I’ve been known to make a drunken ass out of myself at wedding receptions. One time I grabbed this goofy chick named Christine, hoisted her up around my waist, and started dry humping her on the dance floor in front of little kids and old people. Of course, I couldn’t bounce her up and down like that for long (she wasn’t the slimmest girl in the room), so she fell backwards and bounced her head off the concrete floor. As you can imagine, that ended my dance routine in an ugly way.
Thankfully I do not pole dance (unless I’m getting paid, of course) like the whorish Jezebel in this video:
I love the shocked expression on Grandpa as she yells and writhes up and down on that pole. He looks like he’s ready to get his wallet out and give her a dollar. She looks like she’s ready to accept it, too.
I imagine she doesn’t get invited over to the bride and groom’s house very often, and if she does, the conversations must be awkward. “Hey, remember when you slutted-up my wedding reception, fucked a tent pole, and collapsed it on my fucking face and broke my nose?” asks the bride, glaring over a glass of Chardonnay and fake chuckling. “Oh yeah,” says Jezebel, embarrassed, “I’m sorry about that. AGAIN!”
This is why you shouldn’t serve liquor at your wedding reception. Or invite strippers to it.
Thanks Nikki for the tip! If you have stories you want to see, send ‘em to us via the contact page!
Who is watching Big Brother anymore? Why is this show still on the air? Gee, let’s put some people in a room and stare at them as they hang out! I’ve just never understood the interest in this premise.
Well, until now. I guess there’s always been the off-chance that someone might masturbate or fuck for the viewing pleasure of millions, but, to my knowledge, there hasn’t been anyone quite a dumb as current contestant Lane on the show before. After talking about sex with the other male roommates, Lane went into the shower and proceeded to apply extra soap to a certain body part:
I love how he keeps rubbing his scraggly beard and his right ear. Dude, do you really expect us to believe that cleaning your ear causes you to spontaneously O-face and jiggle back and forth??
Even worse is the post-coitus, when relieved Lane examines his hand for any damning evidence. Hey Lane, it’s all over the side of the tub your roommates need to use later! Worry about that, you nasty fuck!
As a red-blooded fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, I admit a certain unyielding hatred for the Chicago Cubs. They’re hapless losers, a storied history of failure made even more baffling by the huge market and payroll they play with every year. While the Cardinals have contended almost every season for thirty years, Cubs fans endure grotesque incompetence on an epic scale.
But every once in a while, the Cubs organization does something right, and such an occurrence happened this weekend when Cubs general manager Jim Hendry suspended hot-headed idiot / occasional pitcher Carlos Zambrano after yet another uncontrolled outburst in the dugout. Zambrano unloaded on Derrek Lee after the first inning of Friday’s game, leading to his expulsion from the team. Check it out:
Hendry said this in response to Zambrano’s behavior: “We’ll play with 24 before we tolerate that behavior.” Sounds ominous.
The guy has always been a monumental jackoff, but his disgusting personality was often overlooked when he was one of the game’s better pitchers. But it’s been three years since his best season, and these tantrums are getting tiresome. Oftentimes, it seems that Zambrano flips out during a game in which he himself is the man to blame for the failure. For instance, nobody else threw that first inning meatball to Quentin that resulted in a three run homer besides Zambrano, yet he feels like it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s one thing to be a diva, but a self-deluded diva is something else entirely.
The Cubs did the right thing by suspending the jerk. I hope they release him like they did Milton Bradley last year. While I’m sure it will do nothing to change the historic ineptitude of the Cubs franchise, it might at least look like they still care about winning … or, at the very least, losing with more class.
You know, media weekends are so slow in the dead of winter during a strike. Fortunately, rubber hands nestling just the right spot can make those cold nights that much better.
Besides preparing for the upcoming Hollywood Writer’s strike, nothing much is going on with media, so… we present something to take your mind off your troubles.
Well, maybe not so much this time. Instead, this innocent little flick might cause you to lose control of your bowels – if you’re lucky. For me, it caused a profound disgust of the human race.
This is not for the faint of heart. This is your only warning.
