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Don’t Wanna MEET DAVE!
I am speechless.
I remember Eddie Murphy from the very beginning of his career. He erupted from one of the worst casts to ever assemble on the Saturday Night Live stage with a magnetic blend of charisma, wit, and nasty charm. He created indelible characters and skits during his brief run, including Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, Gumby, Buckwheat, and Little Richard. However, these characters were more than merely funny; they also skewered and examined the social, sexual, and racial divisions within society at the time. Entire graduate theses could be crafted from the wealth of information contained in some of these sketches.
Murphy parlayed this television success into a series of films which continued his scathing riffs on modern society and class structure. Films like Trading Places, 48 Hours, Raw, and Beverly Hills Cop, cemented Murphy’s standing as heir apparent to Richard Pryor.
In my mind, Murphy’s nauseating descent began with the release of the disastrous misstep The Golden Child. Despite Murphy’s constant mugging, this over-produced shitbag revealed Murphy’s desperate desire to cross over into family-oriented blockbusters. This trend continued with films like Coming To America (which gave us the first taste of Murphy playing every fucking role in the movie) and Boomerang.
The first true nail in the coffin of Murphy’s career was hammered in tightly the moment he made the fateful decision to star in 1996’s The Nutty Professor. A huge blockbuster, the film made Murphy a household name, and suddenly popular with a large segment of the Wal-Mart-shopping population eager to stare, slack-jawed, at the latest dumbed-down slapstick bullshit.
Since then, we have been soaked in a steady stream of bewilderingly-bad Murphy films. Dr. Doolittle … I Spy … Daddy Day Care … Norbit. Even a monumental disaster like Pluto Nash - a cinematic justification for abortion if ever there was one - hasn’t seemed to slow down Murphy’s idiotic train at all.
Which segues nicely into this trailer for Murphy’s latest film, which many feared would become another Pluto Nash. Previously known as Starship Dave, the newly-monikered Meet Dave stars Murphy as an alien who commands a starship in the form of a robot that looks just like Eddie Murphy.
How meta. Yawn.
The trailer makes the film look less appealing than having a Klendathu ant-creature rip open your anus and lay eggs up inside your small intestine. The only way I would ever buy a ticket to this projected bloodfart is if the ticket came with a free shot at Eddie Murphy with a shotgun. Watching him here makes me want to bore my thumbs into his googly eyes for what he’s done to himself.
Anyway, here’s the fucking trailer for the film guaranteed to make you despise the medium:
P.S. Using the song Staying Alive doesn’t make your movie cool, Ed. It’s become a cliche … stop using it.
Get LOST, BOYS!!
Most creatures in this world serve some sort of purpose. Some are truly inspirational (like dolphins, or Ghandi), some are ingenious (like spiders, or Madonna), and some even unite others due to their own pure wickedness (like Hitler, or Rosie O’Donnell). Hell, even the lowly maggot serves a noble purpose in the glorious chain of life.
And just below that maggot is Corey Feldman.
When your single greatest achievement in life (besides marrying a model) is contributing the character of Mouth in THE GOONIES, then it’s time to reassess the direction of that life.
And reassess it he apparently has. Not content to rest his laurels upon his misguided and very much dead career, the Talented Corey has decided to revisit one of his more-fondly remembered roles and completely destroy it as well. Fortunately for Mr. Feldman, Hollywood producers rank just underneath him on the food chain, and they are eager to make a sleazy buck to help him do it.
Enter LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE. Although missing Rehab Corey, the production managed to soldier on thanks to Talented Corey’s guiding light. To flesh out the whisker-thin storyline, the “producers” wisely incorporated lots of twentysomething mannequins in various states of undress. BRILLIANT!!
One problem, though: the original LOST BOYS was a ridiculously fun guilty-pleasure, filled to the brim with winning performances by a large group of talented young actors. Although rated R, it still felt lightweight and harmlessly fun. This new version looks like something assembled by a craigslist casting call and a scriptwriting monkey, and bolstered by a three minute cameo by Mr. Feldman.
Now, on the eve of the direct to DVD release of the “film,” the producers have released a trailer in order to whet the appetites of dozens of film lovers with titillating shots of vapid models showering together. And here it is:
Watching this stuns me into coma-like incredulity. It makes me renounce a belief in God. It makes me want to go into regression therapy until I forget what my pee-pee does. It makes me want to have a shotgun custom-fitted for my mouth.
NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: You have all of the money and talent to make perfect works of art. STOP MAKING THIS SHIT!!!
It Ain’t Cool
Everyone knows that Harry Knowles, the so-called “head geek” over at Ain’t It Cool News, is a media conglomerate-sucking whore of epic proportions. Harry would eat out his dead grandmother’s cold, gray asshole if he thought there was a dime just inside her rectum.
But this article decrying the death of HD-DVD is just too much to bear.
