While billions of people go to and fro across the face of the earth in a vain attempt for relevance and/or survival, movie websites continue to churn out life-altering articles that form the sticky matter holding the space/time continuum together. 

Their importance cannot be overstated.

From random Top 10 lists, to EXCLUSIVE SCOOPS, to masturbatory, near-hallucinogenic depictions of their own popularity, movie websites entertain us while also teaching us how to better our worthless lives.

Let’s look at some of the astounding achievements in humanity’s greatest art form: The movie website!

- Harry Knowles, gatekeeper to the world’s foremost collection of movie miscellanea, began Aint It Cool News in order to seal the void that was never filled through thousands of years of human development: the movie blog. His ramblings and reviews, which would always cutely include a reference to anal sex, defined a generation. Added to his wealth of knowledge is his natural presence and charisma; his unwashed red hair (oh, how I love redheads!!) and generous frame never fail to cause my loins to ooze ever so slightly. And, despite the fact that the site has fifteen bureaus scattered across the globe, their one new post every day only adds to the site’s quaint and homey charm.

- CHUD is such a warm and inviting space to discuss movies thanks to the blacks and puke greens. In addition to the hot-off-the-press news items, the site helps strengthen eye muscles with its 5pt green font in the left corner of the screen. This style allows for copious advertisements on the site, which we all love to see; it’s boring when a site is able to load in under an hour!!

- The Movie Blog is the movie website version of Brad Pitt: The Superstar! Not only does it contain “correct movie opinions,” but it also displays the most glorious visage never to appear on a movie screen: John “Giovanni” Campea. The site leaves humanity spellbound as Giovanni poses next to his various industry “friends” with that alluring head-cock and mysterious, closed-mouth smile. Thank God in heaven for the Movie Blog! And for Giovanni!!

- First Showing, despite being online for about three days, has already proven itself to be absolutely indispensible for anyone who wants to know anything about movies, or anything about the deep, dark cave we like to call human understanding. Site owner Alex Billington regularly demontrates his incomparable knowledge of “films made after 2005 that contain over 50% CGI effects.” Again and again he enchants us completely with his inexhaustable supply of Top 10 lists, all of which have Starship Troopers on them. When he isn’t supplying us with our much-needed one recycled article a day, he floors us with his astounding and entrancing articles about himself and his overwhelming success … like this one, for instance. Keep it coming, and don’t ever, ever stop!!!!!!!!

- Alan, who runs the powerful, intellectually-stimulating Burbanked, claims to be a former industry veteran. However, this could only be true if, by “former industry veteran,” he means God Himself. With its rigorous and demanding schedule of one post per month, Burbanked keeps us on the edge of our seats, writhing in agony for another morsel of brain food. Wisely, though, it remains a once a month fix; if it even went to bi-monthly, our pathetic minds might explode Scanners-style in an orgasmic fountain of sparkling revelation.

- Lazy Eye Theatre, like a concerned parent, keeps humanity in line with its constant reminders of Blog-A-Thons … which are never, ever irritating. Site owner Piper – so named for his enormous and well-worn cock – also plays the role of a wonderful Post-It note, constantly reminding us in every other article about a great scene with a man in a monkey suit in some David Lynch film that we will never see must see. His opinions, no matter how random, instantly become canonical for movie fans, as well as fans of living. This is due to his intellectual superiority - rivalled only by The Deity itself - as evidenced by the site, as well as his properly-placed love of the Kansas City Royals. Lazy Eye Theatre is like a colonoscopy for the moviegoer’s mind.

- The Rec Show fucking sucks. Ray, Eric, and Chris are three of the worst examples of humanity; they should be strapped to a rocket and sent into space as a warning to other alien races to avoid the planet. Their articles – to be generous – may as well be written in Click. Even when they do manage to string words together into some semblance of thought, their misguided sarcasm ruins the experience. If it weren’t for KC, the site would have no meaning at all; not only does he provide depth and insight, but also remarkable sex appeal and stamina (no comment). The Benoit fans were right; these guys need to die.

Thank the Maker for movie websites, those remarkable treasure troves of wisdom and meaning!