Variety reports that Screen Gems, which sounds more like a candy than a movie studio, has teamed up with Maxim magazine to produce teen sex comedies.

Oh boy.

Micah Robinson of CHUD wrote this on-target analysis of the idea.

The problem I see with this idea is that these people are setting out to make teen sex comedies. You cannot force these things to work – they must happen, like death, taxes, or diarrhea.

Think about the most successful teen sex comedies of all time – what would yours be?

My list includes Fast Times at Ridgemount High – of course - as well as Porky’s, American Pie, The Last American Virgin … and will probably soon also feature the awesome-looking Superbad.

Why are these films successful both commercially and artistically? Because the creators drew from real-life experiences, and therefore made movies that reflected the genuine nostalgia they felt for those experiences. These films weren’t made from an assembly line, where a group of old men sitting around a boardroom tried to come up with “shockingly hilarious” bits to stitch into a sex comedy. These films – well, except perhaps for Porky’s – had sincere characters and solid story construction upon which to hang the naughty bits.

The greedy editors of Maxim magazine need only to look at the National Lampoon brand of films to see what can be done right and wrong. Nearly everyone agrees that National Lampoon’s Vacation and Christmas Vacation are brilliant comedies … but very little of those films fall into the realm of sex comedy. When National Lampoon tried to force feed a sex comedy to moviegoers, the result was disastrous. Remember Van Wilder? I guarantee that the board members of National Lampoon remember that bomb.

Unfortunately, Maxim wants to create sex comedies in the vein of Van Wilder – pre-packaged, pre-sold precum. Here are the details of their foray into film:

Screen Gems has set with Maxim “Fired Up,” a comedy Will Gluck is writing and will direct, about two horny guys who attend a cheerleading camp, and “Mardi Gras,” a comedy written by Josh Heald about three college seniors who try to sow their wild oats in New Orleans.

After that comes “Virginity Rocks.” The story revolves around a gorgeous transfer student who clings to her virginity and gets all the promiscuous girls in school to abstain from sex; in response, the popular guys ask the school stud to try to bed the poster girl and ending her “virginity rocks” campaign.

Ugh. Sounds hilarious.

Obviously, Maxim fails to understand that a successful sex comedy must erupt spontaneously from the gut, just like the best of sex itself. Like sex, when it is forced, it can be fun … but the best times are the passionate, excited, unsuspected moments.

Maxim is all foreplay.