The Ultimate Idiot
I love it when people who were never really very famous in the past, try as hard as they can to get people to notice them one last time. Former wrestle Ultimate Warrior is the lastest never-was trying to get just 15 more minutes.
Worst Half Time Performance Ever?
It’s strange. The Super Bowl has an audience of 95 million (mostly) males of various ages, and yet the organizers behind the yearly most-watched television event cannot understand what type of musical performance best fits the venue.
Case in point: yesterday’s laughable Paula Abdul “performance.”
Idols And Freaks
American Idol is back and so are the freaks. It’s only been two episodes and we have already gotten a birdman and stalker to go along with the usual freaks.
All Scared Out
The recent double-whammy of watching The Orphanage and the release of a trailer for Doomsday has me lamenting the sad state of horror films these days. What exactly are the problems plaguing this least-respected but beloved movie genre?
Enough Is Enough
I have fucking had it with the Britney Spears shit. I can’t understand why her fucked up life is a news story and I really can’t understand how people can still be defending her.
60 Minutes To Long
Why is Andy Rooney still alive? He’s like a cockroach, he’ll never go away. Read more
Die, Hannah Montana, Die
Anyone with children aged five to fifteen has probably heard the name Hannah Montana enough to want to do physical harm to said children. The disgusting musical phenomenon/bloodfart known as Hannah Montana has been successfully pilfering the pocketbooks of American parents for many months now, with tickets to her “live” performances ranging somewhere between $300 and infinity.
Although I would have put quotes around the word “live,” it seems more appropriate now than ever; the little teenaged bitch is not only lip-synching, but also using body doubles to “perform” for her.
Here’s the proof!
Orwell Got The Date Wrong
In recent months, Republican candidate Ron Paul has been derided in the mainstream media for his attacks against “neocons” and their agenda to create a North American Union and remove the civil liberties and protections once enjoyed by Americans. His ideas have been consistently portrayed as the rantings of the lunatic fringe.
Does he sound like a doom-and-gloom George Orwell crackpot to you?
It turns out he may have a point after all.
Don’t Do Drugs
The latest Britney Spears freakshow exhibition made me think about all of the celebrities over the years who destroyed themselves in the public eye thanks to their drug and alcohol abuse. Sure, their spiralling demises make for reality programming of the most fascinating kind, but it’s also sad to watch talented people with the world at their disposal completely fall apart.
Celine Dion Is Fucking Crazy
I fucking hate Celine Dion. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one that feels this way. Everything she does pisses me off, and for the life of me I can’t understand why people like her. Can somebody please tell me why she’s so popular?
Premenstrual Bitch Fight
What in the world could be better than a bitch fight? Maybe two young bitches on their web cams fighting about music? Even better, how about two thirteen year old angst fill little girl fighting about The Jonas Brothers?
The Power Of Lucas
Eleven Seconds after midnight on January 1, 2008, George Lucas’ power in the universe got a little stronger. The impact of Star Wars has never been as disturbing as this.
The Greatest Moments Of 2007 - Eric’s Picks
With the new year coming to an end, I think now is a good time to look back at the 5 greatest celebrity moments of 2007. This year was no different than those of the past. You can always count on Hollywood to give us the most entertaining, bizarre, what the fuck moments that make us scratch are head after we laugh at them uncontrollably.
There were plenty of great things that happened throughout the year. We saw Screech almost get his ass kicked on VH1. Britney Spears provided us with stupid moment after stupid moment. Plus, Marie Osmond took a nose dive on live TV, Paula Abdul tried to show us that she’s almost as stupid as Anna Nichole Smith with her new reality show and who could forget Sanjaya. These stories were great but, not good enough for the top five. What could be better?
Beat The Press
Republican Presidential candidate Ron Paul stepped into the real political arena this morning as he submitted to a furious grilling by Tim Russert on Meet The Press.
Russert, armed with a handful of neo-con spin questions, did the bidding of his Big Media masters and attempted to assassinate Paul’s political chances. To some degree, Russert succeeded.
Never Trust The Mullet
The season finale of the T.V. show Survivor aired this past Sunday. The winner was gay flight attendant Todd Herzog. He, however, isn’t the most talked about person from this season’s cast. Mullet-Head, white trash, hoosier, lunch lady extraordinaire Denise Martin has stolen the spotlight.
Bitch, I Can’t Hit You No Mo
Rock n’ Roll pioneer and legendary wife beater Ike Turner was found dead today. He was 76 years old. The cause of death is not known yet, but he has claimed to be clean and sober for years now. We’ll see about that.
It Ain’t HAPPENING
M. Night Shyamalan has been washed up for years, yet we still talk about him in “coulda been a contenda” tones based on one ingeniously plotted thriller made at the beginning of his career. Even a meandering, poorly-executed movie poster gets the fanboys in a lather.
Not me; I jumped from the Shyamalan bandwagon in the last five minutes of his second film.
