its peak.
I, on the other hand, was a five year old boy during this time – thank goodness LOGAN’s RUN never came true! – and I know as well as anyone what made the cartoon work: THE CAR, THE CAR, THE CAR.
The characters were basically non-existent, the animation barely moved, and very little of the weekly story made any sort of sense. Yet, that damned car fueled the imaginations of an entire generation of boys in America. “What could you do if you had Speed Racer’s Mach Five?” we would ask ourselves. The answer was, as always, “anything we damn well pleased.”
And yeah, we used the word “damn” at five years old. When Mom wasn’t around, that is.
As a long-term/ancient fan of the cartoon, I was filled with apprehension after watching the trailers. It seemed to me that the Wachowski Siblings spent too much time trying to emulate the crappy animation of the series – something that nobody fondly remembers or ever wanted to see again. Additionally, the Mach Five never really made much of an impression in any of the trailers … and as I’ve made clear, that’s the whole point.
Well, I am happy to report that they have fixed this little glitch with the new domestic trailer for the movie. Not only do we get to see the Mach Five in its full glory – complete with that “yawnk yawnk yawnk” sound we love so much – but we also get to see the characters interact on a personal level.
Here is the brand new trailer for SPEED RACER:
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=iWrPXlqyS8s[/youtube]
Here it is in HIGH DEF!
I think Susan Sarandon looks much better in the Mom role than I had feared. I also thought the action scenes made much more sense visually than I had seen them represented previously. While the plot still sounds like limp catshit, the Wachowski Siblings appear to be on the right track in capturing the feel of racing with this movie.
FULL SPEED AHEAD INDEED!!!
Not So Scary Remakes
The horror remakes just keep coming. One will be headed to theaters and one will be straight-to-DVD. Do these trailer makes you want to see either.
Semi-Funny
Will Ferrell has made the same movie three or four times now, each with less success. I love the guy; I think he might be the single funniest thing to ever hit Saturday Night Live. However, he has yet to find a movie that completely captures his unique comedic gift.
Wanna Go To Hell, Boy?
The first Hellboy made approximately $19.92 at the box office. So that, of course, means you immediately greenlight a sequel.
And here it comes:
Does this really look any more comprehensible than the first film??
Will Horton Hear, Cha-Ching?
Filed under: Miscellaneous Awesomeness, Movies, Trailers
Next March, Horton Hears A Who will make it’s way into a new generation of children’s hearts. Horton has always been one of Dr. Seuss’s most well known and beloved books. Horton is a heartfelt story of a big dumb elephant that thinks life exist on a speck of dust, only knowbody believes him. Horton is a perfect example of the innocence and creativity that I think most kids are missing today.
Lost Again
I feel like a may be beating a dead horse with this, but this is too good to pass up. Over the weekend I posted the teaser trailer for the upcoming fourth season of Lost. Well now Kristin Dos Santos from E! has posted the extended trailer and it is quite good and very telling. So please indulge me and be warned that this may contain some information that you may consider to be spoilers. Season 4 is going to kick fucking ass, that is for sure.
Wall Eats My Heart
There is something that gets me about this new trailer for Pixar’s WALL-E.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=VrR8LUjQZyM[/youtube]
What is it?
Hancock Trailer
The trailer for Will Smith’s new movie, Hancock has hit the web. I think this movie is going to be a fun ride from the looks of it. Of course, I like just about anything Smith is in. Check it out after the jump and tell us what you think.
Lost Season 4
For those of you who are fans of Lost, and if you not you’re an idiot, the official season 4 trailer has been released. Take a look. Read more
Head Into The Orphanage
This holiday season, don’t forget about all the kids in the orphanage. Well actually, just make sure to check out Guillermo Del Toro’s (Mimic, Hellboy) new horror movie The Orphanage. That should be better than going and making your self all depressed by the crying little kids with no parents. They always want to try and ruin your day, by making you feel bad for their sad lives. They have a place to live and get food, what the hell else do they want?
Stop, Speed Racer, Stop!
The Wachowski siblings have unveiled the trailer for their upcoming adaptation of Speed Racer. Unfortunately, the thing looks like a phantasmagorical whirlwind of vomit.
Coming Attractions
As we head into the Christmas movie season, a host of next year’s films are jockeying into position with high-profile sneak previews of their films. Instead of devoting a story to each separately, we’ll just throw them all into the Cuisinart, turn it on high, and see how it tastes.
Shoot Me.
Filed under: Dumb Ideas, Good Grief, Movies, Trailers, Uncategorized, Worst of the Worst
And you thought the one-sheet was bad. My advice? Don’t watch the trailer I’ve put after the jump.