Our favorite harelipped performer, Joaquin Phoenix, has apparently decided to retire. At a benefit for the Association of Hole In The Wall camps (a Paul Newman-inspired charity for sick children … terrible name for that organization, by the way), Phoenix mumbled to a flabbergasted E! reporter that he was retiring from movies. When the reporter (justifiably) laughs incredulously at the announcement, Phoenix gets pissed off and walks away.

Some people can be so fucking self-righteous. Who has the tighter asshole … Joaquin Phoenix or Cameron from FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF????? Man, I bet it’s hard being Joaquin’s friend in real life. Look at him wrong over drinks at a bar, and there’s going to be a crying session in the parking lot or a fist fight.

Note to Joaquin: Lighten up, dude. You’re a little too old and a little too overrated to have that “tortured artist/genius” primadonna attitude.