Electric Light Orchestra

Although Jeff Lynne was the sonic mastermind behind the band, its founding members were all accomplished musicians. On of those members, cellist Mike Edwards, died over the weekend when his van was crushed by a 1,300 pound bale of hay that rolled down a hill. Let me repeat that: he died when a hay bale landed on his van.

I’m not sure how that even happens. At worst, a roll in the hay might result in an unwanted pregnancy … but DEATH? Edwards was 62 years old.

But rarely has the show sunk to Jerry Springer levels of depravity like this. On a recent audition show, Simon Cowell (he’s everywhere!) and company were witness to the clumsy and off-key singing talents of Lisa Parker and Abbey Johnston, two portly best friends who decided to disembowel Don’t Stop Believing by Journey and Shayne Ward’s That’s My Goal.

Then this happened:

Here is the whole video:

Easily the worst audition I’ve ever seen … for anything. I have no idea how Cowell remain so composed throughout; I guess he’s not such a bad guy after all.

Wow. Awful.

What is so special about this video? What talent does young Keenan display here that is so mesmerizing? Sure, the kid is cute in a Ralphie sort of way, but does that justify the attention this video has received?

And so it still goes with YouTube after five years. The site remains clogged with talking heads and cross-eyed stares into camcorders. I’d wager that there are probably 1.3 million videos of people lip-syncing to famous songs for no apparent reason! Why, after so many years, are people still fascinated with staring at other people talking?

Personally, I think it’s the same as a dog becoming entranced by its own reflection. Humans are still basically fascinated by watching other human faces, like a baby imprinting on its mother. They’re also fascinated by watching themselves on camera, regardless of how idiotic they look. It’s bizarre.

He's just a talking head ... and still making more money than you do.

While Keenan is going to be just a fifteen-second blip on the pop culture radar, even the most popular YouTube channels are just variations on the “talk into the camcorder” method. Niga Higa, Shane Dawson, What The Buck, and Fred are all just talking to the audience, albeit with some variety and character stuff thrown in. These guys make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year doing what Keenan clumsily did right here.

It’s amazing.

Axl and his retooled GNR lineup brought their show to Ireland over the weekend. Anyone who knows anything about GNR knows that Axl shows up whenever the fuck he wants, so it shouldn’t have surprised the concertgoers when the show was delayed 90 minutes. By the time Axl and company lumbered onstage to actually play music, the fans were drunk and quite upset.

So they threw bottles at his fucking head. Axl, you should never piss of the Irish.

In keeping with Axl’s overwhelming legacy, the band quit and left for the night, leaving tens of thousands of fans screaming for blood. And I hope they get some. I just can’t stand Axl’s bullshit anymore. I cannot listen to GNR anymore without thinking about how much Axl destroyed something so special, and how he continues to destroy it.

What a waste.

Douglas was such a lively, energetic, and charismatic force onscreen that it’s difficult to imagine him dying of old age, let alone a degenerative disease like cancer. Yet, sadly, that is the fight he has before him now. Diagnosed just three weeks ago with throat cancer at the base of his tongue, Douglas has continued to promote his new movie, Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps with his typical good humor and class.

Douglas showed up on David Letterman last night to talk about the movie, but Letterman seemed more interested in needling Douglas about his cancer instead. Awkward, touching, and honest are all words to describe this moment between two entertainment icons.

Anyone of my age or older can remember watching Michael Landon deteriorate before our eyes while struggling with prostate cancer in the early nineties. Landon, who had been the picture of health and vitality throughout his career with his long, flowing hair and sparkling eyes, suddenly wilted, shriveled up, and died. I remember the class and dignity Landon infused into his struggle, and how much it befitted his legacy as one of television’s best fathers.

I have no doubt that Douglas will confront this situation with a similar resolve. I can only hope that his outcome matches the outlook, and he makes a full recovery. A talent like Douglas’ is not finished yet.

