Spritz Your Smelly Ass

Ya know, I’ve been around enough to see some crazy fads. I’ve seen the Pet Rock, the Flobee, and Ronco GLS hair spray. The common denominator to all of these products is a crazy idea to sell crazy ideas to the public …. and make a lot of money off of them.

Read more

REVIEW: The Day The Earth Stood Still

Film purists have been having weekly heart attacks over the last few years as Hollywood has made a disgusting attempt to cannibalize their back catalogues for profit. Most films in the vaults of the major studios do not need to be remade. However, some cry out for such reimagining due to the evolution on man’s society and the advances in technology. Films like THE THING, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, and THE FLY show that certain films can be remade and retian their potency. These stand in stark contrast to remakes of FRIDAY THE 13TH or HALLOWEEN, for instance, which do not EVER need to be remade.

The original THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL has long been considered one of the greatest science ficition films of the fifties, if not of all time. The film maturely dealt with the first contact scenario between humans and aliens, providing a stern warning against the use of war. The film, released in 1951, came only a few years after the bloodiest single conflict in man’s history, which was capped by frightening weapons like the atomic bomb. The film plugged into that hysteria, and the film rightly serves as a barometer of its time.

It was no favorite of mine, however. I find the film tedious and boring. It barely has a plot, and even less tension outside of the first few ten minutes. To me, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL is a prime candidate for remaking, since the idea of an alien warning man of his impending doom seems even more apt in an increasingly violent world.

The remake largely begins in the same place as the original: an alien spacecraft lands on Earth (this time in New York, rather than the lawn of the White House), from which emerges an alien ambassador named Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) and his monstrous robot/protector GORT. A nervous human soldier opens fire, creating a hostile situation between the two species. From there, the remake deviates significantly … and not necessarily for the better.

There are some nice science fiction elements incorporated here that make me wish for a better movie around them. For instance, the GORT robot is made of tiny nanobots which can deploy and destroy everything in their path – COOL. Klaatu’s orb spacecrafts are actually life-support vessels designed to carry away Earth’s biological organisms to safety – EXCELLENT. Klaatu’s body itself is a type of shape-shifting organism that re-births in each atmosphere in order to have the best chance of survival – MAGNIFICENT. Unfortunately most of these points are tossed away in a script of surprising ineptitude … but more on that in a moment.

The performances are mostly mechanical. Reeves makes a perfect alien with his slightly exotic look and blank stares. In many ways this is the best type of role for Reeves, yet the script gives him almost nothing to do besides very… methodically… state… bland lines of dialogue. Jennifer Connelly believably portrays an astrobiologist as far as the script allows, yet her skills are very rarely shown here. Unfortunately, the script saddles Connelly with a son, annoyingly played by Jaden Smith in full movie brat mode. The script also shoehorns ridiculous story beats into the mess, like Jaden’s dead father, or Connelly’s professor (played by the great John Cleese) that go nowhere at all. 

Even worse are the monumental lapses of logic and dramatic structure in the script in the final two acts. After Klaatu is captured, he manages to escape out into the world. The second act involves Klaatu on the run aided by Connelly, which clearly shows that the screenwriter’s had no idea what should be happening. Cleese’s unfortunate scene occurs here, as you can almost hear the screenwriter’s begging for something to happen to get to the third act. Then the military manages to capture GORT and enclose him in some sort of giant missle silo, which was apparently built in about an hour on the spot. Then, for some unknown reason, GORT decides to unleash the nanobots on everything man-made, and they cause all sorts of CGI destruction.

The final act involves the destruction of the world by GORT’s nanobots as Klaatu has a change of heart about the human race. Unfortunately this puny and ridiculous film doesn’t have the balls to carry out destruction on the scale of a Roland Emmerich film. Instead, we see a truck and Shea stadium destroyed by nanobots; that’s about it. So apparently GORT came millions of light years to destroy New Jersey. During the destructive melee of GORT’S nanobots, Klaatu, Connelly and her son hide out underneath a man-made bridge, which miraculously avoids destruction.

Folks, that’s just plain STUPID. 

The direction by Scott Derrickson is the worse kind of blandishness. Scenes occur without any set-up, finality, or logic. Characters come and go without subtext or point other than to continue to main dialogue of the film. The entire production is drained of excitement, danger, wonder, or mystery. Even the special effects – usually the one trump card for a film like this – are uniformly shitty. The GORT robot might be one of the least believable CGI creatures I have seen since VAN HELSING. It’s almost inexcusable to have CGI of this low quality from a major studio release. Disastrous in every way.

Like I said at the outset: certain films should be remade, and TDTESS is one of them. Just not like this.

Fuck You Hollywood

Hollywood is the dead possum sphincter where celluloid dreams go to die.

In the annals of dumb motherfucking ideas, the Rob Zombie remake of HALLOWEEN was easily one of the top ten. So, of course, a direct sequel, now greenlit for a January start-date, would fall just one above that … or below … ugh, I’m so damn mad right now that I cannot even think straight.

If you remember, Eric and I had this to say about Zombie’s cinematic cunt boil.

Do we really need to see a continuation of horseshit like this:

In other nausea-inducing news, the bloodfarts currently running Twentieth Century Fox apparently think that PLANET OF THE APES needs a reboot. Not content that Tim Burton wiped his black-clad ass all over the promising series in 2001 (Hey look!!! It’s APE Lincoln!!!), they think going back in time and remaking the miserable CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is box office gold. It’s called GENESIS: APES. Brilliant.

I cannot believe these guys make more money than I do, and then, adding insult to injury, are called “creative” people. I expend more creative energy trying to decide how many sheets to use when I wipe my tender asshole.

Friday The Unnecessary

By now, probably everyone on Earth knows of my intense hatred for the remake cycle overtaking Hollywood. I can’t blame studio execs, though; they’re making a mint by tossing inferior remakes into theaters and watching the name recognition bring in big numbers.

Hot on the heels of Rob Zombie’s disastrous HALLOWEEN remake comes a remake of its slasher cousin, FRIDAY THE 13TH. Is it necessary? Absolutely not. Is it going to make a cool $25 million in its opening weekend? Probably, despite the fact that this new trailer shows just how glossy and predictable this money grab actually is:

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: There are actually movies out there begging to be remade. This ain’t one of them.

Stand Bakugan

Remember the good old days, when toys were just fun little diversions to fire the imaginations of children, and not a major marketing plan? Did Play-Doh or Silly Putty require a tie-in television show? Did the Hula Hoop or Slinky need power cards and endless variations?

The newest toy craze is taking over America, yet another variation on the Pokemon battle scenario from those single-minded Japanese. It’s called Bakugan, and it involves small balls that are rolled over metallic cards. The balls have magnets and springs inside of them, and whenever a ball rolls over the cards, it pops open to reveal the creature (or, Bakugan) inside. Of course, there is a poorly animated show to help sell the toys and concept. Here’s a little taste:

As always, there are a million bakugan to choose from, retailing between $10 and $35 per creature. And let’s not forget the Bakugan rocket launcher. Or the Bakugan stadium.

I am so glad I don’t have kids. But I wish I had thought of it.