A Tribute to Corey Haim???

Corey Haim’s body will be laid to rest in a small ceremony in Toronto, Canada tomorrow, officially ending the drug-addled saga of Hollywood’s latest child actor/victim. But it’s not, however, the end.

When I wrote about Haim’s death a few days ago, I mumbled something at the end of the article that is now proving prophetic. I said, “Hopefully (Feldman) doesn’t use this as a publicity stunt like his Michael Jackson bullshit last summer.” Well, unfortunately, Feldman today announced that he will indeed be making this into a publicity stunt. He is planning a star-studded tribute to the late actor next month in Los Angeles.

I don’t know if Jermaine Jackson will show up to sing again – I certainly hope not – but you can be assured that Feldman will sing a song for his missing friend. And when he does, it will surely be one of the worst moments of the year, a trainwreck of monumental proportions. To give you some idea of what is in store at this memorial, here’s a horrific clip from The Two Coreys in which Feldman sings to his wife on Valentine’s Day. It is beyond awful:

I hope nobody talks Feldman out of singing at this thing. It’ll be hilarious.

Fuck You Lowes and G.E. Money!

A few days ago I was shocked to receive a letter from G.E. Money, the lending institution that finances several companies, including Lowe’s home improvement stores. I received a Lowe’s card with a $300 limit in the summer of 2006, despite a spotty credit history. It wasn’t much, but I wanted something to use in case the house needed repairs. The letter said that they were cancelling my account.

Huh? I had never missed a payment during the entire time I had the card, and paid it off several times. I hadn’t even had a balance on it since last September. My general credit report has vastly improved since 2006, and my credit score is now 700. Yet somehow this has happened.

I have no problem shopping elsewhere for home supplies. Home Depot is convenient and friendly, and the internet allows me to buy things at a discount. But it was nice to have that extra credit and store; the open credit account only helps boost my credit even more.

I just spent several minutes chewing out the very nice lady that answered my call at Lowes. I just find it hard to believe that any company in these economic times would choose to alienate customers who have conscientiously paid their bills and wisely used the credit extended to them. It’s safe to say that I will never spend another penny at a Lowes ever again, and I will never use credit from G.E. Money, either. It’s time that average consumers, the ones responsible for bailing out these irresponsible banks, started letting their money do the talking.

FUCK YOU LOWES AND G.E. MONEY!

Unpretty (Wo)Man

It’s undeniable; the world is a sick place. I don’t know if it’s being caused by too much fluoride in the water, chemtrails, tainted vaccinations, or the JFK conspiracy, but people are just becoming almost disturbingly weird.

Take, for example, this guy pictured at the top of this article. He goes by the name (Wo)Man. He’s a morbidly obese dude who likes to ride around on a banana-seated bicycle wearing some form of women’s clothing. It usually ends up exposing his dick at some point, which definitely crashes the careful and beautiful illusion he’s creating.

My questions are simple ones: why on Earth has this guy not been arrested for indecent exposure? Why hasn’t he gotten the shit kicked out of him from some father whose son was emotionally raped at the sight of him? Why isn’t this guy being held in the darkest, dankest corner of a mental institution???

Anyway, here’s a video of this freakazoid riding around town on his bike, the wind gently lifting his skirt to expose his dimpled ass. Classy!

Crack Is Whack, Yo

I’ve ranted before about Whitney Houston’s unacceptable destruction of her wondrous voice. But this is just tragic.

Over the weekend Whitney “performed” in Brisbane, Australia. From all reports, Whitney only managed to cough out a few hits before surrendering the microphone to almost anyone capable of carrying a tune. This is not, of course, what her fans are paying $100 a ticket to see. They are also not paying to see a woman hack and wheeze her way through three songs while sipping on water, but that’s what those poor Australians got last weekend.

Whitney gasped her way through her greatest song, “I Will Always Love You,” pausing for several minutes while she sipped on a glass of water. Refreshed, Whitney attempted to hit the high notes of the finale, only to sound like a homeless whore getting throat-fucked by Marlon Wayans. She laughed about her miscue, probably because she didn’t pay half of a year’s salary to be there.