They also like to drown newborn puppies in rivers, apparently:

This Croatian bitch happily tossing yelping puppies to their watery deaths in the Vrbas River needs to be split in half with a large blade, have each half gang-raped by African AIDS patients, and then the whole mess set on fire so she can arrive in Hell on time. And yeah, I realize the irony of wishing horrible agony on someone causing horrible agony – so what? Conscience-free garbage like this has ruined this world – go take a trip through Bosnia to see what cruel mentalities like this inflicted on the landscape there.

Fucking puppies, man … that just isn’t right at all.

How many more times must the poor 99% of the American population see the rich 1% get away with whatever they want before finally ending it? I mean, O.J. virtually cut the heads off of two people and dripped the blood all the way into his own bedroom and got away with it! He was found innocent, and all we were missing as far as evidence was a videotape of O.J. singing “I Got You Babe” using Nicole’s head as a puppet! Because O.J. was rich and famous, he could basically do just about whatever he wanted … well, until he got really dumb about it, of course. Paris is essentially the same.

Paris has been busted three fucking timesfor drugs. She’s a spoiled, doped-up brat who has skirted the law repeatedly because she’s supposedly cute (barf) and she lives a lavish lifestyle that many people crave. She could be sucking five pounds of cocaine off of nude male models in the middle of Wilshire Boulevard and she’d prance out of jail with the same stupid smirk that she shows in her latest mugshot:

Hey Paris, this isn’t a photo shoot! It means you’re a criminal!

How would you like to be her parents? They built their name on the Hilton hotel franchise, made untold millions of dollars, and then their daughter shits all over it with her selfish, unlawful, and pathetic lifestyle. It’s unfortunate that Paris has wormed her way into a self-sustaining ”career” of her own, because I would have cut her off from my fortune had I been her father. I probably would’ve been done with her after watching her swallow a nine inch cock on camera for the whole wide world to see; I certainly wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.

I just cannot wrap my mind around the idea that Paris Hilton probably went clubbing right after getting caught with COCAINE while DRIVING. She doesn’t understand consequences, nor does she understand that consequences apply to all people, regardless of their social and economic status.

Guess what? It’s time the bitch learned some consequences. Throw her ass in jail and keep her there.

But someone did, and now they’re trying to earn a few Pet Rock-like bucks selling Carlashes. For only $24.95, you can stick these dumbass eyelashes around your headlights and drive around town like a clown. And for $19.95 more, you can add “crystal eyeliner” over the top of it for that extra DAZZLE!

Aren’t we in some sort of recession? Do people really have the disposable income to waste on shit like this?

So yeah … I just ordered mine.

Young is the Mayoral candidate for Providence, Rhode Island. To promote his candidacy, Young stopped in on a local television show called The Rhode Show (clever!). Once on live television, he proceeded to disembowel himself so spectacularly that, if he happens to win, it will only be by the grace of God in order to bring about Armageddon.

Meanwhile, host Elizbeth Hopkins showed steely reserve as she somehow managed to not laugh directly into his fat face. She clearly needs a job on a major network after her performance here. Or perhaps she should run for Mayor. Not only did she keep a straight face, but she also proved to be genial under pressure when she flatly turned down his offer to come back and sing for her again later in the week! WHAT A PRO!

I think this guy should team up with Basil Marceaux to form a new party. We’ll call it the Retard Party. It’s very much like the Republican Party, except just slightly less intelligible. They’d be UNSTOPPABLE!

Even though America’s Got Talent is supposed to be searching for the next big star, the show has been taken over by some deranged freak who calls himself Prince Poppycock. Granted, the guy has a pretty nice, operatic voice when he actually sings. But, as it is made painfully clear in this video, the guy’s look and the camp aspects of his performance vastly overmatch his vocals.

Sharon Osbourne is completely wrong about this “guy” being the next superstar. NO WAY. What kind of music can this guy produce that doesn’t come across like a made-up Tiny Tim?? He might have a fine future haunting gay bathhouses, but a pop superstar on the order of Lady Gaga? It will never, ever happen.