Being an average male with decent taste in both literature and film, I think TWILIGHT is one of the worst concoctions to come along since The Partridge Family. The comparison is appropriate, since both are skillfully crafted marketing tools designed to make the poonies of tween girls red, plump, and moist.
And these screaming bunch of hormonal sociopaths fell for it.
Have you ever wondered why your wife or girlfriend has such bizarrely psychotic behavior? It’s because she once spent her life as a tweenaged girl.
Tween girls (aged 11-14) are a capitalist’s wet dream. For decades, tween girls have controlled (and mostly destroyed) the popular landscape. They screamed until their ocular blood vessels burst at the very sight of the Beatles in the sixties. They tinkled down their leg whenever someone mentioned Leif Garrett in the seventies. They pulled their hair out by the roots whenever Tiger Beat featured Corey Haim in the eighties. In the nineties, they experienced hands-free orgasms whenever Mario Lopez strutted around on Saved By The Bell.
These days, this vast hormonal army of screeching tweens has fixed its adoring gaze on a new crop of freshly scrubbed man-meat. The Jonas Brothers, for instance, set decibel records at every one of their appearances. But one of the more curious examples cropped up on last season’s AMERICAN IDOL competition in the form of little David Archuleta. As cute as a labrador puppy, Archuleta immediately set the tweeners into uncontrolled fits of orgasmic glee rarely seen on the show – well, except for Sangaya.
I just saw this hilarious and scary video recorded during the show finale, which saw Archuleta lose to the fierce rock stylings of David Cook. Check out their terrifying reaction to the news:
Not surprisingly, Archuleta’s newly-released album CRUSH debuted at number two on the Billboard charts last week with over 174,000 copies sold … wanna guess who bought them?
Some internet phenomenons come and go. Remember Tay Zonday and his creepy Chocolate Rain song? Remember Chris Crocker?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. These guys and many others have become Insta-Hits on YouTube mostly due to their glaring LACK of talent. They make the mistake in thinking that having the whole world laugh AT you is a good thing.
But a recent rising star on YouTube has earned his place due to his suprisingly subtle comedic timing and clever improvisation. He is only 14 years old, and he is simply known by adoring millions as Fred.
Fred is the creation of a talented young actor named Lucas Cruikshank who has, over the last two years, been making comedy videos on the site with his twin cousins. Most of these videos were childish and goofy, much like the rest of the content littering every channel on YouTube. However, inspiration struck earlier this year when Lucas began to form the Fred character in a series of shorts. Quickly, the rapid cutting and manic expressionism evolved into a comedic goldmine that has transfixed legions of fans.
In its current incarnation, Fred is a six year old boy plagued with a short attention span and an even shorter fuse. He’s in love with the girl next door named Judy, and tormented by the neighborhood bully Kevin. His mother is an alcoholic, and his father left town years ago to, as Fred imagines, become a rock star. His wild imagination and constant loneliness fuels many of the episodes, as Fred’s energy threatens to spin wildly out of control.
This is an episode from a month ago. It has been viewed over 3.6 million times.
One of my favorite episodes is called “Fred Loses His Meds.” Some of the timing here is absolutely perfect:
That has been seen almost 5 million times.
This remarkable kid has some real talent here. He’s cartoon-cute, smart, and quite a nuanced performer. He might be the best thing YouTube has ever produced. I hope he manages to parlay this instant burst of fame with something enduring, because he is the real deal. This might be the best child character in any form of media since Pee Wee Herman back in the eighties, or the South Park kids in the nineties.
Yes, he’s that good.
The big question: Is there a future for this character as successful as the preceding examples?
I hope so. GO FRED!!!!!