What Whitney has done to her incredible voice is simply unacceptable. Even less acceptable is the idea that she should tour the world and collect money for vocal performances that would embarass Britney Spears. Whitney seriously needs to go home, apply Vicks Vaporub, drink plenty of water, and do some yoga. Most of all, she needs to stop acting like her foolish life choices have not destroyed one of the greatest human gifts seen in over one hundred years.

Crack is whack, yo. Watch the video for confirmation:

Paul McCartney: Cheap Ass

What’s the deal with Paul McCartney? The guy is one of the wealthiest musicians of all time, with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions even after Heather Mills hopped away with some of it. He can just about buy anything he wants. Well, except for a hit, of course.

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Ruining A Crappy Song For Haiti

The original We Are The World was a horrible and annoying song written by Michael Jackson (make the sign of the cross) and Lionel Ritchie way back in 1985. The song was a star-studded American affair that projected American pomposity while pretending to help starving Africans, but really only helped to say goodbye to a bunch of musical careers. Has anybody seen Steve Perry since then?

Now they’ve made a new version for Haiti. And it’s even worse than the original.

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Taylor Lautner Is Legal

Look at all of these retarded girls and queeny fags wishing Taylor Lautner a happy 18th birthday, which happens to be today. Yeah, the kid is cute. So what? How is Taylor Lautner anything other than this year’s version of Leif Garrett? Check out this hilarious and very sad video:

Who Dat?

Super Bowl XLIV is over and the New Orleans Saints won an outstanding game. The commercials were even better this year than in previous years. The halftime show however, that’s a different story.

A delusional old couple pretending to be Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend took the stage of the half time show. The two men looked more like an old couple who escaped from a nursing home and wondered on stage, than they looked the the legendary rock band The Who.

Daltrey looked like a 65 years old woman and sounded terrible.  He was missing notes and at times seemed to be forgetting the lyrics. It’s a good thing that they performed songs with repeating lyrics. Pete Townsend looked even more ridiculous with his doo-rag underneath his hat and jumping around like around like a retarded monkey.  At least he was able to to the big swinging arm more while playing guitar, he seemed to get that in about every 30 seconds. 

CBS and the The Who should be embarrassed by this.  CBS is so busy trying not to book bands that will offending anyone that they bore the hell out of us instead.

Carrot Top Is A Freak

What horrible childhood trauma occurred in the young life of Carrot Top to make him morph into a ginger-haired version of Michael Jackson?

The guy managed to achieve some level of fame in the late eighties/early nineties with an act full of groan-inducing sight gags. Once he made some cash, he decided to spend it on a series of face lifts and steroid injections that have turned him into the planet’s freakiest-looking dude. At this point, he probably terrifies his own mother.

TMZ caught up with Carrot Top on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Who knows why. But it does give us another opportunity to stare at a train wreck. By the way, there is no carpet – PUKE!

Who Wants This Band At The Super Bowl??

Imagine you’re the producer of the Super Bowl. You have the largest television audience at your disposal. You need a musical act of some kind to put center stage to entertain 2 billion people, including many youths. Who would you choose?

Certainly not The Who, a band that has been pointless since the mid-sixties. Their sole contribution to music is guitarist Pete Townsend’s swinging arm move. In fact, Townsend’s child pornography citation is the only thing the band has produced in thirty fucking years.

But there they will be, on the biggest stage in the world, playing a couple of songs that nobody under the age of 45 will remember. I’m sure they’re hoping for a boost in sales of their fifteenth greatest hits package – in stores now!!

The programming director for the Super Bowl, Charles Coplin, crowed about his choice of musical act in this article. Based on the acts employed recently for the halftime show, he went on to call the Super Bowl the “Ed Sullivan show of its time.” No, Charlie, it’s not. Sullivan actually went out on a limb night after night looking for new acts that appealed to the kids. He didn’t waste valuable broadcast time carting out obsolete old men and their two hits.

Here’s a radical idea: invite Jay-Z to perform at the Super Bowl. Hell, I’d take Lady Gaga over this shit. Fuck The Who.

Another Perez Hilton Bellyflop

Perez Hilton tends to be somewhat like heroin; it’s bad for you, damaging to your brain, but irresistible. Gotta hand it to the guy … he has managed to make tons of money despite having very little talent.

In the last year, Hilton has tried various ways to expand his online gossip empire. He introduced a clothing line at Hot Topic, which ended up being a monumental disaster. Then he created a concert tour, which played to half-empty small venues that would make Anvil weep. Hilton then released a widely-ignored book, which everyone quickly discerned was simply a rehashing of stories from his website.

But Hilton’s latest venture feels like his most embarrassing enterprise yet. Hilton has teamed with rotoscoper Milkfat to create a webseries called Assisted Living. The show feels desperate, flailing limply to generate controversy. Mostly, it induces yawns.

Here’s the latest episode:

Courtney Love: Heroin Skank

There are few things to actually say about this picture, which Courtney Love proudly posted on her Twitter account. She looks like she just spent three straight sleepless days shooting cocaine up her ass while beaing beaten with a sack of doorknobs. I haven’t had sex since Reagan was in office, and I still wouldn’t fuck her. Needless to say, this will be exhibit “A” in the trial that frees Nirvana’s back catalogue from her evil clutches.

Run, Francis Bean … RUN!!

Eye Tattoos For Dumbshits

People in prison are generally not the most intelligent members of society. Their lifestyles should not be emulated by people wishing to remain on the outside.

So I find it a little odd that these idiots were featured on a news program sporting the latest in stupid tattooing: eye tattoos. Apparently, having nothing better to do, they took a hypodermic needle and injected colored dyes into their eyeballs in order to change the color of the white area.

This is not cool, nor is it wise to demonstrate this trend in prison fashion to impressionable young people who will inevitably blind themselves in the process. Check out the stupidity:

Howard Stern Is A Gutless Piece Of Fuck

Howard Stern has made a comfortable living – totalling, by all accounts, into the hundreds of millions of dollars – making fun of people on the air. No shred of gossip has ever fallen from the trash can that Stern hasn’t picked up and immediately blabbed about on his radio show. He has discussed the intimate details of everyone, and poked fun at some of the most personal indiscretions revealed in public.

Of course, it’s a little different when it’s one of your own friends having problems.

Stern stammered and pussied out when talking about Saturday’s suicide attempt by Artie Lange, Stern’s longtime co-host/professional drug addict/friend. Not only did Stern shy away from discussing it, but he also criticized everyone else who is discussing this “personal family matter.” Listen to this bullshit:

Fuck you, Stern. Grow a pair of balls and treat your fat fucking douchebag buddy the same as you treat everyone else – like shit.

Worst Dance Video Of All Time

Words cannot describe the horrors of this video, which seems to be ripped directly from the nightmares of the most perverted and disgusting choreographer on Earth. Watch this now:

Wow. Beyonce, I hope you’re watching.

Please Let This Be It

Michael Jackson has been dead for over six months now. His movie has come and gone. Hell, even the 35% of his body made of actual human flesh has disintegrated by now. Yet we’re still being deluged with Jackson-related garbage.

Not only are the money-hungry producers of Jackson’s This Is It pushing for a Best Picture Oscar nomination for their incomplete, hastily-edited rehearsal footage – possibly the worst Best Picture nominee ever conceived, but they have hired Spike “I hate the white man” Lee to direct a music video for the title song.

I really don’t care if you’re the biggest Michael Jackson fan alive, you must admit that this song sucks. It’s meaningless, with a limp vocal performance and even worse music. It’s not a fitting tribute to the man at all.

The video does a better job of saluting Jackson through pictures and video, with almost all of it coming from the pre-freak years. After the jump you can witness this newest Jackson-related cash grab:
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Worst Christmas Song Of All Time?

There are some Christmas songs that are among the greatest melodies ever created. Think about Holly Jolly Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Jingle Bell Rock, or Winter Wonderland … they are insanely catchy, easily hummable, and memorably written.

But then there is also a lot of crap.

Chris and I were debating again today about the worst Christmas song of all time. And we have some doozies on our list. Here are a couple of choices:

Christmastime by The Smashing Pumpkins – There’s nothing that says Christmas like Billy Corgan’s suffocated rasp. He sounds like one of the ghosts of Christmas being strangled by Ebenezer Scrooge.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney – Apparently written by McCartney on the world’s very first keyboard when played by his ASS and composed by Linda McCartney while on dope.

Christmas Shoes by Newsong – The reason why Christmas is the season of suicide.

Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas) by John Denver – But we need to get drunk to endure songs like this.

These are all pretty bad, of course. But for me, the worst Christmas song of all time is a little ditty called Christmas Gift. It was written and performed by a technical writer named Mike Morucci. I found his personal blog, on which he published this explanation of his atrocious, worst-ever Christmas song:

When I was 22 years old, I wrote a Christmas song for my family on Christmas Eve while they were at church; I had chosen to remain at home. I don’t normally consider myself very spiritual, but I have always felt something greater than me had to help/inspire during this particular event. As soon as they left, I sat at the piano (I’m a guitar player) and composed an entire song complete with lyrics, then recorded it on a cassette. All in less than 90 minutes. I have two dozen half-finished songs I started over 20 years ago – that’s just not how my creative process works.

In 1999, I re-recorded the song in a studio. It’s not a complicated piece. It doesn’t have all of the instrumentation I would like (it’s only me and an electronic keyboard) or a bridge. And after hearing it repeatedly over the years, I now cringe because I know where all the flat spots are.

But I’m really proud of completing this song, and love sharing it. My family enjoyed it, it got my message across, and my best friend Victor (who hates Christmas music) loved it. I’ve even made $35 in royalties so far from Trusonic, a company who added it to their unsigned artists Christmas rotation (used in store PA systems and music-on-hold phone systems).

If you go to his blog, you can actually hear this awful fucking ditty.

I wrote to Mr. Morucci and told him how much I hated the sub-Timmy T keyboards, the 6th grade lyrics, and his tone-deaf singing. He replied with an answer so nice and unassuming that I almost felt bad for writing to him.

So I listened to the song again to reassure myself that I did the right thing. Fuck you Mike Morucci and your horrible song!!

Beached On Jersey Shore

As the inexplicably hot hit series The Hills cools down, MTV has found itself in the difficult position of replacing it with something new that will build buzz for the increasingly-irrelevant station.

So they came up with the idea of gathering together a collection of the dumbest human beings still able to walk and breathe at the same time … and then base a “reality show” around them. The catch this time: they’re all Italian. Wow.

The show, called Jersey Shore, premiered last week to some of the most scathing reviews ever. Yet every nasty word said about this atrocity is perfectly deserved.

The show follows six vapid, self-absorbed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fake tan, pluck their copious eyebrows, and flex in front of the mirror. I suppose the appeal of the show is supposed to be our admiration for their looks and bodies, which are nice, of course. But then they open their mouths, and you quickly realize that these are probably the most worthless creatures ever produced by the haphazard natural selection of human sexuality. I’ve left ejaculate in tube socks that had more emotional depth and concern for others. If I happened to be related to any of them, I would kill them with a blunt instrument in front of MTV’s cameras as a gift to popular culture and the preservation of the human race.

Here is a clip that assembles the MTV promos for each non-entity:

Taylor Lautner – Action Hero?

To my dismay, it’s been announced that Paramount has signed Taylor Lautner to star in the big-screen adaptation of Max Steele, automatically anointing him as the next big action hero.

Sure, the kid is good looking and has some athletic ability – so what? Doesn’t an action hero require a certain amount of gravitas and life experience? Lautner’s biggest concern in his life to date has been a zit.

Not to mention the kid is a fag … that never goes over well with the popcorn crowd.

Obama No Moore

Barack Obama is becoming a black Jimmy Carter if Jimmy Carter had been running the White House with Lyndon Johnson. Like those two previous Presidents, Obama reveals some principles, but they’re completely circumcised by a pathetic lack of ballsack.

In the last few months, Obama has backed down from several major elements of the platform that elected him. He has completely left gay rights twisting in the wind. He bailed on the public health option, something he promised would be a cornerstone of his Presidency. And those troops haven’t exactly returned in vast numbers from the Middle East.

Now it looks like they might never come home. In a televised address that will become a landmark moment of his Presidency, Obama announced that he is ordering 30,000 troops to deploy in Afghanistan. This is comparable to L.B.J. escalating the Vietnam conflict in order to crush it … a plan that worked about as well as Britney cutting her own hair. We have no idea what the troops will be trying to accomplish over there. But it will likely involve dying. The only difference between this situation and Vietnam is that we don’t have a band as cool as Creedence to write protest songs about it.

If you really want some sensible thinking on this matter, listen to the brilliance of Michael Moore. While I’m not a huge fan of the guy, what he says here is 200% correct:

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